Behold, fukkers! The most popular picks of 2018, as selected by The Dead Reckoner’s celebrity dead pool participants. Sick, old, enfeebled, or – in Artie Lang’s case – just begging for a visit from the angel of death, they might seem like safe bets… but one never really knows. Will this be the “lucky” year for this baker’s dozen?
#13 – Bob Barker
Born Dec. 12, 1923. Age 94. Covered in scabs from falls and frequent visits to the dermatologist, Bob’s just a crusty old fart. As the years drag on, it’s only a matter of time before Lucifer asks Mr. Barker to come on down.
#12 – Angela Landsbury
Born Oct. 16, 1925. Age 92. Aside from arthritis, Ms. Landsbury has been in decent health for her age. She described her recent appearance on a TV adaption of Little Women as, “my last role.” Although, we have fingers crossed for one last Jessica Fletcher reprisal in “Funeral, She Wrote.”
#11 – Artie Lange
Oct. 11, 1967. Age 50. A tremendous comic and fabulous human disaster, this poor dude just can’t shake the monkey. With the span of time between Artie’s rehab visits and relapses becoming shorter and shorter, finding him face down in a puddle of cold vomit this year isn’t too difficult to imagine.
#10 – Kirk Douglas
Born Dec. 9, 1916 – Age 101. 22 years after suffering a stroke, he’s still blowing out those damned birthday candles… with his 98 year old wife by his side. Whatever those two are stirring into their Metamucil seems to be doing the trick.
#9 – Devin Lima
Born Mar. 18, 1977. Age 41. Gone are the boy-band salad days of the 90’s & early aughts… and by the looks of a stage 4 adrenal cancer diagnosis, so too shall be any hope of another LFO record. Not to worry, though… NKOTB are rumored to be touring again soon.
#8 – Charlie Sheen
Born Sep. 3, 1965 – Age 52. To offer a caption for the photo to the right:
“You, kid. Yeah, you. Keep putting me on your dead pool list, dipshit. You seem to forget that I’m a totally bitchin’ rock star from Mars. I’ll be bangin’ broads & smokin’ heaters long after you’ve reached room temperature, my friend.”
#7 – Leah Bracknell
Born July 12, 1964. Age 53. Since her terminal lung cancer diagnosis in 2016, the British soap star has kept fairly quiet. A late 2017 talk show appearance revealed her to be of good color and in high spirits. But then again, that could have been three coffees and an extended make-up chair session talking.
#6 – Prince Philip
Born Jun. 10, 1921. Age 97. The British Monarchy. About as useless as an ashtray on a bicycle, they’re the world’s most expensive pets. England feeds them, houses them, fences them in for protection, and occasionally takes them out for walks. Perhaps the next time they roll Philip out into the streets of London it will be in a horse-drawn hearse… preferably before tea time.
#5 – Jimmy Carter
Born Oct. 1, 1924 – Age 93. Desperate for attention, this one-termer simply won’t give it up. America was over him after 4 years, but like a White Castle fart in an elevator, he lingers. As the whac-a-mole of American diplomacy, he’s popped up all over the globe at the first sign of trouble. Soon enough, though, an ambassadorship to the sweet hereafter will be in order.
#4 – Billy Graham
Born Nov. 7, 1918 – Age 99. If there are 3 things in the world that Billy can’t stand, they’re empty collection plates, mouthy women, and the Jews. A former crusading evangelist and recovering publicity junkie, the Grahamdaddy now spends his remaining days trying to shake off a case of the Parkinsons.
#3 – Valerie Harper
Born Aug. 22, 1939 – Age 77. Ol’ Val has been plagued with health issues for nearly a decade now. Following a 2009 bout with lung cancer and a highly-publicized terminal brain cancer diagnosis in 2013, she’s proven to be wasted space on dead pool lists over and over and over. It’s time to move on, Rhoda.
#2 – John McCain
Born Aug. 29, 1936. Age 81. One thing folks say about Senator McCain is that he’s a “survivor.” He may have endured a 5 year POW stretch at the Hanoi Hilton, but this brain cancer business? We’re not so sure. Repeated hospitalizations “for side effects of treatment” have us wondering when this Navy boy is shipping out.
#1 – George H.W. Bush
Born June 12, 1924. Age 94. For a 2nd consecutive year, Bush Senior takes the top seat… with his name appearing on over half of this year’s lists. Officially the longest lived and oldest living president, he makes a more than prudent selection at this juncture. So… now that George’s dreams of a 2nd term have been fulfilled, perhaps the Reaper will get down to some long overdue Bush-whackin.’