Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

September Mourn

in Hits & Misses by
“So…
I actually died last month,
but my family just reported it now?!
Wow… Talk about an
October Surprise!”

Leah Bracknell
Actress, limey, TV lesbo.
July 12, 1964 – September 2019.
Aged 55 years.

Most recognized for: Ms. Bracknell had a 16 year run on the telly with her award-winning performance as Emmerdale regular  Zoe Tate – the first lesbian character in U.K. soap opera history.  Aside from dyking out on the British boob tube, Leah also taught yoga and fought lung cancer.  And you can probably guess which of those she was least successful at.

Selected by: M. Poweleit, Raspus, Schlitz, K. Reaper, A. Cadaver, Pille, Nobe

Dead Men Wear Plaid

in Hits & Misses by
“Dammit. I knew I shoulda worn
the Tommy Bahama today.”

Robert Forster
Actor, Oscar nominee, triple-niner.
July 13, 1941 – October 11, 2019.
Aged 78 years.

Most recognized for: Robert’s 3 decades in acting had few highlights until a role as a bail bondsman in Quentin Tarantino’s “Jackie Brown” yielded a Best Supporting Actor nod. From then on, the work – both TV and film – came steadily.  But a failed battle with brain cancer was eventually how Max Cherry got popped.

What a Rip Off

in Hits & Misses by
“I outlived Rip Torn?
This calls for some confetti!
Wait… I’m feeling an odd, twitching”
sensation coming on.”

Rip Taylor
Comedian, actor, fruitcake.
January 13, 1935 – October 6, 2019.
Age 84 years.

Most recognized for: The absurdly flamboyant Mr. Taylor wielded a special brand of self-deprecating humor whilst fanning himself with his toupee and throwing confetti everywhere. Since the 1960’s, he’s made random appearances everywhere from “The Ed Sullivan Show” to “Jackass” and even grand marshalled a pride parade or two. But complications stemming from a nasty seizure let the reaper claim 2 Rips in 1 trip around the sun.

Creamed

in Hits & Misses by
“What?
Jack Bruce can’t find
his prized giant poodles?
I can’t imagine where
they might be.”
 
 

Ginger Baker
Musician, misanthrope, maniac.
August 19, 1939 – October 6, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Dubbed “rock’s first superstar drummer,” Mr. Baker was not only known for his thundering, africanized rhythms, but also for his wildly erratic behavior. With a hair-trigger temper and an appetite for heroin and cigarettes that made Keith Richards look like a yoga instructor, Ginger’s survival into his 80’s only served as a fresh loogie spat upon the face of mother nature.  Finally, she can wipe it off.

Selected by: Nobe & S.B. Tattooed

Muff Takes a Dive

in Hits & Misses by
“Thank you, goodnight!
Sh!t. The sun’s still out.
Good afternoon!

Kim Shattuck
Singer, songwriter, punk chick.
July 17, 1963 – October 2, 2019.
Aged 56 years.

Most recognized for: She was the singer/guitar player for the 1990’s punk trio The Muffs. Her sassy rasp frequently made guest vocal appearances on other punkers’ tracks, including NOFX & Bowling for Soup. But when the 90’s ended, so did most of her genre’s retro-college novelty. She subbed for the absent Kim Deal on a 2013 Pixies tour, but then quietly – under a rock somewhere – she succumbed to ALS .

No Way, No Way

in Hits & Misses by
“Do you people have any idea
how hard it is to
NOT get salsa on this outfit
before a show?”
 

José José
Singer, actor, beanbag.
February 17, 1948 – September 28, 2019.
Aged 71 years.

Most recognized for: Born José Rómulo Sosa Ortiz, he was kinda/sorta the Neil Diamond of Mexico. Known for his tear-jerking ballads about love, loss, and tacos, José held a special place in the hearts of latinos all over the globe. But fame has a nasty way of exacting it’s vengeance upon a man’s constitution… especially his liver. After years of various health struggles, the old balladeer finally went belly up.

Selected by: Abra Cadaver

No Mercy

in Hits & Misses by
“In 35 years,
all I’ll be known for
is this stupid fukking karate movie?
I oughtta kick your ass
for that.”

Rob Garrison
Actor, West Virginian, 80’s catch-phrase.
January 23, 1960 – September 27, 2019.
Aged 59 years.

Most recognized for: From his short list of 80’s film & TV appearances, he’ll eternally be known as Tommy… the Cobra Kai who shouted “Get him a body bag!” in 1984’s “The Karate Kid.” He reprised the role twice in his career:  once in a music video directed by Johnny (Billy Zabka,) that reunited the entire gang with their sensei… and again on season 2 of the YouTube Premium series “Cobra Kai.” Then, Rob’s sudden kidney and liver failure crane-kicked any chance of a season 3 appearance.

Frenchman Surrenders

in Hits & Misses by
“Rrrrrrrrrr….
rrribbet!”
 

Jacque Chirac
Ex-Head of State, career politician, frog.
29 November 1932 – 26 September 2019.
Aged 86 years.

Most recognized for: He served as mayor of Paris for almost 20 years and was subsequently elected President of France in 1995… an office he held for 12 years. In the wake of 9/11, George Dub’ya’s trigger-finger was itching to teach somebody (anybody) a lesson in respect… but Jack was the most adamant non-supporter of the war on terror… leading to menu changes at greasy spoons throughout the US.

Captain’s Call

in Hits & Misses by
“So you say you’re
Afraid of clowns?
I can’t imagine why.”
 

Sid Haig
Actor, hypnotherapist, clown.
July 14, 1939 – September 21, 2019.
Aged 80 years.

Most recognized for: Sid had given up on acting. After 3 decades in the biz, he’d become bored with being typecast as the B-movie bad guy… going so far as to turn down the role of Marsellus Wallace in “Pulp Fiction.” But Rob Zombie resurrected Mr. Haig to play Captain Spaulding in 2003’s “House of 1000 Corpses”… elevating him from B to B+ status and granting him cult fandom in the world of deliberately sh!tty horror films.

Vacancy

in Hits & Misses by
“So I figured…
why not do something good
with my ridiculous wealth?
My idiot grandkids are just
gonna waste it on
booze & blow anyway.”

Barron Hilton
Hotelier, philanthropist, rich grandpa.
October 23, 1927 – September 19, 2019.
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: Barron founded the American Football League (AFL) and was the original owner of the Los Angeles Chargers, but his legacy would be the family business: Hilton Hotels… for which he served as chairman & CEO. After his father’s death, he handed a large portion of his birthright over to a charity – The Conrad N. Hilton Foundation – which was dedicated to easing the suffering of the poor, the sick, catholic nuns, and various other lost causes.

Out for Kicks

in Hits & Misses by
“The officials missed me
blasting that dude
in the face?
Kewl.”
 

Fernando Ricksen
Footballer, Dutchman, hothead.
July 27, 1976 – September 18, 2019.
Aged 43 years.

Most recognized for: A star midfielder who commanded multi-million dollar contracts, Fernando definitely liked to kick up some sh!t from time to time. With brawls, bans, & suspensions on-field and frequent arrests for alcohol-fueled stupidity off-field, he regularly made the papers… regardless of wether he played or not. Then along came ALS… which ended the antics and sidelined him for good.

Selected by: Abra Cadaver

Cokie Croaks

in Hits & Misses by
“Seriously?
You haven’t noticed that odor?
I don’t know about you,
but I definitely smell bullsh!t.
Wait…
It’s not me, is it?”
 
 

Cokie Roberts
Journalist, author, mouthpiece?
December 27, 1943 – September 17, 2019.
Aged 75 years.

Most recognized for: Ms. Roberts was a political and public affairs news correspondent for 40+ years and won multiple awards for excellence in journalism. However, she was born into a family steeped in the brine of politics… with congressional parents and an older brother in charge of one of the world’s most powerful lobbyist law firms. Examples of odd coincidences between her reporting and what her brother’s firm was spinning to the world made for interesting reading… until they were removed from Wikipedia a few hours ago.

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