Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Der Kommissar - page 45

Der Kommissar has 760 articles published.

Brad Hits the Road

in Hits & Misses by
“Collar popped? Check.
Steely Vulcan gaze? Check.
Zip-loc baggie for suicide note? Check.”
 

Brad Bufanda –
Actor, gym rat, man on the street.
May 4, 1983 – November 1, 2017.
Aged 34 years.

Most recognized for: When “Veronica Mars” was cancelled in 2007, fans of the teen mystery series lost their proverbial sh!t. Desperate for more, they took to Kickstarter and managed to crowdfund production of a Veronica Mars movie. Unfortunately for our boy Brad, his character on the show, Felix Toombs, didn’t make into the script… which might have been partly to blame for why he tossed himself off a high-rise in LA.

Two Month Warning!

in News & Updates by

OK, fukkers… it’s time to get your sh!t together and start thinking about next year’s picks! Now that Halloween is over, Christmas has stuck it’s ass right in our faces. It’s everywhere… and well before the rotting jack-o-lantern on my porch even makes it to the trash. Every soul-sucking retailer – from Macy’s to The Home Depot – already has all their Christmas sh!t out… front and center. Where are the decorative turkeys?… the pleasantly plump birds, cartoonish in their happiness despite their imminent death & dismemberment. And the pilgrims?… with their depressing clothes that made use of buckles in strange places… and their awkward firearms that appeared to be equal parts rifle and trombone? Where are they in my pre-thanksgiving shopping experience? Sold down the river, unable to compete with the commercial juggarnaut that Jesus’ birthday has become.

Anyway, the point being: The new year is closer than you think. Prepare thyself.  If you haven’t already, start doing your research.  Remember, the list submission deadline is 12:00AM January 1st, 2018. If you don’t already know the drill, visit the Rules & Reg’s page to get up to speed.  There will be some slight tweaks to the language before the year is up, but for the most part it’ll be the same for 2018’s pool.  There will, however, be some new point incentives added as well. For example:  If you are the only person to lay claim to a particular corpse, bonus points will be awarded.  What good does that do?  It encourages you to be creative, mutherfukker.  Take a flyer here and there.  Don’t have a list that looks like it was largely pulled form last year’s unlucky 13. Yawn, fart… that’s no fun.  Run some google searches, read a few news feeds, stalk a couple of ritzy hospices… think outside the bye-bye box.

It’s also a good time to start recruiting new players. More players and more lists yields a bigger & better prize package, folks. So spread the word. A buddy, a neighbor, your degenerate brother-in-law, that jaggoff from work… think they’d be down for some of this action? Reel ’em in. Send them to the site. Remind them that for a modest membership and processing fee they can be part of an entire year’s worth of our morbid merriment. And for any of you people currently on the sidelines, quietly monitoring our disrespect for the deceased… jump in, dammit! What are you waiting for?! Send us your info via the contact page & we’ll get back in touch with you when crunch time hits in December…. but start thinking about your picks now.

Next year aside, this year has been a rollercoaster… especially the past couple of months.  Since giving a score update would only be self serving at this point, I’ll just let the leaderboard do the talking.  It still is, however, anybody’s game. Good luck to all of this year’s participants.  We’ve entered the funeral home stretch… and I’m willing to bet we see a few more hits before the year’s end.  Regardless of how it turns out, we hope that everyone will be back join us again in 2018.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to scour the web for some fresh toe tags.

– Der Kommissar

Grave Diggler

in Hits & Misses by
“Hey y’all.  Haven’t had a hit since ’76, but I’m here to sing that one disco song that wasn’t  in the movie about Mark Wahlberg’s prosthetic penis.
Hit it!”

Keith Wilder –
Singer, musician, disco daddy.
December 20, 1951 – October 29, 2017.
Aged 65 years.

Most recognized for: With his brother Johnnie, he co-founded the band Heatwave… who gave us the tune “Boogie Nights” in 1976.  After a slew of unrelated stabbings created some line-up changes, Heatwave split… but Keith was hellbent on putting the band back together. So he rounded up some scabs and limped it along as sole original member for a few more decades… which was totally unnecessary.

Only in a Re-Run

in Hits & Misses by
“You wanna hear a joke about Ed Asner’s dick?’

Jack Bannon –
Actor, star child, Travolta-in-law.
June 14, 1940 – October 25, 2017.
Aged 77 years.

Most recognized for: Jack played editor Art Donovan for the 5 season run of “Lou Grant,” yet another Mary Tyler Moore show spin-off.  He also had recurring roles on several other programs throughout the 80’s, including primetime dope operas like “Falcon Crest,” and “Knots Landing.”

Fallen Domino

in Hits & Misses by
“I don’t mind if you call me The Black Liberace… just as long as you tell the ladies I’m straight,
you dig?”
 

Antoine “Fats” Domino –
Musician, piano prodigy, fat man.
February 26, 1928 – October 24, 2017.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: A New Orleans bandleader gave ol’ Antoine the nickname “Fats” not because of his girth… but because he reminded him of 2 other popular jazz pianists: Fats Waller and Fats Pichon. The chubbiness was just a bonus.  His N’awlins twist on classic rhythm & blues yielded 35 top 40 singles, including the hit “Blueberry Hill.”

Selected by: J. Vaughn

You Just Can’t Find Good Help These Days

in Hits & Misses by
“How is the tea, gentlemen? It’s my special brew.
Do you detect a hint of asparagus?”
 
 

Robert Guillaume –
Actor, Emmy winner, TV Jeeves.
November 30, 1927 – October 24, 2017.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: Robert played sass-mouthed butler Benson DuBois on the quirky sitcom “Soap” and its longer-lived spin-off “Benson.” He also was cast as the voice of shaman primate Rafiki in the Lion King films… which must have been a difficult casting call to make. “Hello, Mr. Guillaume? Hi, this is So-and-So from Disney. Yeah. We need someone to be the voice of an old baboon. You down, bro?”

Manson Family Loses Member

in Hits & Misses by
“I had the same guy who designed
Charlie Brown’s sweater do my eyebrows
Spooky sh!t, right?”
 
 

Scott Putesky A.K.A. Daisy Berkowitz –
Musician, producer, spooky kid.
April 28, 1968 – October 22, 2017.
Aged 49 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Putesky met fellow reject Brian Warner at a Florida club in 1989. A few years later, their band Marilyn Manson and the Spooky Kids shortened its name to just Marilyn Manson to better suit Brian’s ego. Creative differences precipitated Scott’s departure from the band… just as colon cancer precipitated his departure from the planet.

Selected by: Der Kommissar and The Kim Reaper

Scooter Runs Out of Gas

in Hits & Misses by
“Why yes… I do have a pair of moccasins to go with my coon-skin hat. Would you like a fat lip to go with your smart mouth?”
 

Brent Briscoe –
Actor, writer, Billy Bob hang-around.
May 21, 1961 – October 18, 2017.
Aged 56 years.

Most recognized for: He’s had small parts in a handful of big movies… usually showing up next to Billy Bob Thornton for some reason.  An early role as Scooter, the dim-witted mower mechanic in “Sling Blade,” marked the beginning of his motion picture career.  Mr. Briscoe also landed some TV gigs, with regular appearances in shows such as “Parks & Recreation,” “Hell on Wheels,” and the recent Showtime version of “Twin Peaks.”

Hip Dislocation

in Hits & Misses by
“So I sez to the waitress: ‘Listen, honey… I want my bacon thick and round… like this, got it? I’m a goddamned Canadian National treasure and I only eat Canadian bacon!'”
 
 

Gordon “Gord” Downie –
Musician, philanthropist, Canuck.
February 6, 1964 – October 17, 2017.
Aged 53 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Downie was the lead singer for The Tragically Hip, a band that was more tragically Canadian than hip.  While a late 90’s SNL appearance marked the peak of his fame in the US, he had Bono-esque celebrity status in the Great White North. After receiving a brain cancer diagnosis in 2016, ol’ Gord decided to make one last tour with the band and then had to take off, eh.

Selected by: Der Kommissar, B. Hollander, M. Gettys, K. Laws

Enter the Sh!t Abyss

in Hits & Misses by
“How old is this sh!t stick?!
I think I just broke a sh!t crown!!”
 
 

John Dunsworth –
Actor, Canadian, killjoy.
April 12, 1946 – October 16, 2017.
Aged 71 years.

Most recognized for: John’s scene-stealing character on Trailer Park Boys proved that some Canadian television is actually worth watching. As Mr. Lahey, the falling-down-drunk trailer park manager, John nailed the part every time… despite being a person who rarely touched the stuff. Off the set, he crusaded against placement of video poker games in bars. Sorry, John… but if you don’t want to play the game, don’t go to the fukken bar.

Black Hawk Down

in Hits & Misses by
“If sideburns were a crime,
this would be my mugshot.
For real.”
 
 

Connie Hawkins –
NBA’er, Globetrotter, Paul Simon’s bitch.
July 17, 1942 – October 6, 2017.
Aged 75 years.

Most recognized for: Known as “the Hawk” on his NYC b-ball home turf, his tenure as an Iowa Hawkeye was cut short by a ridiculous NCAA point shaving scandal. He later successfully sued the NBA for the right to play, finishing his pro career with the Atlanta Hawks.  He also appeared on the 2nd ever episode of SNL in a skit that pitted him against Paul Simon in a schoolyard 1-on-1 match… where Simon won.  Wanna see it? You’ll have to Hulu that sh!t.

Crooner Coaks

in Hits & Misses by
“It’s at about this point in the show, folks,
that I like to share with you my impersonation of Linda Lovelace.”

Jimmy Beaumont –
Singer, songwriter, Skyliner.
October 21, 1940 – October 7, 2017.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: Jimmy was the lead singer for 50’s doo-wop group The Skyliners and co-writer their hit “Since I Don’t Have You,” which has been covered by everyone from Barbara Streisand to Guns N’ Roses. The original lineup disbanded in 1963, but Jimmy limped it along for another 50+ years utilizing a revolving door of personnel.

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