Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Der Kommissar has 760 articles published.

The Short List – June ’22

in Hits & Misses by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

June 1, 2022
  • Barry Sussman – Aged 87 years. WAPO editor who helped break the Watergate story.
June 2, 2022
  • Hal Bynum – Aged 87 years. Award-winning outlaw country songwriter.
June 3, 2022
  • Larry Hillman – Aged 85 years. Canadian defenceman & coach whose name was engraved on the Stanley Cup 6 times.
  • Ken Kelly – Aged 76 years. Artist whose work was often featured on heavy metal album covers.
  • John Porter – Aged 87 years. 21 year Illinois congressman.
  • Ann Turner Cook – Aged 95 years. The kid seen on Gerber baby food packaging since 1931.
June 4, 2022
  • John Cooksey – Aged 80 years. Louisiana eye doctor turned congressman.
June 5, 2022
  • Trouble – Aged 34 years. Another stupid dead rapper.
June 6, 2022
  • Jim Seals – Aged 80 years. The Seals of 70’s soft rockers Seals & Crofts.
  • Eric Nesterenko – Aged 88 years. NHL All-star Center who appeared in “Youngblood.”
  • Brother Jed – Aged 79 years. Confrontational evangelist.
June 7, 2022
June 8, 2022
  • Rocky Freitas – Aged 76 years. Pro-bowl offensive tackle for the Lions.
June 9, 2022
  • Julee Cruise – Aged 65 years. Singer/actress seen in all the Twin Peaks stuff.
  • Don Perkins – Aged 84 years. 3X All-Pro and 6X Pro Bowl NFL fullback.
  • Matt Zimmerman – Aged 87 years. Canadian actor who voiced Alan Tracy on “Thunderbirds.”
June 10, 2022
  • Baxter Black – Aged 77 years. Writer and radio personality whose whole life revolved around being a cowboy.
June 11, 2022
  • George Weyerhaeuser – Aged 95 years. Kidnapped victim at the center of an FBI investigation in the 30’s.
June 12, 2022
June 13, 2022
  • Carlos Ortiz – Aged 85 years. Int’l Boxing Hall of Famer who held world titles at 2 weight classes.
June 14, 2022
  • Ondrej Rigo – Aged 66 years. Slovak serial killer and necrophiliac.
June 15, 2022
  • Maureen Arthur – Aged 88 years. American film, television, and stage actress.
June 16, 2022
  • Mike Pratt – Aged 73 years. NCAA Basketball head coach turned sportscaster.
June 17, 2022
  • Jean-Louis Trintignant – Aged 91 years. Award-winning french actor known by cinephiles for his work in “Z.”
June 18, 2022
  • Mark Shields – Aged 85 years. DNC fanboy who regularly appeared on PBS & CNN panel shows that nobody really watched.
June 19, 2022
  • Brett Tuggle – Aged 70 years. Keyboardist for Fleetwood Mac and David Lee Roth.
  • Tim White – Aged 68 years. WWE referee whose Hell in a Cell appearance became the impetus for the bizarre Lunchtime Suicide storyline.
June 20, 2022
  • Caleb Swanigan – Aged 25 years. Power forward for the Portland Trailblazers.
June 21, 2022
  • James Rado – Aged 90 years. Grammy-winning musician behind the catchy tunes of “Hair.”
  • Dragan Tomić – Aged 86 years. Former president of Serbia and accessory to genocide.
June 22, 2022
  • Bruton Smith – Aged 95 years. Billionaire NASCAR track owner.
June 23, 2022
  • Bernard Belle – Aged 57 years. R&B songwriter & producer who created hits for Michael Jackson, Bobby Brown, & Patti LaBelle.
June 24, 2022
June 25, 2022
  • Sam Gilliam – Aged 88 years. American abstract artist.
June 26, 2022
  • Mary Mara – Aged 61 years. Actress seen mostly on primetime TV dramas like ER, Law & Order, & Nash bridges.
June 27, 2022
  • Marlin Briscoe – Aged 76 years. Pro football’s first starting Quarterblack.
June 28, 2022
June 29, 2022
  • Sonny Barger – Aged 83 years. Outlaw biker, author, co-founder of The Hell’s Angels.
  • Jim Pappin – Aged 82 years. 2x Stanley Cup winning Maple Leaf.
June 30, 2022
  • Vladimir Zelenko – Aged 48 years. Dubious physician who concocted the Trump-touted “Zelenko Protocol.”

 

 

 

Nevermore

in Hits & Misses by
“Ok. So I signed your fukken program.
Now where’s that free meatball sub
we talked about?”

Tony Siragusa –
NFL player, TV personality, fat guy.
May 14, 1967 – June 22, 2022.
Aged 55 years.

Most recognized for: Tony helped lead the Ravens to their 1st Super Bowl… mainly by illegally body slamming Rich Gannon in the AFC title game. After hanging up his pads, he did some sideline reporting, hosted TV’s “Man Caves,” and totally reinvented himself as a fat Jersey greaseball for a few episodes of “The Sopranos.” But then, at an early-ish age & without any signs of failing health, he left us dead poolers with nothing but a big, fat Goose egg.

No Such Thing

in Hits & Misses by
“According to my tattoo artist,
this piece truly is a one-of-a-kind.
He said it’s the only time he’s ever seen a man
get a Bon Jovi tattoo.”

Alec John Such –
Bassist, Jersey boy, stand-in.
November 14, 1951 – June 4, 2022.
Aged 70 years old.

Most recognized for: In their hair-metal heyday, he was the “original” bass player for Bon Jovi… or so it would seem. While Mr. Such was the one seen strutting around onstage & pouting for the cameras, his parts were often rearranged and rerecorded by session player Hugh MacDonald. But Hugh just didn’t look cool… and apparently, some myopic doofus thought Alec did. So when the demand for hairspray wore off in the mid-90’s, so did the need for Alec’s image… and Hugh finally got his due.

An Empty Barber’s Chair

in Hits & Misses by
“Will Smith can slap Chris Rock
around all he wants, but he best keep
his hands out my dome.
Ya feel me?”

Marion Barber III –
Running back, pro-bowler, gopher.
June 10, 1983 – June 1, 2022.
Aged 38 years.

Most recognized for: “Marion the Barbarian” was a hard-hitting third-down running back for 6 seasons with the Cowboys and led the league in broken tackles in 2007. But post-retirement, Marion was anything but a librarian. Arrests, fines, probation, mental health evaluations, etc. And while many signs point to CTE, he strictly forbade submitting his battered brain for research. So now his woes are beknownst only to the worms below Frisco.

The Short List – May ’22

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

May 1, 2022
  • Ric Parnell – Aged 70 years. English musician who played Spinal Tap’s doomed drummer Mick Shrimpton.
  • Jerry verDorn – Aged 72 years. Daytime Emmy winning soap actor who was on “Guiding Light” for 26 years.
May 2, 2022
  • James V. Stanton – Aged 90 years. Ohio congressman who served through the seventies.
May 3, 2022
  • Norman Mineta – Aged 90 years. California congressman who held cabinet posts for both Clinton and GWBush.
  • Andra Martin – Aged 86 years. American actress and frequent costar of James Garner.
May 4, 2022
  • Howie Pyro – Aged 61 years. Punk bass player for D Generation and – briefly – Danzig.
May 5, 2022
  • Kenneth Welsh – Aged 80 years. Canadian actor who played villain Windom Earle on “Twin Peaks.”
May 6, 2022
  • Jewell – Aged 53 years. R&B singer hailed “The First Lady of Death Row Records.”
  • Bill Laskey – Aged 79 years. Pro Bowl linebacker for the Bills.
May 7, 2022
  • Bruce MacVittie – Aged 65 years. Actor seen in “The Sopranos” and Eastwood’s “Million Dollar Baby.”
May 8, 2022
  • John R. Cherry III – Aged 73 years. Creator of Jim Varney’s Earnest character and director of those god-awful Earnest movies.
May 9, 2022
  • Tim Johnson – Aged 75 years. Illinois congressman from 2001 to 2013.
May 10, 2022
  • Bob Lanier – Aged 73 years. 8X NBA All-star center for the Piston & Bucks.
May 11, 2022
  • Randy Weaver – Aged 74 years. Green Beret whose family was murdered by the feds at Ruby Ridge.
  • Norman Dolph – Aged 83 years. American songwriter who produced the Velvet Undergrounds first recordings.
  • June Preston – Aged 93 years. Child actress, singer, and rival of Shirley Temple.
May 12, 2022
  • Robert McFarlane – Aged 84 years. Reagan’s National Security Advisor who was central to the Iran-Contra affair.
  • Gino Cappelletti – Aged 88 years. Patriots kicker & WR who became their radio color commentator.
May 13, 2022
  • Lil Keed – Aged 24 years. Another dumbass rapper.
May 14, 2022
  • David West – Aged 57 years. Pitcher for Minnesota’s ’91 World Series champion team.
May 15, 2022
  • Maggie Peterson – Aged 81 years. Singer & actress who played Charlene Darling on “The Andy Griffith Show.”
May 16, 2022
  • John Aylward – Aged 75 years. Film & TV actor with a recurring role on “The West Wing.”
May 17, 2022
  • Vangelis – Aged 79 years. Greek composer who won an Oscar for scoring “Chariots of Fire.”
  • Marnie Schulenburg – Aged 37 years. Daytime Emmy nominated soap actress seen on “As The World Turns.”
May 18, 2022
  • Bob Neuwirth – Aged 82 years. American folk singer, songwriter, and Bob Dylan associate.
May 19, 2022
  • Ron Rice – Aged 81 years. Sunscreen manufacturer and founder of Hawaiian Tropic.
May 20, 2022
  • Roger Angell – Aged 101 years. Award-winning sports journalist & writer/editor for The new Yorker.
May 21, 2022
  • Colin Cantwell – Aged 90 years. NASA employee turned Hollywood concept artist who designed the Millennium Falcon & the Death Star.
May 22, 2022
  • Dervla Murphy – Aged 90 years. Travel author who rode from Ireland to India on a bicycle.
May 23, 2022
  • Joe Pignatano – Aged 92 years. Catcher for the ’59 World Series-champion Dodgers and coach of the 1969 World Series-champion Mets.
  • Thom Bresh – Aged 74 years. American country music guitarist and singer.
May 24, 2022
  • John Thompson – Aged 95 years. First manager of the Seahawks and 1978’s NFL Executive of the Year.
May 25, 2022
  • Eduardo Lizalde – Aged 93 years. Award-winning Mexican poet. Yes… apparently there are poets in Mexico.
May 26, 2022
  • Alan White – Aged 72 years. English drummer and songwriter for prog rockers Yes.
  • Andy Fletcher – Aged 60 years. Founding keyboard player for Depeche Mode.
May 27, 2022
  • Fayez Sarofim – Aged 93 years. Egyptian billionaire & former owner of the Houston Texans.
May 28, 2022
  • Bo Hopkins – Aged 84 years. American actor seen in “The Wild Bunch,” “American Graffiti,” and TV’s “Dynasty.”
May 29, 2022
  • Ronnie Hawkins – Aged 87 years. Canadian rockabilly legend.
  • Lester Piggott – Aged 86 years. English horse jockey widely regarded as one of the greatest flat racers of all time.
May 30, 2022
  • Jeff Gladney – Aged 25 years. NFL cornerback, Minnesota’s 1st round draft pick in 2020.
May 31, 2022
  • Charles Siebert – Aged 84 years. Actor & director who played Dr. Stanley Riverside II on “Trapper John, M.D.”.

 

 

No More Helicopters

in Hits & Misses by
“Ah. At least they have air-care
in this Caribbean sh!t hole.
That oughta help me sleep easier.”

Ray Liotta –
Actor, producer, Chantix shill.
December 18, 1954 – May 26, 2022.
Aged 67 years.

Most recognized for: Although Ray’s been in a lot, his infamy is entirely built on 2 roles early in his career. He played the ghost of Shoeless Joe Jackson in 1989’s “Field of Dreams.” A year later, he played cokehead mafioso turned FBI stool pigeon Henry Hill in Scorsese’ gangster classic “Goodfellas”. Then one night, while filming an episode of “Dangerous Waters” in the Dominican Republic, he went to sleep near the fishes… and never woke up.

Down Ward & Out Ward

in Hits & Misses by
“When a co-star starts hamming it up,
sometimes the best medicine is to just
grab ’em by the Bacon bits. Savvy?”

Fred Ward –
Actor, producer, graboid gitter.
December 30, 1942 – May 8, 2022.
Aged 79 years.

Most recognized for: Fred worked as a tunnel rat, a lumberjack, a short order cook, a janitor, and a mime before landing his first big role in Eastwood’s “Escape From Alcatraz.” Soon after, he got sh!t wrong in “The Right Stuff”, walked on water in “Remo Williams,” got his Bacon’s Law degree in “Tremors,” and tried bombing the Oscars in “The Naked Gun 33 & 1/3.” But then, Fred mysteriously dropped dead.

Green Around the Gilley’s

in Hits & Misses by
“It’s my club…
and I’ll suck if I want to.
Suck if I want to… suck if I want to.”

Mickey Gilley –
Singer, songwriter, sellout.
March 9, 1936 – May 7, 2022.
Aged 86 years.

Most recognized for: Mickey was a small-time country singer and big honky-tonk owner until a few hits in the 70’s put him in the spotlight. He soon jumped onto the pop-country crossover bandwagon just as his club became the stage for a little Travolta flick called “Urban Cowboy.” As the 80’s drew on, it became clear that the zenith of Mickey’s stardom had come to pass…and several years later so did Mickey.

The Short List – April ’22

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

April 1, 2022
  • C.W. McCall – Aged 93 years. Truck-driving country singer of “Convoy.”
April 2, 2022
  • Estelle Harris – Aged 93 years. Actress who played George’s mother on “Seinfeld.”
April 3, 2022
  • Gene Shue – Aged 90 years. 5X NBA All-star & 2X Coach of the Year.
April 4, 2022
  • Joe Messina – Aged 93 years. Mowtown’s Funk Brothers guitarist dubbed the “white brother with soul.”
  • Kathy Lamkin – Aged 74 years. Actress with small parts in big movies.
April 5, 2022
  • Bobby Rydell – Aged 79 years. 60’s teen idol, singer of “Wild One.”
April 6, 2022
  • Rae Allen – Aged 95 years. Tony winning stage and screen actress seen in “The Sopranos” and “Stargate.”
  • Rayfield Wright – Aged 76 years. Hall of Fame O-lineman for the Cowboys..”
April 7, 2022
April 8, 2022
  • Edwin Kantar – Aged 89 years. World champion card player and author.
April 9, 2022
April 10, 2022
  • Joe Horlen – Aged 84 years. All-star pitcher for Oakland’s ’72 championship team.
  • John Drew – Aged 67 years. 2X NBA All-star and first player banned under the substance abuse policy.
April 11, 2022
  • Charnett Moffett – Aged 54 years. American jazz bassist who’s worked with just about everybody.
April 12, 2022
  • Shirley Spork – Aged 94 years. Pro golfer and LPGA founder.
  • Sonny Caldinez – Aged 89 years. Wrestler & actor with small roles in “Raiders of the Lost Ark” and “The Fifth Element.”
April 13, 2022
  • Tom McCarthy – Aged 61 years. Drug-running hockey player.”
April 14, 2022
  • Rio Hackford – Aged 51 years. Actor known for playing Toby on HBO’s “Treme”
April 15, 2022
  • Liz Sheridan – Aged 93 years. Actress who played Jerry’s mother on “Seinfeld.”
  • Mike Bossy – Aged 65 years. Hall of Fame right wing for The Islanders’ 80’s dynasty team.
April 16, 2022
  • David Leeson – Aged 64 years. Pulitzer-winning war photojournalist.
April 17, 2022
  • Jim Hartz – Aged 82 years. Barbara Walters’ co-host of “The Today Show.”
  • DJ Kay Slay – Aged 55 years. American DJ & record executive.
April 18, 2022
  • Sid Mark – Aged 88 years. Syndicated radio host of “Sunday with Sinatra.”
April 19, 2022
  • Brad Ashford – Aged 72 years. US congressman from Nebraska.
  • Garland Boyette – Aged 82 years. All-star linebacker for the Houston Oilers.
  • Freeman Williams – Aged 65 years. 2X NCAA season scoring leader who appeared in “White Men Can’t Jump.”
  • Kane Tanaka – Aged 119 years. World’s oldest person since 2018.
April 20, 2022
  • Robert Morse – Aged 90 years. Emmy and Tony-winning actor seen in AMC’s “Mad Men.”
  • Guitar Shorty – Aged 87 years. Blues guitarist/singer credited with influencing both Jimi Hendrix and Buddy Guy.
April 21, 2022
April 22, 2022
  • Guy Lafleur – Aged 70 years. Hall of Fame right wing who won 5 Stanley Cups.
April 23, 2022
  • Orrin Hatch – Aged 88 years. Utah senator who was the GOP’s longest-serving in history.
  • John Stofa – Aged 79 years. QB who became the Bengals’ first signed player and thrower of the team’s first touchdown.
  • Arno – Aged 72 years. Belgian singer & actor.
April 24, 2022
  • Richie Moran – Aged 85 years. American Hall of Fame lacrosse player and coach.
April 25, 2022
  • J. Roy Rowland – Aged 96 years. US congressman form Georgia.
  • Andrew Woolfolk – Aged 71 years. Sax player for Earth, Wind, & Fire.
  • Shane Yellowbird – Aged 42 years. Canadian country music singer-songwriter who wrote “Pickup Truck.”
April 26, 2022
  • Klaus Schulze – Aged 74 years. German electronic music pioneer & member of Tangerine Dream.
April 27, 2022
  • Judy Henske – Aged 85 years. American singer & songwriter dubbed “the Queen of the Beatniks.”
  • Bob Elkins – Aged 89 years. Character actor who appeared in “The Coal Miner’s Daughter.”
April 28, 2022
  • Neal Adams – Aged 80 years. Highly influential comic book artist.
April 29, 2022
  • Joanna Barnes – Aged 87 years. TV actress and author of home decorating books.
April 30, 2022
  • Gabe Serbian – Aged 44 years. Acclaimed drummer for extreme metal acts The Locust, Cattle Decapitation, and Head Wound City.

Lest Ye Be Juddged

in Hits & Misses by
“I once ate a burger…
this big, y’all.”

Naomi Judd –
Singer, actor, crazy redhead.
January 11, 1946 – April 30, 2022.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: As The Judds, Naomi and her daughter Wynonna were one of country music’s most successful duos… until she was sidelined by hep-C in 1991. Then came obscurity, weight gain, shi++y acting gigs, Judds reunion, weight loss, Oprah appearance, reality show, another reunion, lithium, and one day before her Country Music Hall of Fame induction, suicide.

Never Too Soon

in Hits & Misses by
“I see a lot of hot Ukranian broads on TV these days.
But these mass graves they’re in…
it’s such a turn off. “

Gilbert Gottfried –
Comedian, Actor, Aristocrat.
February 28, 1955 – April 12, 2022
Aged 67 years.

Most recognized for: His shrill squawkiness made him a perfect voice for Disney parrots & insurance ducks… but Gilbert’s brutal standup was not for the timid. Mass casualties and the recently deceased were often targets of his machine-gunned ramblings… often to the dismay of the audience. Well, most of the audience. Far be it from us to judge someone for poking fun at a dead man.

Trucked Off

in Hits & Misses by
“Is it just me?…
or does that dump truck appear to be…
getting closer?”

Dwayne Haskins –
Quarterback, MVP, speed bump.
May 3, 1997 – April 9, 2022.
Aged 24 years.

Most recognized for: Dwayne set school and conference records his sophomore year at Ohio State, placing 3rd in the Heisman voting for 2018. So he made the smart move… and bailed on college. He was drafted by the Redskins in the first round and ultimately signed with the Steelers for a shot at replacing Big Ben. But he’ll miss this season’s home opener in Pittsburgh… as he’s reportedly stuck out on the road somewhere in Florida.

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