Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses - page 5

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

Off the Ropes

in Hits & Misses by
Happy Mental Health
Awareness Month, everyone!
Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m late
for my necktie modeling gig.

Ashley Massaro
Wrestler, model, swinger.
May 26, 1979 – May 16, 2019.
Aged 39 years.

Most recognized for: As one of the WWE’s Divas, she frequently “wrestled” other ladies in what were known as “Bra & Panties Matches.” In 2007, she made a handful of TV appearances outside the ring and even graced the cover of Playboy. Although certain parts of her anatomy seemed to defy gravity, a recent experiment involving a noose proved that the phenomenon was strictly localized to her chest.

The Longest Yard

in Hits & Misses by
Which one of you fukkwits
brought me a water?
So fired.”

Bob Hawke
Ex-head of state, Aussie, drinker.
December 9, 1929 – May 16, 2019.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: In his college years, Bobby set a Guinness World Record for his ability to dome – or as they say down under – skull a yard of ale in 11 seconds. This often-repeated party trick made Bobby very popular… and – as he would later admit in his memoirs – contributed heavily to his success in the world of politics. Fast forward to the 1980s, where Bobby became Australia’s Prime Minister with record approval ratings. Man… I shoulda went to college in Australia.

Sketched Out

in Hits & Misses by
“I’ve heard the expression
everything went black ‘…
but plaid?!?
If this is the hereafter,
I think I’m gonna hurl.”

Tim Conway
Comedian, actor, dwarf duffer.
December 15, 1933 – May 14, 2019.
Aged 85 years.

Most recognized for: A key component to the success of the Carol Burnett show, Tim was notorious for shattering the composure of fellow sketch comedy performers. In the late 80’s, his Dorf character – a bumbling Swedish midget – became all the rage of the direct-to-video comedy market. He scored some recurring voice work on Spongebob Squarepants… until hydrocephalus sent Barnacle Boy to Davey Jones’ locker.

Selected by: Tote Menschen

Day of the Dead

in Hits & Misses by
“Dogs & cats are one thing,
but deer on the other hand?
Venison is just too goddamn delicious.
Look out, Bambi!”

Doris Day
Actress, singer, animal rights activist.
April 3, 1922 – May 13, 2019.
Aged 97 years.

Most recognized for: With dozens of feature films and hundreds of records to her name, Doris was one of the 20th century’s most popular entertainers. She even had a talk show in the 80’s, which became infamous for her interview with old co-star & friend Rock Hudson… whose gaunt appearance became the world’s first look into the face of AIDS. Today, the interview continues.

Selected by: Hoh

Check, Please

in Hits & Misses by
“One open button gets me 15 percent…
while 2 brings in an easy 25 to 30,
but it’s too cold in here for that shi!t”

Peggy Lipton
Actress, Golden Globe winner, Mod Broad.
August 30, 1946 – May 11, 2019.
Aged 72 years.

Most recognized for: Peggy earned accolades as an undercover hippie on the 60’s TV hit “The Mod Squad” and later ran the Double R Diner on “Twin Peaks.” In between, she married record producer Quincy Jones and cranked out a couple of kids, including actress Rashida Jones. Her role of waitress Norma Jennings came back in 2017… but shortly thereafter, so did her colon cancer.

Power Outage

in Hits & Misses by
“You’ve actually seen
some of my work?
Fist bump, brah.”

Pua Magasiva
Actor, radio host, soapy Samoan.
August 10, 1980 – May 11, 2019.
Aged 38 years.

Most recognized for: For the 11th season of the Power Rangers TV franchise, production moved to New Zealand in 2003, where they cast a local yokel in the lead role of the Red Ranger. In the same year, he landed a 2nd big gig. So, while karate-kicking for American pre-teen boob-tubers, Mr. Magasiva simultaneously was the panty-drenching heartthrob on the Kiwi soap opera “Shortland Street.” Anyway, he turned up dead in Wellington.

The Way the Wookie Crumbles

in Hits & Misses by
“Sorry… my name’s Peter…
but don’t be embarrassed…
it’s not the first time.
You’d be surprised how often I get
mistaken for Cher.”

Peter Mayhew
Actor, author, Texas transplant.
May 19, 1944 – April 30, 2019.
Aged 74 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Mayhew was promoted from hospital orderly to Hollywood’s favorite furball simply by standing up to greet George Lucas in 1976. But 43 years, 5 Star Wars flicks, and a million ComicCon autographs later, the man in the Chewbacca suit could hardly stand anymore… using a scooter to wheel his withered 7′ 3″ frame into the alley behind the convention center for a smoke.  And then… it was as if billions of cardiac muscle cells suddenly cried out in terror… and were suddenly silenced.

Burgertime Expires

in Hits & Misses by
“…and for a limited time, mourners receive
a free small order of fries with
each copy of the funeral program!*”
*Dine-in only. While supplies last.

John Havlicek & Gino Marchetti
Ball players, HOF’ers, grease merchants.
4/8/40 – 4/25/19 & 1/2/26 – 4/29/19.
Aged 79 & 93 years.

Most recognized for: In the offseason, sports writers just love to put together “top 50 players of all time” lists in lieu of doing any objective or relevant reporting . As pointless as these popularity contests might seem, these two clowns always manage to make the cut for their sport. Both played for national championship winning teams, both ran burger joints in their post-game years, and both now ride the big bench in the sky.

Under the Hood

in Hits & Misses by
“Excuse me , but…
why do you keep telling me
what you would like to drink?
Do I look like a…
Sh!t.. I do.”

John Singleton
Director, screenwriter, boy.
January 6, 1968 – April 29, 2019.
Aged 51 years.

Most recognized for: His debut film “Boyz in the Hood” catapulted him from South Central’s gangland to the Oscars’ red carpet… becoming the first African American and youngest ‘best director’ nominee. A perceived lack of black-made, black-themed Hollywood entertainment really got Mr. Singleton’s blood pressure going… so much so that a hypertension-related stroke left him in a coma. 2 weeks later, the time came to pull the plug… and John’s vision was finally fulfilled… as everything went black.

A Quart Low

in Hits & Misses by
“Will I miss
those corny Dallas Reunions?
Go spend an afternoon sitting next to
Patrick Duffy… and you’ll have your answer.”

Ken Kercheval
Actor, smoker, faux oil oligarch.
July 15, 1935 – April 21, 2019.
Aged 83 years.

Most recognized for: On the 80’s TV hit “Dallas,” he played Cliff Barnes and was the only character besides J.R. Ewing to endure throughout the show’s entire run.  The two oil adversaries battled each other for 14 seasons… and after cancellation, battled vice-induced health issues.  Larry, the heavy drinker, needed a new liver… while Ken, the heavy smoker, had half a lung removed.  Short on breath and on long-borrowed time, he finally succumbed to pneumonia in rural Indiana.


in Hits & Misses by
“Fukk it.
If I’m gonna go work for
the Browns, then there’s no point in
washing all this sh!t off my face.”

Forrest Gregg
O-lineman, NFL coach, concussion case.
October 18, 1933 – April 12, 2019.
Aged 85 years.

Most recognized for: Referred to as “the finest player I have ever coached” by Vince Lombardi, Mr. Gregg played a record setting 188 consecutive games in 16 seasons. Later, he called the shots for 4 NFL teams, and was the first head coach to take the Cincinnati Bungholes to a Super Bowl. An Iron Man to the end, he denounced links between his countless head injuries and his advanced Parkinson’s… which eventually shook the life out of him.

Dead and Killing It

in Hits & Misses by
“If you ever see me make a face
like this one, it must mean that I’m dead.
Yep…. this face right here.
Isn’t anybody going to do something?”

Ian Cognito
Comedian, button-pusher, limey.
July 12, 1958 – 11 April 11, 2019.
Aged 60 years.

Most recognized for: In jolly old England, Mr. Cognito’s provocative, confrontational comedy stylings were compared to late legends Bill Hicks and Lenny Bruce. His erratic and unpredictable sets earned him the status of Britain’s most banned comic. Then, minutes after joking about having a stroke, died onstage in the middle of his performance… which left an unwitting audience in stitches… until the ambulance arrived.

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