Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

So Let It Be Done

in Hits & Misses by
“What’s that I hear?
A collective groan?…
from all the deadpoolers who
took me off their lists this year?
Oh, it feels so good
to be missed.”

Hosni Mubarak
Ex-head of State, pilot, Panama Paperboy.
May 4, 1928 – February 25, 2020.
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: Just after Anwar Sadat was assassinated, Mr. Mubarak became the 4th president of Egypt in 1981.  Referred to as “The Last Pharaoh,” he amassed staggering wealth through various military contracts. But when Arab Spring demonstrations turned bloody 30 years later, he stepped down… only to be imprisoned on charges of corruption and abuse of power. Hosni was acquitted upon appeal in 2017, but the catalog of medical problems he’d developed in the slammer never really let him off the hook.

Popped, Smoked

in Hits & Misses by
“What’s in my wallet?
Here’s my Capital one Card…
and my capital Two Card.”

Bashar Jackson AKA Pop Smoke
Rapper, songwriter, smart guy.
July 20, 1999 – February 19, 2020.
Aged 20 years.

Most recognized for: Less than a year after the success of his breakout single “Welcome to the Party” (featuring Miki Minaj,) Pop was rollin through the Hollywood Hills, posting photos of himself on social media… wherein he & a fellow rocket scientist were seen holding large stacks of cash. Hours later, he was shot dead in a home invasion robbery. What a fukking shocker, right?

Movin’ On Down

in Hits & Misses by
“With the exception of
this wig and the fake orchid,
I like to keep it real.”
 

Ja’Net DuBois
Actress, singer, gossip queen.
August 5, 1945 – February 18, 2020.
Aged 74 years.

Most recognized for: Ja’Net’s resume of TV & film roles was nothing to sneeze at… even in spite of its lack of diversity. Her longest run was as the Evans’ sassy neighbor Willona on “Good Times.” She also wrote/sang “The Jeffersons” theme song and won Emmys for her voice work on Eddie Murphy’s “The PJs.” But as sure as fish don’t fry in the kitchen and beans don’t burn on the grill, Ms. Bubois will not be attending this year’s Image Awards.

In Solitary Confinement

in Hits & Misses by
“Strip, blindfold, und spanken
all of ze female prisoners?
Yes, mein führer.”
 
 

Dyanne Thorne
Actress, model, D-cup.
October 14, 1936 – January 28, 2020.
Aged 83 years.

Most recognized for: Dyanne and her undeniable coconuts squeezed in & out of a Nazi officer’s uniform for the 1975 sexploitation classic “Ilsa, She-wolf of the SS.” Its bizarre amalgam of history, horror, prison, and porno developed into a franchise for Ms. Thorne… as she reprised the role 3 more times in “Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Shieks,” “Ilsa, the Tigress of Siberia,” and “Ilsa, the Wicked Warden.” Then came “Ilsa, Patient of the Pancreatic Cancer.”

It’s About Goddamned Time

in Hits & Misses by
“Seriously?
You trolls waited until now
to drag Natalie Wood’s
skeleton out of the closet?”

Kirk Douglas
Actor, producer, fossil.
December 9, 1916 – February 5, 2020.
Aged 103 years.

Most recognized for: As a leading man in the golden age of Hollywood, he starred in “Paths of Glory” and “Spartacus.” In 1996, he suffered a debilitating stroke, but managed to hang on for another 24 years… just long enough to get dragged into the “Me Too” issue by faceless online advocates of Natalie Wood.

Selected by: Dr. Death, Pretty Kitty, Clover All Over, BGG, Abra Cadaver, Mnob, & Hoh

Out of Africa

in Hits & Misses by
“Hear ye, hear ye…
If you ain’t got some sort of a pimp cane,
you ain’t runnin’ sh!t ’round here!

Daniel Arap Moi
Ex-head of State, politician, goldbricker.
September 2, 1924 – February 4, 2020.
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: After serving as VP under Kenya’s first president, he was elected as successor in 1978… and served as president until 2002. In spite of his involvement in bribery, fraud, and various international scandals, he was somehow still revered as a consummate politician. But no matter how dirty he was back then, nobody can deny smell he’s giving off now.

Selected by: Raspus

Conformed

in Hits & Misses by
“Maybe a little hairspray
wouldn’t be such a bad idea.”

Reed Mullin
Drummer, thrasher, drunk.
February 12, 1966 – January 27, 2020.
Aged 53 years.

Most recognized for: As founding drummer of Corrosion of Conformity, he laid down thunderous rhythms with wicked fills.. as showcased in their 1991 punk/thrash crossover masterpiece “Blind.” In total, he played on 9 COC albums, but periodically dropped out of touring due to alcohol-related seizures… which presumably had a hand in his untimely retirement.

Blown Gasket

in Hits & Misses by
“When I told my gastroenterologist
that I drove a Ford for a living,
he laughed and said ‘me too…
except mine’s a Brown Probe'”
 

John Andretti
NASCAR driver, IRL driver, NHRA driver.
March 12, 1963 – January 30, 2020.
Aged 56 years.

Most recognized for: John comes from a large family of race-car driving greaseballs… with the most notable being his uncle Mario. In 1994, he became the first driver to race both the Indy 500 and NASCAR’s Coca-Cola 600 in the same day. In 2017, he had reportedly beaten stage 4 colon cancer… only to have it come back to bite him in the ass a few years later.

Selected by: Abra Cadaver, Raspus, & Tote Menschen

End of an End

in Hits & Misses by
“No matter what happens out there,
don’t go puttin’ me on no
goddamned helicopter,
you hear?”

Chris Doleman
NFL Defensive End, HOF’er, sack man
October 16, 1961 – January 28, 2020.
Aged 58 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Doleman was the 4th overall pick in 1985’s NFL draft, signing with the Minnesota Vikings… with whom he spent most of his playing career. In 1989 alone, he racked up 21 sacks… and retired 5th in football history with over 150 total. Then, after a 2 year struggle, the Hall of Famer done got chop blocked by glioblastoma.

Selected by: Clover All Over Me

Black Cock Down

in Hits & Misses by
“Man. I just love getting trophies.
You don’t have one of these, do you Kareem?
Didn’t think so.”
 

Kobe Bryant
NBA star, Oscar winner, Mamba.
August 23, 1978 – January 26, 2020.
Aged 41 years.

Most recognized for: Wait.. “Oscar winner?!” That’s right. While ‘woke‘ Hollywood was shaming Kevin Hart into the shadows for making a few gay jokes a decade ago, they were handing Rapey McLakerfukk an Academy Award for Best Animated Short. But as surely as you’ve heard the name of basketball legend Kobe Bryant, you’ve also heard by now the name of a certain little town in California: Calabasas.

Zero Hour

in Hits & Misses by
“This just in:
I’m dead.
Here’s Tom with the weather.”

Jim Lehrer
Journalist, news anchor, bus nerd.
May 19, 1934 – January 23, 2020.
Aged 85 years.

Most recognized for:  After gaining notoriety for coverage of the Watergate tape hearings, Jim became a fixture of PBS news for 30+ years. From there, he became half of “The MacNeil/Lehrer NewsHour,” moderated 12 presidential debates over 4 decades, & won several broadcasting awards. Then, as many newshounds in his age demographic tend to do, he went from the headlines to the obits.

Good Knight

in Hits & Misses by
“First hit of the year?
Me??
I’m speechless.”

Terry Jones
Actor, comedian, Python.
February 1, 1942 – January 21, 2020.
Aged 77 years.

Most recognized for:  Mr. Jones was arguably the biggest brain behind Monty Python’s bizarre and innovative brand of sketch comedy. He appeared in & directed all of the troupe’s feature films, including the infamous “Monty Python & The Holy Grail.” But after a lengthy struggle with a form of dementia, he lost his ability to speak… and eventually, to breathe.

Selected by: Tote Menschen

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