Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses - page 45

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

Funeral Homeless

in Hits & Misses by
“King Cobra better than Old English?!?
Them’s fightin’ words!!!””

“Rufus The Stunt Bum” Hannah
Stuntman, humanitarian, alcoholic.
November 27, 1954 – October 4, 2017
Aged 62 years.

Most recognized for: Paid in pocket change and malt liquor to punch and prank other homeless drunks, Rufus was the star of the incendiary Bumfights film series. After filing suit against the producers in 2003, Mr. Hannah cleaned up his act and became an advocate for homeless rights. Sobriety and regular bathing was working out well for him… until an 18 wheeler put him back on the street. All over the street.

Earthquake in Vegas

in Hits & Misses by
“Did somebody say chicken wings?!?
I’m totally down from some spicy garlic, yo!”
 
 

Ralphie May
Comedian, actor, funny fat guy.
February 17, 1972 – October 6, 2017.
Aged 45 years.

Most recognized for: A poor kid from Arkansas crippled by his weight and a Southern twang, he won a comedy contest at the age of 17 to open for his idol Sam Kinison. He later gained notoriety as runner-up in another comedy contest, Last Comic Standing. Then, Ralphie dropped dead… sending shockwaves throughout the comedy community. Literally.

Selected by: N. Galvez

Whacked Again

in Hits & Misses by
“I guess this means that I’ll never get the money that De Niro owes me.”

Chuck Low
Actor, Army vet, schmuck on wheels.
July 21, 1928 – September 18th, 2017.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for:  Though he had bit parts here & there, his big role was as wig shop owner Morris “Morrie” Kessler in “Goodfellas.”  Morrie’s shitty TV commercials showed him repeatedly jumping into a pool to proudly demonstrate his product’s secure fit… and drew the ire of Jimmy Conway.  Poor Morrie.  He & Jimmy Roast Beef deserved better.

Total Rebuild Required

in Hits & Misses by
“Who You Trying To Get Crazy With, Ese?
Don’t You Know I’m Loco?”

Robert Yates
NASCAR team owner, engine builder, grease monkey.
April 19, 1943 – October 2, 2017
Aged 74 years.

Most recognized for: He was the man with the plan for building stock car engines that were anything but “stock.” As an owner, he won 57 cup races… including 3 Daytona 500’s. He’s scheduled to be inducted into NASCAR’s Hall of Fame as part of the “Class of 2018,” but if he’s planning on taking a victory lap, it’ll be in a hearse.

Into the Great Wide Open

in Hits & Misses by
“Well…. my mom says I’m handsome.
Who are you to disagree with my mom?”

Tom Petty
Musician, songwriter, stoner.
October 20, 1950 – October 2, 2017.
Aged 66 years.

Most recognized for: Considered one of the best selling music artists of all time, Mr. Petty’s career speaks for itself. His looks on the other hand…. yikes. Tom definitely had a face for radio, bearing the resemblance of a sick horse. Fortunately for him, people liked what they heard & bought it… only to recoil in horror later at his appearance on the album’s artwork.

No Deal

in Hits & Misses by
“Instead of that trip to Hawaii,
we’re gonna give you this donkey.
Now… don’t you feel greedy & stupid?”

Monty Hall
Game show host, philanthropist, Canuck.
August 25, 1921 – September 30, 2017.
Aged 96 years.

Most recognized for: Monty fled the Great White North in 1955 to persue a career in American broadcasting. After a brief stint as the radio voice of the NY Rangers, he started landing TV games show gigs. Then came “Let’s Make a Deal.” Here Monty played used car salesman to a bullpen full of hyperactive adults dressed as if they were attending a Halloween party for pre-schoolers. American TV at its finest.

Forever Stiff

in Hits & Misses by
“So people actually jerk off to this magazine, eh?
Hmmm… I guess I would too… if I wasn’t already busy bangin’ all these broads.”

Hugh Hefner
Publisher, playboy, nudie pic purveyor.
April 9, 1926 – September 27, 2017.
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: One doesn’t get loads & loads of hot tail simply by donning a velvet smoking jacket & a silly captain’s hat.  You have to first convince some attractive, attention-hungry ladies to remove their clothes & let you take pictures of their goodies. Next, start a magazine… and make millions selling those images to horny dudes around the world. Then comes the jacket & the hat.  Top it off with a mansion & a pipe and you’ve got Hugh Hefner.

Playboy’s first issue was funded in part by a $1000 loan from his mother… half of which he used to acquire photos of a naked Marilyn Monroe… Playboy Magazine’s first centerfold. 64 years, over 750 issues, and Pfizer-only-knows how many grandpa’s little helpers later, the Hef has finally poked & published his last piece.

Selected by: Der Kommissar, A. Harper, B. Buzek, Haas & ‘Watsch, J. Vaughn, J. Kaplan, B. Vihndal, J. Ro, Death’s Dick

Death Do Us Part

in Hits & Misses by
“Take it from me, kids:
Sick celebrity research pays off.”

Tony Booth
Actor, political campaigner, baby maker.
October 9, 1931 – September 25, 2017.
Aged 85 years.

Most recognized for: His hit BBC sitcom “Till Death Do Us Part” was recognized as the inspiration for “All in the Family.” Clearly not the biggest fan of prophylactics, Mr. Booth had 8 daughters by 4 different women… one of which became former UK Prime Minister Tony Blair’s wife.

Selected by: C. Capps

Lost Soul

in Hits & Misses by
“An now for a new dance move I’ve been refining: the constipated robot.”

Charles Bradley
Singer, soul man, latecomer.
November 5, 1948 – September 23, 2017.
Aged 68 years.

Most recognized for: Discovered in his early 60’s as an almost-better-than-the-real-thing James Brown impersonator, he was signed to a throwback soul label & released his debut album in 2011. Nicknamed “the Screaming Eagle of Soul,” he enjoyed a few short years of fame before the screaming stopped.

Not Worth It

in Hits & Misses by
“I’m presently on my way to the
make-up chair, darling. I just had to stop by
Home Depot first to pick up
a new roller & trowel.”
 

Liliane Bettencourt
Billionaire, businesswoman, French broad.
October 21, 1922 – September 22, 2017.
Aged 94 years.

Most recognized for: She was considered by Forbes to be the richest woman in the world, valued at over $44 billion. Her fortune was largely inherited, as she became principle shareholder of her father’s beauty products conglomerate L’Oréal. That’s right… the cosmetics company that peddles sh!t designed to keep your skin soft & youthful. Then why does she look as if a wolverine tried clawing her eyes out and wiped its ass on the bridge of her nose? Anyone?

U.N. Jefferson Retires

in Hits & Misses by
“Hey now…
hands off my Tri-lambs, Dan Connor.”

Bernie Casey
Actor, NFL Wide Receiver, frat boy.
June 8, 1939 – September 20, 2017.
Aged 78 years.

Most recognized for: Bernie had a fairly successful 8 year run in the NFL before going Hollywood. Often seen wearing the “what the fukk’s your problem” scowl, he was regularly cast as the big black dude with little patience and no sense of humor… as seen in “Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure,” “Spies Like Us,” “Another 48 Hours,” and “Revenge of the Nerds.”

Down & Out

in Hits & Misses by
“Fukk…
what happened?”

Jake LaMotta
Boxer, comic, hard-headed bastard.
July 10, 1922 – September 19, 2017.
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: Jake’s turbulent life was chronicled in the Oscar winning biopic “Raging Bull.” Not only was he known for doling out savage punishment in the ring, but he he could also take it like no other. In the end, it was pneumonia that got the last 10 count on the ol’ Bronx Bull.

Selected by: T. Cronin, J. Kaplan

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