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Hits & Misses - page 3

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

Kingdom Come

in Hits & Misses by
“First you call wrestling fake…
and now gay?
You go too far sir.
Too far.”

Harley Race
Wrestler, promoter, royal douche.
April 11, 1943 – August 1, 2019.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: Billed under various names, he grappled with sweaty dudes for 30+ years… most notably as “The King Harley Race” during the WWF’s glory days. After defeating an opponent, manager Bobby Heenan would grab a handful of the loser’s hair and force them to bow and kneel before his highness… adding one more layer of bizarre innuendo onto the whole homoerotic circus that is professional wrestling.

Quiet as a Mouse

in Hits & Misses by
“[SNORT] . Yep! That’s me!
More chins than chinatown!”

Russi Taylor
Voice actor, Emmy winner, Disney diva.
May 4, 1944 – July 26, 2019.
Aged 75 years.

Most recognized for: If you watched any cartoons in the 80’s, you’ve heard her voice at some point. “Strawberry Shortcake,” “My Little Pony,” “Duck Tales,” “Muppet Babies,” “The Flintstones,” “The Smurfs”…. the list goes on. But if none of those rings a bell, she voiced Minnie Mouse for all things Disney since 1986 and 4th grade nerd Martin Prince on “The Simpsons.”

Got the Memo

in Hits & Misses by
“My lawn? Yeah. You’re on it.”

Rutger Hauer
Actor, Golden Globe winner, Dutch boy.
January 23, 1944 – July 19, 2019.
Aged 75 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Hauer was already a celebrated actor in his native Netherlands before he became memorable to US theatergoers as Roy in 1982’s “Blade Runner.” He later starred in “The Hitcher,” “Wanted: Dead or Alive,” “Sin City,” “Batman Begins,” and the awesomely sh!tty & gritty “Hobo With a Shotgun.”

Off to Nevil-neville Land

in Hits & Misses by
Get me two!”

Art Neville
Singer, songwriter, cajun casualty.
December 17, 1937 – July 22, 2019.
Aged 81 years.

Most recognized for: A pioneer in the New Orleans funk scene, he founded The Neville Sounds… which would go on to become the Neville Brothers. Sibling Aaron Neville eventually became the breakout artist of the group, eclipsing Art’s work with The Funky Meters and Slightly Stoopid. But Art never really escaped the NOLA scene… and became a permanent fixture at an undisclosed location.

Cracker Reduced to Crumbs

in Hits & Misses by
“Mic drop!
Sh!t… wrong hand.”

Johnny Clegg
Musician, anthropologist, slump buster.
June 7, 1953 – July 16, 2019.
Aged 66 years.

Most recognized for: Johnny’s bi-racial band Juluka really stirred the pot in the 1970s. Thier politically charged lyrics that fused Zulu & English placed them at the front & center of South Africa’s anti-apartheid movement. But John boy hadn’t charted a hit since the 80’s… that is, until pancreatic cancer came along.

Selected by: Pille & Schlitz

Torn Apart

in Hits & Misses by
“Who said ‘Rip Taylor?!
Anybody who confuses me with that confetti-throwing fruitcake gets a wrench in the face.”

Rip Torn
Actor, Oscar nominee, Patches O’Houlihan.
February 6, 1931 – July 9, 2019.
Aged 88 years.

Most recognized for: The gruff & temperamental Mr. Torn had been a serious thespian for decades… until his work on Garry Shandling’s “The Larry Sanders Show” precipitated an avalanche of comedic movie roles… including “Dodgeball,” “Freddie Got Fingered,” & the “Men in Black” series. Alas, no cause of death was released… which – for fans & curious ghouls alike – was a total rip-off.

Former Reformer

in Hits & Misses by
“I just love talkin’ to you press bozos!
I could just read you the ingredients
off the back of a soda cracker box
and y’all would lose your
goddamned minds!”

H. Ross Perot
Billionaire, Texan, sideshow.
June 27, 1930 – July 9, 2019.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: A quirky and cartoonish hayseed out of Texarkana, he was the most successful 3rd party candidate since Teddy Roosevelt. But before he became a sound-bite grabber’s wet dream, he made his fortune in computers… and despite having once lost $450M in a single day on the NYSE in the 70’s, he bankrolled prisoner extractions out of Iran, gave Steve Jobs $20M when he got kicked out of Apple, and purchased an original copy of the Magna Carta… when he really should’ve been funding a cure for leukemia.

Siezed the Day

in Hits & Misses by
“How many of those sh!tty ‘Grown Ups‘ movies did they make?!? I know… I can hardly believe it either.”

Cameron Boyce
Actor, Disney kid, freckle farm.
May 28, 1999 – July 6, 2019.
Aged 20 years.

Most recognized for: Cameron got regular work from the Disney Channel, making appearances in a handful of shows and made-for-TV kids movies. On the big screen, he played Adam Sandler’s spoiled son in both “Grown Ups” movies. But before his regular role in a forthcoming HBO series could see the light of day, Mr. Boyce’s epilepsy stole the show.

Laughed Out

in Hits & Misses by
“This bit will be what ultimately
defines my career? Verrrry interesting.”

Arte Johnson
Actor, Primetime Emmy winner, runt.
January 20, 1929 – July 3, 2019.
Aged 90 years.

Most recognized for: Arte made appearances on just about every damned TV show made from the 60’s through the mid 80’s and continued working as a cartoon voice actor into the next century. However, the peak of his exposure was during his tenure on “Rowan & Martin’s Laugh In”… where he regularly played a dirty old man or a nosy german soldier.

Butterball Blown Dead

in Hits & Misses by
“Hey ref… can we skip the 2 minute warning?
I’ve got a case of the shakes coming on…
and the only cure is a Baconator
with extra cheese…
and extra bacon.”

Jared Lorenzen
NFL QB, Wildcat, fatty.
February 14, 1981 – July 3, 2019.
Aged 38 years.

Most recognized for: After setting school records at University of Kentucky, Jared was picked up by the NY Giants to be Eli’s backup from 2004-2007. He then transitioned to arena football… where he really lived up to catchy nicknames “Hefty Lefty” and “Pillsbury Throwboy.” After passing the 500 lb mark, ESPN began documenting his attempt at downsizing… but his comeback rally was squashed by an acute kidney infection.

Broken English

in Hits & Misses by
“If I’m gonna let one person get away with it,
it might as well be Dirty Fukken Harry himself.
As for the rest of you crackers,
don’t be gettin’ any ideas.”

Paul Benjamin
Actor, playwright, old boy.
January 1, 1935 – June 28, 2019
Aged 84 years.

Most recognized for: Paul’s stage & screen career spanned 6 decades, first appearing in 1969’s “Midnight Cowboy.” He later became a go-to support player for African-American film directors, including Spike Lee, Bill Duke, Robert Townsend, and John Singleton. But we’ll always remember him as English, the prison yard shot-caller in 1979’s “Escape From Alcatraz”… who took an N-bomb to the face from Clint Eastwood.


in Hits & Misses by
“Will I sign your Pinto’s tailgate?
Uh… no thanks.
You never can be too careful.”

Lee Iacocca
Businessman, author, motorhead.
October 15, 1924 – July 2, 2019.
Aged 94 years.

Most recognized for: A former president of Ford and chairman of Chrysler, Lee’s vision gave us the Ford Mustang and the Dodge Caravan. But not every idea was a winner. He’s also to blame for the Ford Pinto and the Chrysler K-Car. Long retired from the auto business, he busied himself with various philanthropic endeavors…. until Parkinsons-related complications put his ass in park.

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