Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses - page 3

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

Chills Multiplying

in Hits & Misses by
John: “Do you think anyone knows, Olivia?…
That I’m… ya’know?”
Olivia: “Maybe you should stop putting
that sh!t in your hair and try greasing
your closet hinges instead.
And yes, John. Everyone knows.”

Olivia Newton-John –
Singer, actress, grease fitting.
September 26, 1948 – August 8, 2022.
Aged 73 years.

Most recognized for: By 28, Olivia was the music world’s chart-topping, Grammy-winning good girl. Then came the role of Sandy… a sheltered 50’s high school senior who trades her poodle skirt & bobby socks for black spandex & cigarettes. Post-Grease, she quickly shed what was left of her wholesome image for that of a horny aerobics instructor with her near-pornographic exercise anthem “Physical.” And though she put up a fight, repeated bouts with illness left her summer dreams ripped at the seams. But, oh, those summer nights.

Radio Silence

in Hits & Misses by
“Tommy Lasorda did the best hidden ball trick.
I have no idea how he did it or where he kept it,
but the ball always smelled like
sh!t afterwards”

Vin Scully –
Sportscaster, Kid from the Bronx, Mick.
November 29, 1927 – August 2, 2022.
Aged 94 years.

Most recognized for: He’d done golf and football for CBS Sports, but Mr. Scully was best known as a baseball play-by-play guy. The longest-tenured broadcaster with a single team in pro sports history, he called Dodgers games for a record 67 seasons. His iconic voice carried a special undulating rhythm that was often lampooned or outright copied by comics & other broadcasters. But lately, his delivery’s been a bit flat…. and so has Vin.

Selected by: Dr. Death

Dead Guy

in Hits & Misses by
“Period’s over… outta my way.
As long as the Zamboni’s on the ice,
I’ve got a date with flavor country.”

Guy LaFleur –
NHL player, French Canadian, Hab.
September 20, 1951 – April 22, 2022.
Aged 70 years.

Most recognized for: Widely considered to be one of the best 100 players of all time, Guy was the first in NHL history to score at least 50 goals and 100 points in six consecutive seasons… and the fastest player (at the time) to reach 1,000 points. “The Blonde Demon” refused to wear a helmet and loved to rip cigs in the locker room. Though his noggin could handle the abuse, his lungs didn’t fare so well.

Selected by: Tote Menschen.

The Short List – July ’22

in Hits & Misses by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

July 1, 2022
  • Irene Fargo – Aged 59 years. Italian singer and TV personality.
July 2, 2022
  • Peter Brook – Aged 97 years. Emmy & Tony-winning director of stage & screen.
July 3, 2022
  • Robert Curl – Aged 88 years. Nobel Prize-winning chemist.
July 4, 2022
  • Richard J. Bernstein – Aged 90 years. American author and philosopher.
  • Hank Goldberg – Aged 82 years. Sportscaster & color commentator who specialized in NFL and horse racing.
July 5, 2022
  • Manny Charlton – Aged 80 years. Founding lead guitar player Scottish hard rockers Nazareth.
  • Lenny Von Dohlen – Aged 63 years. Actor who played Harold Smith in the “Twin Peaks” universe.
July 6, 2022
  • Kazuki Takahashi – Aged 60 years. Japanese manga artist and creator of the “Yu-Gi-Oh!” trading card game.
July 7, 2022
  • Adam Wade – Aged 87 years. Singer, actor, and America’s first black game show host.
July 8, 2022
  • Larry Storch – Aged XX years. Emmy-nominated comic actor known best for his role on TV’s “F Troop.”
July 9, 2022
  • L.Q. Jones – Aged 94 years. American actor and director who regularly appeared in Sam Peckinpah’s flicks.
July 10, 2022
July 11, 2022
  • Sean Kelly – Aged 81 years. Humorist, author, National Lampoon editor, & SNL contributor.
July 12, 2022
  • Bobby Hill – Aged 100 years. Champion motorcycle racer… not the kid from King of the Hill.
July 13, 2022
July 14, 2022
July 15, 2022
  • Paul Ryder – Aged 58 years. English musician & actor, founding bass player for Happy Mondays.
July 16, 2022
July 17, 2022
  • Enam Ali – Aged 61 years. Bangladeshi-born British businessman & MBE recipient.
July 18, 2022
  • Rebecca Balding – Aged 73 years. American TV actress seen on “Soap” and “Charmed.”
July 19, 2022
  • Kevin Rooney – Aged 71 years. Emmy-winning stand-up comedian, writer, and actor.
  • William Richert – Aged 79 years. American filmmaker and actor seen in “My Own Private Idaho.”
July 20, 2022
July 21, 2022
  • Jim Lynch – Aged 76 years. Linebacker for KC’s Super Bowl IV team.
  • Taurean Blacque – Aged 82 years. “Hill Street Blues” actor & national spokesman for adoptive services.
July 22, 2022
  • Dwight Smith – Aged 58 years. Outfielder for the Braves’ ’95 World Series Team.
July 23, 2022
  • Bob Rafelson – Aged 89 years. Producer/director of “Easy Rider,” “Five Easy Pieces” and co-creator of “The Monkees.”
July 24, 2022
  • David Warner – Aged 80 years. English actor who played the decapitated photographer in “The Omen.”
July 25, 2022
  • Tom Poberezny – Aged 75 years. Award-winning and record-setting aerobatic pilot.
July 26, 2022
July 27, 2022
  • Mary Alice – Aged 85 years. Emmy and Tony Award-winning actress who played The Oracle in the 3rd Matrix movie.
  • JayDaYoungan – Aged 24 years. Another dumbass rapper.
  • Burt Metcalfe – Aged 87 years. 13x Emmy-nomintaed writer & actor for “M*A*S*H.”
  • Bernard Cribbins – Aged 93 years. English actor with a 7 decade career.
July 28, 2022
  • Wayne Hawkins – Aged 84 years. 5x AFL All-star O-lineman for the Raiders.
July 29, 2022
  • Jim Sohns – Aged 75 years. Vocalist for blues-rockers Shadows of the Night.
July 30, 2022
  • Pat Carroll – Aged 95 years. American actress and comedian who voiced Ursula in “The Little Mermaid.”
July 31, 2022
  • Bill Russell – Aged 88 years. Celtics center and NBA legend.
  • Fidel V. Ramos – Aged 94 years. 12th President of the Philippines.

 

Black Hole Collapses

in Hits & Misses by
“I’m receiving a faint signal from someone claiming to be a dragon. It’s breaking up… but he keeps saying the Captain is some kind of lover. A… something… lover.”

Nichelle Nichols –
Actress, singer, space case.
December 28, 1932 – July 30, 2022.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: Often (erroneously) cited as the first interracial kiss on scripted television, Nichelle’s character Lt. Uhura got a little Captain on her in a 1968 episode of “Star Trek”… not because Kirk wanted to make out with the ship’s switchboard operator, but because he was forced by some form of alien mind control… which makes much more sense. Everybody knew Kirk preferred those green broads anyway.

Beaver Leaver

in Hits & Misses by
“For the last time, motherfukker,
my name’s not Wally. It’s Tony.
And the last time I saw a beaver was in
you momma’s bedroom last night.”

Tony Dow –
Actor, director, goody two-shoes.
April 13, 1945 – July 27, 2022.
Aged 77 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Dow has always been a bit of a rarity. On-screen he was Wally Cleaver – the polite, intelligent, responsible, and yet somehow popular teenager. Off-screen he was the 60’s child star who wasn’t tragically addicted to drugs, booze, and publicity. Post-Beaver, he landed various gigs on legit TV shows… as opposed to becoming a jizz biz novelty act. Although he’s no Ron Howard, for a 50’s child star, he turned out OK. But, mysteriously, his liver did not.

Another Paul Bearer

in Hits & Misses by
“Alright, Mr. Reaper.
Whatever DeNiro is paying you,
I’ll double it right now.”

Paul Sorvino –
Actor, artist, Goodfella.
April 13, 1939 – July 25, 2022.
Aged 83 years.

Most recognized for: Hollywood mafiosos are quickly becoming a hotter deadpool commodity than wrestlers or rappers. A few weeks ago, it was Paulie Walnuts from “The Sopranos.” And now, Mr. Sorvino… whose “Goodfellas” character Paulie Cicero (based on real life Capo Paul Vario) encouraged us all to “just stay away from the garbage.” But if the angel of death insists on collecting another Paulie, might we suggest he lay off the guidos and go for Mr. Shore?

Can’t Catch Me

in Hits & Misses by
“It’s just a milk mustache, dahling.
Don’t be disgusting. I’m not that kinda girl.
Unless…”

Ivana Trump –
Model, author, professional divorcee.
February 20, 1949 – July 14, 2022
Aged 73 years.

Most recognized for: Born & raised in Soviet-controlled Czechoslovakia, Ivana first married a ski instructor just for an Austrian passport. Her 2nd divorce granted her fame, fortune, and the Trump surname. Ex-spouse #3 was sued for $15M and the on/off drama of #4 gave her the tabloid attention she desperately craved. But after swearing off marriage & attachments, the idea of “standing on her own two feet” didn’t quite work out as she’d planned.

Last Call

in Hits & Misses by
“What’ll it be? Wellers? Red or green label?
Me… I prefer green. Speaking of green,
you wanna hear me rant about climate change?”

Joe Turkel –
Actor, WWII vet, lefty.
July 15, 1927 – June 27, 2022.
Aged 94 years.

Most recognized for: According to Jack Torrence, he was “the best god-damn bartender from Timbuktu to Portland, Maine – or Portland, Oregon for that matter.” At least, that was his ghostly character in Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining.” In real life, Joe’s used his cult cinema status to grab the mic & give pep talks at Occupy Seattle rallies. But since his liver gave up, the only thing he’s occupying now is a burial vault.

Pasta Way

in Hits & Misses by
“Just because I get my hair & makeup done
on set everyday, that doesn’t mean
I enjoy that type of thing.
I ain’t no finook, understand me?!”

Tony Sirico –
Actor, felon, greaseball.
July 29, 1942 – July 8, 2022.
Aged 79 years.

Most recognized for: Once a real-life pistol-packin’ goombah from Brooklyn, Tony decided to try acting after a 20 month stretch in Sing Sing. He took the part of Paulie Walnuts in “The Sopranos” on the condition that his character would never “become a rat.” Unfortunately, Mr. Sirico’s passing adds to a growing cluster of recently deceased Hollywood wiseguys… including Ray Liotta & James Caan… which begs the question: Can somebody go check on Joe Pesci? Please?

Departly Sonny

in Hits & Misses by
“I cried once… from this eye here.
It was when they told me that I had to
kiss Barbara Streisand on camera.
I still have nightmares.”

James Caan –
Actor, elf dad, Corleone.
March 26, 1940 – July 6, 2022.
Aged 82 years.

Most recognized for: With roles in too many great films to list, we’ll just focus on one: The Godfather. Oh Sonny… you lecherous hothead. How could you fall for that little farce Carlo played with Rocky Balboa’s wife? I mean your mouthy sister… whatever. But it wasn’t an ill-fated tollbooth stop that got ol’ Santino this time. Though I’m sure the Caans know the cause, they’re keeping it personal, not business… drawing a collective rebuke from the celebrity dead pool world.

Bowed Out

in Hits & Misses by
“So that’s where that dropped piece
of sashimi went. I’ve been walking
around with tuna foot since lunch.”

Shinzo Abe –
Ex-Jap PM, rich kid, Trumpster.
September 21, 1954 – July 8, 2022.
Aged 67 years.

Most recognized for: Shinzo was Japan’s longest-serving prime minister. Whenever confronted about the Japanese Imperial Amy’s practice of sexual slavery in WWII occupied territories, his unwavering response of “oh, you mean comfort girls? Yeah… never happened” was always a crowdpleaser. Surprisingly, that had nothing to do with why he was assassinated while campaigning for a 3rd term.

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