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Hits & Misses - page 56

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

The Final Insult

in Hits & Misses by
“Insult me?!? Go head and try it, you piece of shit website!”

Don Rickles
Actor, comedian, merchant of venom.
May 8, 1926 – April 6, 2017.
Aged 90 years.

Most recognized for: With brass balls & a chrome dome, Don was the undisputed king of insult comedy. Mr. Warmth was “discovered” in a Miami Beach club when he singled out Frank Sinatra in an audience… to tell Ol’ Blue Eyes that his acting was shit.

Selected by: B. Beazly & M. Poweleit

Under the Overture

in Hits & Misses by
“Kid… do I look like the former right fielder for the Cincinnati Reds to you?”

Paul O’Neill
Composer, producer, longhaired freak.
February 23, 1956 – April 5, 2017.
Aged 61 years.

Most recognized for: He had produced records for rock bands such as Aerosmith, Metal Church, and Savatage, before creating heavy metal Christmas juggernaut The Trans-Siberian Orchestra. His hit Wizards in Winter is a favorite amongst OCD-afflicted Clark W. Grizwold wanna-be’s around the world.

Gone GILF

in Hits & Misses by
“Sei ruhig. Oma werde dich jetzt blasen.”

Christine Kaufmann
Actress, author, kraut.
January 11, 1945 – March 28, 2017.
Aged 72 years.

Most recognized for: A Golden Globe winning actress, Ms. Kaufmann starred in over 100 films and TV shows in the US & Germany… including “Der Kommissar.” She was also Tony Curtis’ 2nd wife, fukkbuddies with Warren Beatty & Eric Clapton, and later voted “Germany’s most beautiful grandmother.”

Rainbows at Half Mast

in Hits & Misses by
“I’m queer… I’m not here… get used to it.”

Gilbert Baker
Artist, activist, gerbil jockey.
June 2, 1951 – March 31, 2017.
Aged 65 years.

Most recognized for: Commissioned by Harvey Milk to create pride parade banners, he was the gay Betsy Ross that came up with the rainbow flag in 1978.
 
 
 

You’re Gonna Need a Bigger Casket

in Hits & Misses by
“You brought doughnuts? God bless you, sweetie.”

Darlene Cates
Actress, Texan, muumuu model.
December 13, 1947 – March 26, 2017.
Aged 69 years.

Most Recognized for: She played Leonardo DiCaprio’s housebound, morbidly-obese mother in “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape?” She followed it with a few other movie & TV appearances, but roles for a person her size were pretty… slim. Besides, most producers couldn’t afford the shipping & handling charges of getting her on set.

Evictus

in Hits & Misses by
“What do you mean Kentucky didn’t make it to the final four?!”
 

Ahmed Kathrada
Commie, author, shit-stirrer.
August 29, 1929 – March 28, 2017.
Aged 87 years.

Most recognized for: Got thrown in the pokey with his buddy Nelson Mandela for trying to overthrow the South African government. Decades later, they were released and he served at President Mandela’s side. Since then he’s been awarded honorary doctorate degrees from a handful of American universities, including The University of Kentucky. So by default, he’s a Wildcat. Hate him now?

Man Overboard

in Hits & Misses by
“Come on, bro. I get waaaay more pussy than Bob Ross!”

Sib Hashian
Drummer, Armenian, cruise casualty.
August 17, 1949 – March 22, 2017.
Aged 67 years.

Most recognized for: He played drums on the first few Boston records, got booted, and then wallowed in obscurity for a while… occasionally coming up for air as a stage actor. For his final act, he had a heart attack onstage while playing with former Boston bandmates on one of those goofy Rock & Roll Cruises.

The Gong Tolls for Thee

in Hits & Misses by
“You say you wanna bang the gong? Howz about we bang oonnn the the gong, baby? I gots the keys to the studio & everything.”

Chuck Barris
Game show creator/host, author, assassin?
June 3, 1929 – March 21, 2017.
Aged 87 years.

Most recognized for: Not only was he the face of The Gong Show, but Chuck also created The Dating Game and The Newlywed Game… just didn’t host them. His autobiography (later made movie) “Confessions of a Dangerous Mind” claimed that in his time off from TV, he was a contract killer for the CIA. Sure, buddy. Sure you were.

Can’t Take it With You

in Hits & Misses by
“You punk kids get off of my plaza!”

David Rockefeller
Banker, philanthropist, rich kid.
June 12, 1915 – March 20, 2017.
Aged 101 years.

Most Recognized for: The patriarch of the insanely wealthy Rockefeller family, he’s been head of Chase Manhattan bank and an Advisory Board member for the Bilderberg Group. Ask your friendly neighborhood conspiracy theorist about the Bilderberg Group and prepare to be unloaded upon.

Johnny B. Dead

in Hits & Misses by
“Uh oh. Better not let that one rip just yet. Gotta save it for the bitches backstage.”

Chuck Berry
Guitarist, vocalist, dirty bastard.
October 18, 1926 – March 18, 2017.
Aged 90 years.

Most recognized for: Obviously, ol’ chuck was one of the true pioneers of rock & roll.  However, the legendary axeman had a secret fetish: farting on hookers. Haven’t you heard? Check it out here, but be forewarned: it’s definitely NSFW.

Selected by: Der Kommissar

The Finish Line

in Hits & Misses by
“Who are you calling ‘squirrelly-looking?’ Do you know who the fuck I am?”

John Surtees
Road racer, team owner, adrenaline junkie.
February 11, 1934 – March 10, 2017
Aged 83 years.

Most recognized for: He was a 4 time 500cc class Motorcycle Racing World Champion and the 1964 Formula One World Champion… and remains the only person to have ever won world championships on both 2 and 4 wheels. So yes, he’s a celebrity… more deservedly so than most of the hicks that drive in circles for a living.

So Long, Sister

in Hits & Misses by
“Aw hell naw! You remember that episode of the Jeffersons?!?”

Joni Sledge
Singer, songwriter, sistah.
1957 – March 10, 2017.
Aged 60 years.

Most recognized for: As part of the all-sibling disco group Sister Sledge, she unleashed the “We Are Family” scourge upon countless innocent wedding partygoers. If a DJ showed up at a reception hall in the 1980s without Sister Sledge or Kool & the Gang, they placed themselves at grave personal risk.

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