Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses - page 2

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

Call a Tow Truck

in Hits & Misses by
“Dude!
Dig my blouse?
I got in on clearance at Penny’s.”

Ric Ocasek
Musician, artist, car guy.
March 23, 1944 – September 15, 2019.
Aged 75 years?

Most recognized for: Ric’s gaunt physique and penchant for wayfarer sunglasses made him one of the more recognizable figures in the world of 80’s pop music. As front man for The Cars, he wrote all of their hits, but didn’t manage to find much solo success after the group’s 1988 breakup. Throughout it all, his ‘look’ remained the same… which made ID’ing the body found inside his NYC apartment that much easier.

None for the Money

in Hits & Misses by
“Sorry, folks. I wasn’t getting any
takers on that 2nd ticket…
so I sold it to Valerie Harper.”

Eddie Money
Singer, songwriter, Mick.
March 21, 1949 – September 13, 2019.
Aged 70 years.

Most recognized for: “Two Tickets to Paradise,” “Shakin,” “Walk On Water,” & “Take Me Home Tonight”… if you haven’t heard ’em, you’re either deaf or a clueless millennial. Hitless & irrelevant since the 80’s, he managed to get a few laughs in a 2012 Geico commercial.  But as a presumed result of being a long-time smoker, he’d picked up some nasty throat cancer… and the Money man suddenly cashed out.

Late Sooner

in Hits & Misses by
“Do I like Mexicans?
Un poquito, my friend.
Un poquito.”
 

T. Boone Pickens
Oil tycoon, republican, croaked Okie.
May 22, 1928 – September 11, 2019.
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: A notorious corporate raider from Oklahoma, T. Boone made a newsworthy name for himself by acquiring large fossil fuel companies in the 80’s.  In the mid 2000’s, he offered up a $1M dollar bounty for proof that presidential candidate John Kerry’s purported Vietnam war record was a crock of sh!t. Nearing the end, he had suffered multiple stokes and falls… and yet was not selected by anyone in the DRCDP… leaving us with the slimmest of pickin’s.

No More Loony Tunes

in Hits & Misses by
“I like cassettes.
I think they sound better.
But hey…
what do I know?
I’m fukken crazy,
right?”
 
 

Daniel Johnston
Singer, songwriter, schizoid.
January 22, 1961 – September 10, 2019.
Aged 58 years.

Most recognized for: An underground novelty in his home of Austin, TX, Daniel graduated to full-blown cult status after Kurt Cobain started wearing his t-shirts. Alternative musicians became enamored with his “genius,” they started hanging out, dropping acid together & what not, etc. Whoops! Who invited the bi-polar schizophrenic to the party?… and fed him acid?!? His highly erratic behavior, bizarre obsessions, and violent meltdowns became the subject of a 2005 documentary. But as he approached 60, Dan’s steady diet of Mt. Dew & cigarettes became unsustainable.

Guerrillas Missed

in Hits & Misses by
“I don’t like it either, but
I have to wear
all the crazy colors,
goddammit!
Otherwise,
my ass gets hit
crossing the street
at night!”
 
 
 

Robert Mugabe
Dictator, DayGlo diplomat, dickhead.
February 21, 1924 – September 6, 2019.
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: After leading a 4 year guerilla war to overthrow British colonial dominance and white minority rule, Bob signed a cease fire in 1979. The agreement precipitated the newly independent state of Zimbabwe in 1980… of which he was elected the first Prime Minster. From there, his hatred for biscuits (British crackers) really took off… calling for the violent seizure of white-owned farmland. This drastically impacted food production… leading to famine, sanctions, and economic ruin. Almost 4 decades of crimes against humanity later, he was finally ousted… first from his homeland… and now, the planet.

Selected by: Raspus

End of the Rhoda

in Hits & Misses by
“No.
Don’t you DARE invite
that show-stealing bitch
Sandy Fukking Duncan
to my funeral!!
That’s going too far,
your hear me?
Too far!!”

Valerie Harper
Actress, comedian, lingerer.
August 22, 1939 – August 30, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Rhoda was the first of 3 characters to get their own MTMS spin-off back in the 70’s. Then, the family sitcom “Valerie” debuted in ’86… and Ms. Harper started bitching about her pay. NBC responded by killing off the show’s title character and giving “The Hogan Family” a new blonde mom in season 3. The remainder of her career consisted mostly of TV guest appearances… and tormenting deadpoolers with her cancer battle.

Selected by: M. Poweleit, Raspus, Schlitz, A.L. Nose, D. Cruise, K. Reaper, Pille, & Hoh

Not So Fast

in Hits & Misses by
“Go ahead.
Compare me to Danica Patrick.
And I’ll kick you so hard, you’ll be
wearing your nuts for a hat.”

Jessi Combs
Pro race driver, TV host, fast chick.
July 27, 1980 – August 27, 2019.
Aged 39 years.

Most recognized for: When Jessi wasn’t co-hosting shows like “Mythbusters,” “Overhaulin’,” “The List,” and “Xtreme 4X4,” she was winning off-road racing titles and setting world land speed records. But “the fastest woman on four wheels” bit the dust while attempting to break her own record… by crashing her jet-engine powered automobile into a dry lake bed. [insert misogynist ‘women-behind-the-wheel’ joke here.]

Taken By Storm

in Hits & Misses by
“Ray may talk a lot of chocolate talk,
but he’s pretty vanilla below the belt,
if you catch my drift.”

Kathleen Blanco
Politician, Democrat, buck passer.
December 15, 1942 – August 18, 2019.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: Kathleen was the Governor of Louisiana at the time Hurricane Katrina hit in 2005. Along with fellow nincompoop Ray Nagin, she had a hand in bungling the timeliness of state’s disaster relief efforts… but conveniently deflected all the blowback towards Dub’ya’s buddies at FEMA.

Selected by: Raspus & Tote Menschen

Down By Contact

in Hits & Misses by
“Man…
and I thought playing for
Chicago sucked.”

Cedric Benson
NFL RB, All American, tipsy Texan.
December 28, 1982 – August 17, 2019.
Aged 36 years.

Most recognized for: Once a stud running back for the Longhorns, Cedric was drafted 4th overall by the Bears in 2005. 2 seasons later, he was busted for drunk boating… which made him ripe for a trade to the handcuff-friendly Cincinnati Bengals. A couple of assault charges and a DUI later, Ced found himself brokering mortgage loans in Austin… when his motorcycle made a fiery collision with a minivan.

On a One-way Trip

in Hits & Misses by
“I’m not sure if all the LSD we took did any permanent damage, but I’m sure that I can smell your thoughts right now.”

Peter Fonda
Actor, screenwriter, doper.
February 23, 1940 – August 16, 2019.
Aged 79 years.

Most recognized for: He became a countercultural icon after producing, co-writing, and starring in 1969’s “Easy Rider.” According to co-star Jack Nicholson, with Mr. Fonda and director Dennis Hopper they smoked more than 150 joints filming the campfire scene alone. 50 years later, Ol’ Pete succumbed to complications of lung cancer. Connection? You be the judge.

A Touch Too Much

in Hits & Misses by
“Here’s one for all you foil-hatters out there:
It wasn’t the Clintons, Trump, the Russians…
or even me paying off the guards
to simply look the other way.
It was inter-dimensional space aliens
that beamed into my cell and choked the life
out of me with their noodly appendages.
Could happen !
Think about it
!”

Jeffrey Epstein
Financier, Clintonista, pervert.
January 20, 1953 – August 10, 2019.
Aged 66 years.

Most recognized for: Jeffrey was a top-level investment consultant who specialized in ponzi schemes, currency manipulation, blackmail, and child prostitution. Friends in high places – and rumored CIA ties – kinda/sorta got him off the hook in ’07 for forcing underage girls to pleasure prominent people in his Palm Beach mansion… which was filled with hidden cameras. But it didn’t stop there… and Jefferey’s history with grossly underage girls became undeniable. While awaiting trial, he was found dead in his jail cell… giving rise to endless ridiculous conspiracy theories.

London Flogged

in Hits & Misses by
“So you wanna be a rock star?
Come play with us!
It’s a helluva lot cheaper than
one of those fantasy camps
and our drugs are better!”

Nigel Benjamin & Lizzie Grey
Musicians, glam guys, Sunset strippers.
9/12/54 – 8/2/19 & 8/13/58 – 8/4/19.
Aged 64 & 60 years.

Most recognized for: Hollywood, 1978. Lizzie and a fella named Nikki Sixx formed a glam-metal band… and soon recruited Nigel from Mott (the Hoople) to be their vocalist. They called themselves London… and soon became an incubator for hair metal stardom. A long list of ex-members went on to form some of the genre’s biggest acts (Mötley Crüe, Guns N’ Roses, Cinderella, W.A.S.P.,) but poor Nigel & Lizzie got left behind… forever.

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