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Hits & Misses - page 3

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

No Mercy

in Hits & Misses by
“In 35 years,
all I’ll be known for
is this stupid fukking karate movie?
I oughtta kick your ass
for that.”

Rob Garrison
Actor, West Virginian, 80’s catch-phrase.
January 23, 1960 – September 27, 2019.
Aged 59 years.

Most recognized for: From his short list of 80’s film & TV appearances, he’ll eternally be known as Tommy… the Cobra Kai who shouted “Get him a body bag!” in 1984’s “The Karate Kid.” He reprised the role twice in his career:  once in a music video directed by Johnny (Billy Zabka,) that reunited the entire gang with their sensei… and again on season 2 of the YouTube Premium series “Cobra Kai.” Then, Rob’s sudden kidney and liver failure crane-kicked any chance of a season 3 appearance.

Frenchman Surrenders

in Hits & Misses by
“Rrrrrrrrrr….
rrribbet!”
 

Jacque Chirac
Ex-Head of State, career politician, frog.
29 November 1932 – 26 September 2019.
Aged 86 years.

Most recognized for: He served as mayor of Paris for almost 20 years and was subsequently elected President of France in 1995… an office he held for 12 years. In the wake of 9/11, George Dub’ya’s trigger-finger was itching to teach somebody (anybody) a lesson in respect… but Jack was the most adamant non-supporter of the war on terror… leading to menu changes at greasy spoons throughout the US.

Captain’s Call

in Hits & Misses by
“So you say you’re
Afraid of clowns?
I can’t imagine why.”
 

Sid Haig
Actor, hypnotherapist, clown.
July 14, 1939 – September 21, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Sid had given up on acting. After 3 decades in the biz, he’d become bored with being typecast as the B-movie bad guy… going so far as to turn down the role of Marsellus Wallace in “Pulp Fiction.” But Rob Zombie resurrected Mr. Haig to play Captain Spaulding in 2003’s “House of 1000 Corpses”… elevating him from B to B+ status and granting him cult fandom in the world of deliberately sh!tty horror films.

Vacancy

in Hits & Misses by
“So I figured…
why not do something good
with my ridiculous wealth?
My idiot grandkids are just
gonna waste it on
booze & blow anyway.”

Barron Hilton
Hotelier, philanthropist, rich grandpa.
October 23, 1927 – September 19, 2019.
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: Barron founded the American Football League (AFL) and was the original owner of the Los Angeles Chargers, but his legacy would be the family business: Hilton Hotels… for which he served as chairman & CEO. After his father’s death, he handed a large portion of his birthright over to a charity – The Conrad N. Hilton Foundation – which was dedicated to easing the suffering of the poor, the sick, catholic nuns, and various other lost causes.

Out for Kicks

in Hits & Misses by
“The officials missed me
blasting that dude
in the face?
Kewl.”
 

Fernando Ricksen
Footballer, Dutchman, hothead.
July 27, 1976 – September 18, 2019.
Aged 43 years.

Most recognized for: A star midfielder who commanded multi-million dollar contracts, Fernando definitely liked to kick up some sh!t from time to time. With brawls, bans, & suspensions on-field and frequent arrests for alcohol-fueled stupidity off-field, he regularly made the papers… regardless of wether he played or not. Then along came ALS… which ended the antics and sidelined him for good.

Selected by: Abra Cadaver

Cokie Croaks

in Hits & Misses by
“Seriously?
You haven’t noticed that odor?
I don’t know about you,
but I definitely smell bullsh!t.
Wait…
It’s not me, is it?”
 
 

Cokie Roberts
Journalist, author, mouthpiece?
December 27, 1943 – September 17, 2019.
Aged 75 years.

Most recognized for: Ms. Roberts was a political and public affairs news correspondent for 40+ years and won multiple awards for excellence in journalism. However, she was born into a family steeped in the brine of politics… with congressional parents and an older brother in charge of one of the world’s most powerful lobbyist law firms. Examples of odd coincidences between her reporting and what her brother’s firm was spinning to the world made for interesting reading… until they were removed from Wikipedia a few hours ago.

Call a Tow Truck

in Hits & Misses by
“Dude!
Dig my blouse?
I got in on clearance at Penny’s.”

Ric Ocasek
Musician, artist, car guy.
March 23, 1944 – September 15, 2019.
Aged 75 years?

Most recognized for: Ric’s gaunt physique and penchant for wayfarer sunglasses made him one of the more recognizable figures in the world of 80’s pop music. As front man for The Cars, he wrote all of their hits, but didn’t manage to find much solo success after the group’s 1988 breakup. Throughout it all, his ‘look’ remained the same… which made ID’ing the body found inside his NYC apartment that much easier.

None for the Money

in Hits & Misses by
“Sorry, folks. I wasn’t getting any
takers on that 2nd ticket…
so I sold it to Valerie Harper.”

Eddie Money
Singer, songwriter, Mick.
March 21, 1949 – September 13, 2019.
Aged 70 years.

Most recognized for: “Two Tickets to Paradise,” “Shakin,” “Walk On Water,” & “Take Me Home Tonight”… if you haven’t heard ’em, you’re either deaf or a clueless millennial. Hitless & irrelevant since the 80’s, he managed to get a few laughs in a 2012 Geico commercial.  But as a presumed result of being a long-time smoker, he’d picked up some nasty throat cancer… and the Money man suddenly cashed out.

Late Sooner

in Hits & Misses by
“Do I like Mexicans?
Un poquito, my friend.
Un poquito.”
 

T. Boone Pickens
Oil tycoon, republican, croaked Okie.
May 22, 1928 – September 11, 2019.
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: A notorious corporate raider from Oklahoma, T. Boone made a newsworthy name for himself by acquiring large fossil fuel companies in the 80’s.  In the mid 2000’s, he offered up a $1M dollar bounty for proof that presidential candidate John Kerry’s purported Vietnam war record was a crock of sh!t. Nearing the end, he had suffered multiple stokes and falls… and yet was not selected by anyone in the DRCDP… leaving us with the slimmest of pickin’s.

No More Loony Tunes

in Hits & Misses by
“I like cassettes.
I think they sound better.
But hey…
what do I know?
I’m fukken crazy,
right?”
 
 

Daniel Johnston
Singer, songwriter, schizoid.
January 22, 1961 – September 10, 2019.
Aged 58 years.

Most recognized for: An underground novelty in his home of Austin, TX, Daniel graduated to full-blown cult status after Kurt Cobain started wearing his t-shirts. Alternative musicians became enamored with his “genius,” they started hanging out, dropping acid together & what not, etc. Whoops! Who invited the bi-polar schizophrenic to the party?… and fed him acid?!? His highly erratic behavior, bizarre obsessions, and violent meltdowns became the subject of a 2005 documentary. But as he approached 60, Dan’s steady diet of Mt. Dew & cigarettes became unsustainable.

Guerrillas Missed

in Hits & Misses by
“I don’t like it either, but
I have to wear
all the crazy colors,
goddammit!
Otherwise,
my ass gets hit
crossing the street
at night!”
 
 
 

Robert Mugabe
Dictator, DayGlo diplomat, dickhead.
February 21, 1924 – September 6, 2019.
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: After leading a 4 year guerilla war to overthrow British colonial dominance and white minority rule, Bob signed a cease fire in 1979. The agreement precipitated the newly independent state of Zimbabwe in 1980… of which he was elected the first Prime Minster. From there, his hatred for biscuits (British crackers) really took off… calling for the violent seizure of white-owned farmland. This drastically impacted food production… leading to famine, sanctions, and economic ruin. Almost 4 decades of crimes against humanity later, he was finally ousted… first from his homeland… and now, the planet.

Selected by: Raspus

End of the Rhoda

in Hits & Misses by
“No.
Don’t you DARE invite
that show-stealing bitch
Sandy Fukking Duncan
to my funeral!!
That’s going too far,
your hear me?
Too far!!”

Valerie Harper
Actress, comedian, lingerer.
August 22, 1939 – August 30, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Rhoda was the first of 3 characters to get their own MTMS spin-off back in the 70’s. Then, the family sitcom “Valerie” debuted in ’86… and Ms. Harper started bitching about her pay. NBC responded by killing off the show’s title character and giving “The Hogan Family” a new blonde mom in season 3. The remainder of her career consisted mostly of TV guest appearances… and tormenting deadpoolers with her cancer battle.

Selected by: M. Poweleit, Raspus, Schlitz, A.L. Nose, D. Cruise, K. Reaper, Pille, & Hoh

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