Cuba Gooding Sr. –
Singer, actor, old boy in the hood.
April 27, 1944 – April 20, 2017.
Aged 72 years.
Most recognized for: Cuba Sr. was lead vocalist for “The Main ingredient,” a soul group best known for the 1972 hit “Everybody Plays the Fool.” Found in his Jaguar dead of an overdose at the ripe old age of 72, he finally got his turn… and nailed it.
Matthew Tapunuu Anoaʻi AKA “Rosey” –
Wrestler, Samoan, chubby kid.
April 7, 1970 – April 17, 2017.
Aged 47 years.
Most recognized for: One half of the villainous wrestling duo “3 Minute Warning,” Rosey threw his weight around the ring in the WWE for about 5 years or so. Although he never achieved the same level of fame as his lil cuz Dwayne Johnson and lil bro Roman Reigns, he tried… but he died.
Aaron Hernandez –
Ex-Pat, murderer, prison bitch.
November 6, 1989 – April 19, 2017.
Aged 27 years.
Most recognized for: Operating under the Belichick-taught principle that basic rules were meant to be broken, this former New England Patriot decided that it was OK to off people he didn’t get along with. Convicted of 1st degree murder, his tight end was sent to the pokey… where he ultimately threw in the towel and hanged himself.
Clifton James –
Actor, decorated veteran, pretend po-po.
May 29, 1920 – April 15, 2017.
Aged 96 years.
Most recognized for: Somewhat typecast as a tobacco-chewing, gravy-swilling southerner, he played the bloated, clumsy cop character in “Cool Hand Luke,” “Superman II,” “Silver Streak,” and “Live and Let Die,” just to name a few. He was even a single-episode replacement for James Best as Rosco P. Coltrane on “The Dukes Of Hazzard.”
Emma Morano –
Supercentenarian, record holder, fossil.
November 29, 1899 – April 15, 2017.
Aged 117 years.
Most recognized for: A hundred and seven-fukking-teen years old. Jeezus. At the time of her death, she was the world’s oldest living person and the last living person born in the 1800’s.
Matt Holt –
Singer, musician, metalhead.
May 28, 1977 – April 15, 2017.
Aged 39 years.
Most recognized for: Mr. Holt was the vocalist for Washington D.C. metal group Nothingface. After a brief swell of success, the band broke up, reformed, and broke up again. So Matt went back to doing… well, whatever it was that he did… until an unspecified chronic illness cut that short.
Toby Smith –
Musician, producer, ponytail enthusiast.
October 29, 1970 – April 11, 2017.
Aged 46 years.
Most Recognized for: Remember Jamiroquai? Not really? That’s OK. They were one of those British funk-pop bands du jour back in the day when MTV actually played a music video from time to time. Anyway, Mr. Smith was the founding keyboardist.
Dan Rooney –
NFL Owner, ex-US ambassador, stupid rule maker.
July 20, 1932 – April 13, 2017.
Aged 84 years.
Most recognized for: Born in a squalid, mid-western shit-hole called Pittsburgh, ol’ Roon-dawg was a child of privilege and silver-spoon fed the business of football from an early age. Eventually, he was handed the reigns of the family business, becoming the president of his hometown’s unscrupulous NFL franchise in 1975.
Selected by: N. Galvez.
Peter Hansen –
Actor, soap star, jarhead.
December 5, 1921 – April 9, 2017.
Aged 95 years.
Most recognized for: He made appearances in a slew of popular TV shows over his career. “Magnum PI,” “Night Court,” “Cheers,” and “Golden Girls,” just to name a few. His biggest part was as lawyer Lee Baldwin on “General Hospital”… a role he reprised for 39 years. Soap operas… they’re harder to get out of than the Mexican mafia.
Charlie Murphy –
Actor, comedian, hater.
July 12, 1959 – April 12, 2017.
Aged 56 years.
Most recognized for: As a cast member of “Chappelle’s Show,” he drew upon past experiences as a part of his younger brother Eddie’s mid-80’s entourage to carve out a name for himself. Re-enactments of his bizarre encounters with Rick James and Prince were nothing short of comedy gold. Finally reunited in the hereafter, all 3 are presumed to be enjoying some pancakes & blow right about now.
John Warren “J” Geils –
Musician, songwriter, hometown zero.
February 20, 1946 – April 11, 2017.
Aged 71 years.
Most recognized for: As leader of the eponymous J. Geils Band, he’s responsible for catchy 80’s crap like “Love Stinks,” “Freeze Frame,” and the no. 1 hit “Centerfold.” Beloved so much by his pathetic home town of Groton, MA, they proclaimed December 1st “J. Geils Day” in 2009. It sounds like the cultural roots of that burgh run about as deep as the Amish gene pool.
Tim Pigott-Smith –
Actor, narrator, limey.
May 13, 1946 – April 7, 2017.
Aged 70 years.
Most recognized for: With nearly 50 years of stage and screen appearances, you may remember ol’ T-Piggs from his later works… namely “V for Vendetta” and the tragically British series “Downton Abbey.” Expiring only 3 days before he was scheduled to appear in a touring production of “Death of a Salesman,” he seemingly lost himself in the part.