Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses - page 5

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

Box of Rox

in Hits & Misses by
“OK… for the last time…
I’m not helping anyone assemble
the furniture they bought from IKEA tonight.”

Marie Fredriksson
Singer, songwriter, Swede.
May 30, 1958 – December 9, 2019.
Aged 61 years.

Most recognized for: Not far behind meatballs, candy fish, and Volvo, Roxette found success as one of Sweden’s biggest exports.  With hits like “The Look,” “Listen to Your Heart,” and “It Must have Been Love,” Linda and her bandmate Per Gessle topped the charts around the globe.  But 17 years after her initial diagnosis, it turned out to be brain cancer that could make a brown eyed girl turn blue.

Outta Juice

in Hits & Misses by
“I thought they
were Pez, dawg.
For real.”

Jarad Higgins AKA Juice WRLD
Rapper, songwriter, pill popper.
December 2, 1998 – December 8, 2019.
Aged 21 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. WRLD had just turned 21 and decided to fly home to celebrate. Upon landing in Chicago, he was tipped off that the po-po had plans to search his rent-a-jet & all its cargo… which – besides his entourage – consisted of 70+ pounds of guns & dope. So Juice hid what he could… and swallowed all of his painkillers… turning his one-way flight into a connection to the sweet hereafter.

Tally Me Banana

in Hits & Misses by
A good Day-O to you
as well, sir.”

Irving Burgie
Singer, songwriter, phantom Lord.
July 28, 1924[1] – November 29, 2019.
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: Irving – or “Lord Burgess” as he liked to call himself – was responsible for writing some of the most popular calypso tunes of the 20th century… including Harry Bellafonte’s “Day-O” that was popularized in “Beetlejuice.”  But after decades of living comfortably off of the royalties from Harry’s records, Mr. Burgie had ticker trouble the day after Thanksgiving… culminating in his blackest Friday.

Cry Wolf No More

in Hits & Misses by
You had me on your list
for how many years?
And then dropped me for Demi Lovato?!
Oh man, that’s rich!”

Clive James
Author, broadcaster, chimney.
October 7, 1939 – November 24, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Clive wrote novels, columns, lyrics, and was a familiar face on the BBC for a few decades. Then, when his boozing & 4 pack-a-day habit finally caught up with him, he woefully told the world that he was “near the end.” That was almost a decade ago. At last, the struggle has ended… and a sense of peace and closure may come to deadpoolers everywhere.

Selected by: Abra Cadaver & Nobe

Seoul Mates

in Hits & Misses by
We’re so miserable, can’t you tell?
Tee hee!”

Goo Hara & Sulli
4/29/94-10/14/19 & 1/13/91-11/24/19
Singers, actresses, quitters.
Aged 28 & 25.

Most recognized for: Man… being rich & famous in your twenties must be a real motherfukkin’ drag… especially for Korean girls. Movie roles, popular TV shows, hit records, red carpet parties, awards, accolades, adoring fans, loads of money… I mean, it’s all enough to make you wanna kill yourself, isn’t it? Well… within about a month of each other, that’s exactly what these two K-Pop BFFs did.

1001 Corpses

in Hits & Misses by
it’s cold outside.
Real fukken cold.”

Michael J. Pollard
Actor, Oscar nominee, runt.
May 30, 1939 – November 20, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Pollard garnered praise from The Academy early in his career, earning a best supporting actor nod for his role in 1967’s “Bonnie & Clyde.” But that didn’t pan out to be quite the resume builder he’d hoped. He continued to work, but typically in small character roles… with notable appearances in “Tango & Cash,” “Scrooged,” “Roxanne,” and Rob Zombie’s “House of 1000 Corpses.”

Out of the Picture

in Hits & Misses by
“An 8 ball? Ha ha! No.
8 balls are for girl scouts. If you wanna roll with me, kid, you’d better bring a ball.
I’m talking like this here. You feel me?”

Robert Evans
Producer, actor, cokehead.
June 29, 1930 – October 26, 2019.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: After transitioning from 3rd rate actor to an aggressive movie producer, he was appointed head of Paramount in the late 60’s… and by shifting the floundering studio’s focus from commercial to original, he brought us “Rosemary’s Baby,” “Chinatown,” and the first 2 “The Godfather” movies.  The rest of Cokey McSnortFukk’s career is beautifully summed up by this Patton Oswalt bit.

September Mourn

in Hits & Misses by
I actually died last month,
but my family just reported it now?!
Wow… Talk about an
October Surprise!”

Leah Bracknell
Actress, limey, TV lesbo.
July 12, 1964 – September 2019.
Aged 55 years.

Most recognized for: Ms. Bracknell had a 16 year run on the telly with her award-winning performance as Emmerdale regular  Zoe Tate – the first lesbian character in U.K. soap opera history.  Aside from dyking out on the British boob tube, Leah also taught yoga and fought lung cancer.  And you can probably guess which of those she was least successful at.

Selected by: M. Poweleit, Raspus, Schlitz, K. Reaper, A. Cadaver, Pille, Nobe

Dead Men Wear Plaid

in Hits & Misses by
“Dammit. I knew I shoulda worn
the Tommy Bahama today.”

Robert Forster
Actor, Oscar nominee, triple-niner.
July 13, 1941 – October 11, 2019.
Aged 78 years.

Most recognized for: Robert’s 3 decades in acting had few highlights until a role as a bail bondsman in Quentin Tarantino’s “Jackie Brown” yielded a Best Supporting Actor nod. From then on, the work – both TV and film – came steadily.  But a failed battle with brain cancer was eventually how Max Cherry got popped.

What a Rip Off

in Hits & Misses by
“I outlived Rip Torn?
This calls for some confetti!
Wait… I’m feeling an odd, twitching”
sensation coming on.”

Rip Taylor
Comedian, actor, fruitcake.
January 13, 1935 – October 6, 2019.
Age 84 years.

Most recognized for: The absurdly flamboyant Mr. Taylor wielded a special brand of self-deprecating humor whilst fanning himself with his toupee and throwing confetti everywhere. Since the 1960’s, he’s made random appearances everywhere from “The Ed Sullivan Show” to “Jackass” and even grand marshalled a pride parade or two. But complications stemming from a nasty seizure let the reaper claim 2 Rips in 1 trip around the sun.


in Hits & Misses by
Jack Bruce can’t find
his prized giant poodles?
I can’t imagine where
they might be.”

Ginger Baker
Musician, misanthrope, maniac.
August 19, 1939 – October 6, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Dubbed “rock’s first superstar drummer,” Mr. Baker was not only known for his thundering, africanized rhythms, but also for his wildly erratic behavior. With a hair-trigger temper and an appetite for heroin and cigarettes that made Keith Richards look like a yoga instructor, Ginger’s survival into his 80’s only served as a fresh loogie spat upon the face of mother nature.  Finally, she can wipe it off.

Selected by: Nobe & S.B. Tattooed

Muff Takes a Dive

in Hits & Misses by
“Thank you, goodnight!
Sh!t. The sun’s still out.
Good afternoon!

Kim Shattuck
Singer, songwriter, punk chick.
July 17, 1963 – October 2, 2019.
Aged 56 years.

Most recognized for: She was the singer/guitar player for the 1990’s punk trio The Muffs. Her sassy rasp frequently made guest vocal appearances on other punkers’ tracks, including NOFX & Bowling for Soup. But when the 90’s ended, so did most of her genre’s retro-college novelty. She subbed for the absent Kim Deal on a 2013 Pixies tour, but then quietly – under a rock somewhere – she succumbed to ALS .

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