Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses - page 3

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

Last Lap

in Hits & Misses by
“So there’s nothing in this picture that could cause me any problems 30 years from now?
No? Then kiss away, ladies.”

Junior Johnson
NASCAR driver, team owner, shiner.
June 28, 1931 – December 20, 2019.
Aged 88 years.

Most recognized for: Junior was the wheel man for his notorious family’s bootlegging business. His skill for high speed, evasive driving landed him a legit career in professional racing, becoming one of NASCAR’s top 50 drivers of all time. After retiring from racing, he returned to the ‘shine biz, starting his own legal brand, Midnight Moon. But in the end, Junior made one last pit stop in hospice before Alzheimers black-flagged him.

Yogi Buried

in Hits & Misses by
“No Yoga…
no yoga pants.
You’re welcome, fellas.”

Ram Dass
Author, spiritualist, day-tripper.
April 6, 1931 – December 22, 2019,
Aged 88 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Dass was a psychology professor at Harvard when he met Timothy Leary… and they soon became LSD BFFs. The duo conducted extensive “research” on psychedelics, becoming countercultural gurus in the process.  Ram’s book “Be Here Now” sold over 2 million copies and is credited for popularizing yoga  & meditation in Western culture.

Done Don

in Hits & Misses by
“Typecast? Me?!?

Danny Aiello
Actor, Oscar winner, wop.
June 20, 1933 – December 12, 2019.
Aged 86 years.

Most recognized for: If you needed someone to play a pizza parlor owner, an Italian hitman, or any other random underworld greaseball, Danny was your guy. His role as pie-slinger Sal in Spike Lee’s “Do the Right Thing” earned him an Academy Award in 1989. Thirty years and thirty thousand meatball sandwiches later, The Last Don saw his last dawn in Jersey.

Philip Doesn’t Live Here Anymore

in Hits & Misses by
“I’m the only reason they have a kids menu here. Nobody else in their right mind would bring their child to eat in this sh!thole.”

Philip McKeon
Actor, producer, Jo’s big bro.
November 11, 1964 – December 10, 2019.
Aged 55 years.

Most recognized for: The awkward & toothsome Mr. McKeon played Tommy Hyatt – the title character’s son – on the diner-based sit-com “Alice” for 9 years. He also made brief appearances on other TV Land classics such as “Fantasy Island,” “The Love Boat,” and “CHiPS.” But after a lengthy battle with an undisclosed illness, the time came for Tommy to kiss Flo’s grits goodbye and pay the check.

Box of Rox

in Hits & Misses by
“OK… for the last time…
I’m not helping anyone assemble
the furniture they bought from IKEA tonight.”

Marie Fredriksson
Singer, songwriter, Swede.
May 30, 1958 – December 9, 2019.
Aged 61 years.

Most recognized for: Not far behind meatballs, candy fish, and Volvo, Roxette found success as one of Sweden’s biggest exports.  With hits like “The Look,” “Listen to Your Heart,” and “It Must have Been Love,” Linda and her bandmate Per Gessle topped the charts around the globe.  But 17 years after her initial diagnosis, it turned out to be brain cancer that could make a brown eyed girl turn blue.

Outta Juice

in Hits & Misses by
“I thought they
were Pez, dawg.
For real.”

Jarad Higgins AKA Juice WRLD
Rapper, songwriter, pill popper.
December 2, 1998 – December 8, 2019.
Aged 21 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. WRLD had just turned 21 and decided to fly home to celebrate. Upon landing in Chicago, he was tipped off that the po-po had plans to search his rent-a-jet & all its cargo… which – besides his entourage – consisted of 70+ pounds of guns & dope. So Juice hid what he could… and swallowed all of his painkillers… turning his one-way flight into a connection to the sweet hereafter.

Tally Me Banana

in Hits & Misses by
A good Day-O to you
as well, sir.”

Irving Burgie
Singer, songwriter, phantom Lord.
July 28, 1924[1] – November 29, 2019.
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: Irving – or “Lord Burgess” as he liked to call himself – was responsible for writing some of the most popular calypso tunes of the 20th century… including Harry Bellafonte’s “Day-O” that was popularized in “Beetlejuice.”  But after decades of living comfortably off of the royalties from Harry’s records, Mr. Burgie had ticker trouble the day after Thanksgiving… culminating in his blackest Friday.

Cry Wolf No More

in Hits & Misses by
You had me on your list
for how many years?
And then dropped me for Demi Lovato?!
Oh man, that’s rich!”

Clive James
Author, broadcaster, chimney.
October 7, 1939 – November 24, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Clive wrote novels, columns, lyrics, and was a familiar face on the BBC for a few decades. Then, when his boozing & 4 pack-a-day habit finally caught up with him, he woefully told the world that he was “near the end.” That was almost a decade ago. At last, the struggle has ended… and a sense of peace and closure may come to deadpoolers everywhere.

Selected by: Abra Cadaver & Nobe

Seoul Mates

in Hits & Misses by
We’re so miserable, can’t you tell?
Tee hee!”

Goo Hara & Sulli
4/29/94-10/14/19 & 1/13/91-11/24/19
Singers, actresses, quitters.
Aged 28 & 25.

Most recognized for: Man… being rich & famous in your twenties must be a real motherfukkin’ drag… especially for Korean girls. Movie roles, popular TV shows, hit records, red carpet parties, awards, accolades, adoring fans, loads of money… I mean, it’s all enough to make you wanna kill yourself, isn’t it? Well… within about a month of each other, that’s exactly what these two K-Pop BFFs did.

1001 Corpses

in Hits & Misses by
it’s cold outside.
Real fukken cold.”

Michael J. Pollard
Actor, Oscar nominee, runt.
May 30, 1939 – November 20, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Pollard garnered praise from The Academy early in his career, earning a best supporting actor nod for his role in 1967’s “Bonnie & Clyde.” But that didn’t pan out to be quite the resume builder he’d hoped. He continued to work, but typically in small character roles… with notable appearances in “Tango & Cash,” “Scrooged,” “Roxanne,” and Rob Zombie’s “House of 1000 Corpses.”

Out of the Picture

in Hits & Misses by
“An 8 ball? Ha ha! No.
8 balls are for girl scouts. If you wanna roll with me, kid, you’d better bring a ball.
I’m talking like this here. You feel me?”

Robert Evans
Producer, actor, cokehead.
June 29, 1930 – October 26, 2019.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: After transitioning from 3rd rate actor to an aggressive movie producer, he was appointed head of Paramount in the late 60’s… and by shifting the floundering studio’s focus from commercial to original, he brought us “Rosemary’s Baby,” “Chinatown,” and the first 2 “The Godfather” movies.  The rest of Cokey McSnortFukk’s career is beautifully summed up by this Patton Oswalt bit.

September Mourn

in Hits & Misses by
I actually died last month,
but my family just reported it now?!
Wow… Talk about an
October Surprise!”

Leah Bracknell
Actress, limey, TV lesbo.
July 12, 1964 – September 2019.
Aged 55 years.

Most recognized for: Ms. Bracknell had a 16 year run on the telly with her award-winning performance as Emmerdale regular  Zoe Tate – the first lesbian character in U.K. soap opera history.  Aside from dyking out on the British boob tube, Leah also taught yoga and fought lung cancer.  And you can probably guess which of those she was least successful at.

Selected by: M. Poweleit, Raspus, Schlitz, K. Reaper, A. Cadaver, Pille, Nobe

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