Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Der Kommissar - page 2

Der Kommissar has 760 articles published.

Landsburied

in Hits & Misses by
“What’s the difference between
69 and 96 you ask?
…
Depends.
 

Angela Landsbury –
Actress, singer, f@g hag.
October 16, 1925 – October 11, 2022.
Aged 96 years.

Most recognized for: So… “gaslighting” is a term thrown around a lot on 24-hour news channels lately. And for all you ostriches out there, the term comes from a 1944 movie called “Gaslight”… Angela’s very first film role and one for which she was Oscar nominated at 17. Beyond that, she was the “Murder, She Wrote” lady and the voice of the teapot in that one Disney film. Surely there’s more after almost 80 years in Hollywood, but brevity’s kinda our thing.

Selected by: Dr. Death & Dead to Me

Coal Cocked

in Hits & Misses by
“OK… Show of hands, everybody.
Who’s ready to head on down… to Fist City?
I know I am!… and this guy in the front row
with the tube of Astroglide knows what
I’m talkin’ about.”

Loretta Lynn –
Country queen, redhead, miner’s kid.
April 14, 1932 – October 4, 2022.
Aged 90 years.

Most recognized for: Country music’s most awarded woman, she gave us 6 decades of hits about drinkin’, fightin’, & fukkin’… all from a sassy Kentucky girl’s perspective. Her autobiographical song “Coal Miner’s Daughter” begat an award-winning film. Other hits like “Fist City” and “I Can’t Feel You Anymore” would have made for an epic sequel. But not all of her woes could be musically blamed on drunk baby daddies or husband-stealing honky tonk whores. There was a stroke, a fall, and then a bedtime that never ended.

The Short List – Sept ’22

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

September 1, 2022
  • Earnie Shavers – Aged 78 years. Hard-hitting heavyweight pro boxer with 69 knockout wins.
September 2, 2022
  • Drummie Zeb – Aged 62 years. Drummer and lead singer for British reggae band Aswad.
September 3, 2022
  • Herbert Kohler Jr. – Aged 83 years. Billionaire executive chairman of a Wisconsin plumbing empire.
September 4, 2022
  • Art Rosenbaum – Aged 83 years. Grammy-winning artist, musician, and folklorist.
  • Peter Straub – Aged 79 years. Award-winning horror novelist.
September 5, 2022
  • Mark Littell – Aged 69 years. 82′ World Series-winning pitcher and inventor of the Nutty Buddy package protector.
September 6, 2022
  • Guy Morriss – Aged 71 years. NFL center who became head coach at Kentucky & Baylor.
  • Just Jaeckin – Aged 82 years. French film director who started the “Emmanuelle” softcore film franchise.
September 7, 2022
  • Lance Mackey – Aged 52 years. 4 time Iditarod sled dog racing champion.
  • Bernard Shaw – Aged 82 years. Journalist who was CNN’s guy on the ground during the first Gulf War.
  • Marsha Hunt – Aged 104 years. Blacklisted Hollywood actress whose career spanned 9 decades.
September 8, 2022
  • Sonny West – Aged 85 years. Songwriter & musician who co-wrote Buddy Holly’s biggest hits.
  • LaDeva Davis – Aged 78 years. Host of PBS’s “What’s Cooking?”
September 9, 2022
  • Jack Ging – Aged 90 years. Actor seen in Eastwood flicks and lotsa shi++y TV shows.
  • Shelby Jordan – Aged 70 years. O-lineman for the Raiders’ ’83 Super Bowl Champs.
September 10, 2022
September 11, 2022
September 12, 2022
  • PnB Rock – Aged 30 years. Another dumbass rapper.
  • Ramsey Lewis – Aged 87 years. American jazz composer, pianist, and radio personality with 5 gold records and 3 Grammys to his name.

 

 

 

September 13, 2022
  • Ken Starr – Aged 76 years. Lawyer who authored The Starr Report, which precipitated Bill Clinton’s impeachment.
  • Fred Franzia – Aged 79 years. American winemaker who brought you the Charles Shaw brand, better known as “Two-Buck Chuck.”
  • Jean-Luc Godard – Aged 91 years. Highly influential French-Swiss film director.
September 14, 2022
  • Irene Papas – Aged 93 years. Award-winning Greek actress and Marlon Brando’s girlfriend.
  • Bill Pearl – Aged 91 years. American bodybuilder & 5-time Mr. Universe.
September 15, 2022
  • John Stearns – Aged 71 years. 4X All-star catcher for the Mets.
September 16, 2022
  • Marva Hicks – Aged 66 years. American R&B singer and actress.
September 17, 2022
  • Maarten Schmidt – Aged 92 years. Astronomer whose mug once made the cover of Time Magazine for discovering quasars.
September 18, 2022
  • Nobody especially famous.
September 19, 2022
  • Maury Wills – Aged 89 years. 7X All-star shortstop with 3 World Series rings.
September 20, 2022
September 21, 2022
  • Anton Fier – Aged 66 years. American drummer, producer, composer, and bandleader.
September 22, 2022
  • Stu Allan – Aged 60 years. British dance music DJ and producer.
September 23, 2022
  • Louise Fletcher – Aged 88 years. Oscar-winning actress who played Nurse Ratched in “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest.”
September 24, 2022
September 25, 2022
  • James Florio – Aged 85 years. Former congressman and 49th governor of New Jersey.
September 26, 2022
  • Mark Souder – Aged 72 years. Disgraced Indiana congressman.
September 27, 2022
September 28, 2022
  • Bill Plante – Aged 84 years. CBS News’ White House correspondent for 3 decades.
September 29, 2022
  • Al Primo – Aged 87 years. American television news executive who was credited with creating the Eyewitness News format.
September 30, 2022
  • Héctor López – Aged 93 years. 2× World Series champion outfielder for the Yankees.

Final Voyage

in Hits & Misses by
“Please lord…
Don’t let me go the way Elvis did.
But if I must, at least let it be on my own sh!tter.
Or maybe one at some really expensive restaurant.
Preferably with a bathroom attendant.
…
Amen.”

Coolio –
Rapper, Grammy winner, Comptonian.
August 1, 1963 – September 28, 2022.
Aged 59 years.

Most recognized for: He hasn’t had a hit since that mid-90’s music video of him blowin’ smoke & rhymes in Michelle Pfeiffer’s face. But over all that time, Coolio’s style never changed. And let’s face it: 20-something years of twisting your hair up to look like a pincushion full of bent pipe cleaners is hard work, right? So much so, that it’ll make you sh!t. So after excusing himself to a friend’s throne room for a quick deuce, his extended absence drew concern. There it was discovered that a suspected cardiac arrest had sent ol’ Coolio Iglesias off to gangsta’s paradise.

11th Gets Deep-Sixed

in Hits & Misses by
“Don’t judge a book by its cover.
I’m really a deeply caring and affectionate
person once you get to know me.
Now smile and nod that you understand
before I have you killed.”

Henry Silva –
Actor, Sicilian, sweetheart.
Sept 23, 1926 – Sept 14, 2022
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: With a chiseled face and a gaze that could make medusa blush, Henry was practically born to play the bad guy. Mobster, hitman, vigilante, cartel kingpin, rogue CIA operative… his acting resume read like an Interpol most wanted list. He was also the last surviving member of Danny Ocean’s first 11… which if you saw the original, you’d agree was a real piece of dog sh!t propped up only by the Rat Pack’s star power. You can publicly admit these things now that all those greaseballs are in the ground.

Send in the Crowns

in Hits & Misses by
“Yes, operator?
I’m inquiring about a tune I’ve
heard sung ’round the palace lately.
I believe it’s called ‘Charles in Charge’.
I was told that I could get it on my phone.
Operator? Hello??”

Queen Elizabeth II –
Monarch, matriarch, jubilee junkie.
April 21, 1926 – September 8, 2022
Aged 96 years.

Most recognized for: Well.. God could only save the Queen for so long. And now, just a few months after celebrating 70 years on the throne, she’ll get the royal send-off… where the filthy London streets are lined with blubbering peasants… bawling over the loss of that rich, snooty old lady they never met… who lived in that huge house that they all paid for with tax money that could have been better spent on some dental work… or at least paid somebody to clean up all the goddamned cigarette butts.

Selected by: Zombie Possum, Dead to Me, Goble, Schlitz, & J-Ro

Finger-Lickin’ Good

in Hits & Misses by
“There’s no point in crying about it now.
Over the past 15 years, I’ve invited every one of you
into my dressing room for a quick prostate exam.
But NOOOO!!!”

Bill Turnbull –
Media personality, morning person, limey.
January 25, 1956 – August 31, 2022.
Aged 66 years.

Most recognized for: As the “BBC Breakfast” morning-show guy, Mr. Turnbull – with his female sidekick du jour – served up fluffy headlines with a side of sports & weather. Then came game show hosting… and celebrity game show appearances. Upon the debut of his 10-part series on “living well” in your autumn years, it was discovered that Bill wasn’t living so well. So get your prostate checked, fellas. And ladies… c’mon. Lend a hand.

Selected by: MPoweleit1, Pille, BGG

Russian to Judgement

in Hits & Misses by
“Korea, okay? It’s a map of Korea. This is exactly
why bars located next door to tattoo parlors
are a bad idea. Especially in Pyongyang.
Can we move on now?”

Mikhail Gorbachev –
Ex-head of State, Nobel laureate, Commie.
March 2, 1931 – August 30, 2022.
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: Alma-Ata Protocol, glasnost, dry laws, Chernobyl, perestroika, Reagan and the Berlin Wall. No… it’s not a missing verse from “We Didn’t Start the Fire”… it’s just a brusque summary of Mik’s days as HRIC of the USSR. His tenure marked the end of the Cold War, Marxist-Leninism, the looming threat of global thermonuclear war, and a McDonalds-free Moscow. But slowly, like everything else from the 80’s, it’s all making a comeback.

The Short List – Aug ’22

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

August 1, 2022
  • Rosa de Castilla – Aged 90 years. Singer/actress from the golden age of Mexican cinema. A re-fried Julie Andrews, if you will.
August 2, 2022
  • Melissa Bank – Aged 61 years. American author who wrote “The Girls’ Guide to Hunting & Fishing.”
August 3, 2022
  • Jackie Walorski – Aged 58 years. Indiana congresswoman.
  • Nicky Moore – Aged 75 years. Samson’s singer after Bruce Dickinson left for Iron Maiden.
  • Jack Deloplaine – Aged 68 years. RB for the Steelers in Super Bowls 13 & 14.
  • Raymond Damadian – Aged 86 years. Inventor of MRI technology.
August 4, 2022
  • Sam Gooden – Aged 87 years. Rock & Roll HOF’er who sang with The Impressions.
  • Albert Woodfox – Aged 75 years. Member of The Angola Three who served the longest period of solitary confinement in American prison history (40 years.)
August 5, 2022
  • Clu Gulager – Aged 93 years. TV western actor who found a 2nd career in sh!tty horror films.
August 6, 2022
  • David Muse – Aged 73 years. Gold & platinum album-winning singer, songwriter, composer, and multi-instrumentalist.
  • Buddy Leach – Aged 88 years. Louisiana Congressman & Chairman of the Louisiana Democratic Party.
August 7, 2022
  • Roger E. Mosley – Aged 83 years. Actor who played the black helicopter pilot on “Magnum, P.I.”
  • David McCullough – Aged 89 years. 2X Pulitzer Prize-winning historian and Presidential Medal of Freedom recipient.
  • Bert Fields – Aged 93 years. Notorious entertainment lawyer and author.
  • Ezekiel Alebua – Aged 75 years. 3rd Prime Minister of the Solomon Islands.
August 8, 2022
  • Lamont Dozier – Aged 81 years. American Hall of Fame songwriter who co-wrote and produced 14 US Billboard number-one hits.
August 9, 2022
  • Raymond Briggs – Aged 88 years. British children’s writer and illustrator who created “The Snowman.”
August 10, 2022
  • Sir Ralph Halpern – Aged 83 years. British fashion retailer and tabloid scoundrel.
August 11, 2022
  • Manuel Ojeda – Aged 81 years. Mexican actor who played the villain Zolo in “Romancing the Stone.”
  • Darius Campbell Danesh – Aged 41 years. Scottish singer/songwriter.
August 12, 2022
  • Wolfgang Petersen – Aged 81 years. German filmmaker who directed “Das Boot,” “The Neverending Story,” “The Perfect Storm,” & more.
August 13, 2022
  • Robyn Griggs – Aged 49 years. Child actor turned soap actor turned John Wayne Bobbit hangaround.
  • Denise Dowse – Aged 64 years. Film & TV actress noted for playing the Vice Principal on “Beverly Hills, 90210.”
August 14, 2022
  • Svika Pick – Aged 72 years. Polish singer dubbed “The Israeli King of Pop.”
August 15, 2022
  • Pete Carril – Aged 92 years. Princeton’s head mens basketball coach for 30 years.
August 16, 2022
August 17, 2022
  • Jim Mueller – Aged 79 years. Sportscaster, voice of the Browns for 20 years.
August 18, 2022
  • Virginia Patton – Aged 97 years. Actress, last remaining adult cast member of “It’s A Wonderful Life.”
  • Clayton Jacobson II – Aged 88 years. American inventor credited with introducing the jet ski.
August 19, 2022
  • Mildred Kornman – Aged 97 years. Oldest surviving child actor from the “Our Gang” series.
August 20, 2022
  • Leon Vitali – Aged 74 years. English actor and personal assistant to Stanley Kubrick.
August 21, 2022
  • Vincent Gil – Aged 83 years. Australian actor who played Nightrider in “Mad Max.”
August 22, 2022
  • Gary Gaines – Aged 73 years. Texas football coach portrayed by Billy Bob Thornton in “Friday Night Lights.”
  • Jerry Allison – Aged 82 years. Rock & Roll HOF’er, Buddy Holly’s drummer & collaborator.
August 23, 2022
  • Creed Taylor – Aged 93 years. Grammy-winning record producer & jazz label owner.
August 24, 2022
  • Len Dawson – Aged 87 years. KC QB & MVP of SB IV.
  • Joe E. Tata – Aged 85 years. TV actor who played the owner of The Peach Pit on “Beverly Hills, 90210.”
August 25, 2022
  • Mable John – Aged 91 years. Female Mowtown blues vocalist who also appeared in “Honeydripper” and “20 Feet from Stardom.”
  • Joey DeFrancesco – Aged 51 years. Acclaimed jazz multi-instrumentalist.
August 26, 2022
  • Roland Mesnier – Aged 78 years. White House executive pastry chef for 25 years. That’s right folks… we’ve all been paying for a fukking presidential donut maker.
August 27, 2022
  • Robert LuPone – Aged 76 years. Film & TV actor seen in “Jesus Christ Superstar” and “The Sopranos.”
August 28, 2022
August 29, 2022
  • Ernie Zampese – Aged 86 years. Offensive Coordinator for the Cowboys’ Super Bowl 30 team.
  • Luke Bell – Aged 32 years. American country musician and singer-songwriter.
  • Charlbi Dean – Aged 32 years. South African actress seen in “Triangle of Sadness.”
August 30, 2022
  • Steve White – Aged 48 years. NFL DE & blogger for SB Nation. Probably not a valid pick, but sports writers won’t shut up about it.
August 31, 2022
  • Lee Thomas – Aged 86 years. All-star first baseman for the Angels and GM for the Phillies.

 

In the Hole

in Hits & Misses by
“If this outfit doesn’t put me on
the JCPenny’s Fall Menswear Catalog cover,
nothing will.”

Tom Weiskopf –
Pro golfer, course architect, hot head.
November 9, 1942 – August 20, 2022.
Aged 79 years.

Most recognized for: With his height and temper earning him the nickname “The Towering Inferno,” Tom was definitely hot sh!t from the late 60’s to the early 80’s. In total, he captured 16 PGA Tour titles including the ’73 Open Championship. After taking a whack at being a TV analyst, he started designing courses…. and had made contributions to 80 clubs around the world before his balls ended up out of bounds.

Selected by: Tote Menschen

To Hell and Gone

in Hits & Misses by
“Alright, now. If you’re gonna throw beer
at the stage, you’d better send up some
pizza & wings to go with it.
Not kidding, people. I’m fukken
starving up here.”

Steve Grimmett –
Singer, porker, peg-leg.
August 19, 1959 – August 15, 2022.
Aged 62 years.

Most recognized. As the gap-toothed vocalist for Grim Reaper, Steve had an impressive 4 octave range… and a chin for each one of them. He sported some of the most laughable hair and wardrobe choices in all of 80’s metal, all while belting out classics like “Rock You To Hell” and “See You in Hell“… the latter providing the soundtrack to our (almost) annual DRCDP hits compilation. An aggressive infection took his right leg in 2017… and an undisclosed illness claimed the rest of him 5 years later.

Heche Tagged

in Hits & Misses by
“Sh!t… I left the blow in the glovebox.
Hold my drink… I’ve gotta go back.
Wait… where’d I park again?”

Anne Heche –
Actress, Ellen’s ex, On-star advocate.
May 25, 1969 – August 12, 2022.
Aged 53 years.

Most recognized for: In 1998, People Magazine selected her as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World. Debatable? Sure. But beauty often begets imbalance… and Anne was crazier than 2 bowls of grits. In TV interviews, she referred to her happy place as “The 4th Dimension”… where she’d chat with aliens and hang with her half-brother Jesus Christ. Mmmkay? Then, a fateful day of boozin’, cruisin’, & rooty-toot-tootin’ put her hot wheels on ice.

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