Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

This is the End

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

My fellow ghouls:

It has been my distinct honor to inform, entertain, annoy, and disgust you all over these past 6 years, but the time has finally come. I quit.

‘Fun’ and ‘responsibility’: two things that go together like ice skating and cerebral palsy. This site was originally a pet project… a much needed escape from – what was at the time – a soul-crushing office job. Dodging my work duties to scour the internet for bad news and typing up insulting obits was a pleasure. It still is… but things have changed and I can’t dodge the work anymore. And frankly, I have other priorities that – sorry to say – eclipse my interest in entertaining you sick bozos (with all due respect). The result is a feeling that this whole thing is getting short-changed because of the lack of time I have to devote to it. So… this decision hasn’t been an easy one, but good ol’ Der Kommissar is hanging up his deadpooling spurs indefinitely. ‘Responsibility’ is a real bitch. And ‘Fun’?… well, he’s gotta take the train this time.

Current 2022 players may receive a direct communication from Dr. Death regarding the future of the pool… mainly to gauge interest and viability of a 2023 round. So if you’ve prepped a list and wanna play, be on the lookout for that email and let the doctor know how you feel. Or hell… start your own pool. And if you do, be sure to let me know… I might even submit a list. Beyond that, I offer a quick clap-clap & a wave of the hands… cuz it’s a dealer change & I’m out.

Thank you all for your support, attention, disdain, or whatever. Thanks to the DRCDP players, the Twitter followers, and anyone who has expressed appreciation for The Dead Reckoner’s brand of brief, irreverent humor.

With Sympathy,

-Der Kommissar

Less than Fascinating

in Hits & Misses by
“Am I saying it wight?
‘Wubba baby
buggy bumpas
Why awe you laughing?”

Barbara Walters
Journalist, Emmy winner, jew.
September 25, 1929–December 30, 2022.
Aged 93 years.

Most recognized for: Grab a life jacket, everyone. The flood is coming. A flood of crocodile tears and self-serving sentiments from every corporate news douche cannon she ever shared a set with and every camera-hungry jackass she ever interviewed. You’ll hear the word “pioneer” 1000 times an hour. And then those clucking hens on “The View” are going to come unhinged. It’s going to be biblical.

Selected by: Goble & J-Ro

King Sh!t

in Hits & Misses by
“This ball…
This Pelé’s ball.
Pelé love ball.
Love ball.”

Soccer god, actor, boner pill shill.
23 October 1940 – 29 December 2022
Aged 82 years.

Most recognized for: One of sports’ truly global superstars, he held a seemingly endless list of records and accolades related to the 3rd world’s pastime of choice. During his career, the mononymous Brazilian was also known as “The Black Pearl”, “The Greatest”, “The King of Football” or simply “The King.” After soccer, he became an “ambassador” for just about anything you can think of… including colon cancer.

Selected by: Schlitz, A.Cadaver, T.Menschen

Threw In the Towel

in Hits & Misses by
“Does anybody else smell
eggplant parmesan?

Or is it just me?”

Franco Harris
NFL RB, Steeler, mulatto.
March 7, 1950 – December 20, 2022.
Aged 72 years.

Most recognized for: Aside from being the guy that caught “The Immaculate Reception,” Franco was no slouch in the world of football. 9 Pro Bowls, 8 1000-yard seasons, NFL Man of the Year (’76), Rookie of the Year (’72), and 4 Super Bowl rings. He was also the first African American as well as the first Italian American to be named Super Bowl MVP. But less than a week from when he’d see his jersey retired at an Xmas Eve halftime ceremony, Franco opted to ride the pine. The pine box, that is.

Look Who’s Not Talking

in Hits & Misses by
“Jenny Craig?
Not exactly.
I’m currently on the
Pablo Escobar diet.”

Kirstie Alley
Actress, Scientologist, Frozen Foodie.
January 12, 1951 – December 5, 2022.
Aged 71 years.

Most recognized for: Much like her weight, Kirstie’s career had its ups & downs. She went from mourning Spock in “Wrath of Kahn” to getting greased by Gene Simmons in “Runaway.” From award-winning prime-time TV to dogsh!t talking-baby movies with Travolta. From “Drop Dead Gorgeous” to “Fat Actress.” The roller coaster eventually jumped the track… by crashing through a crowd of celeb-reality and celeb-competition shows… and grinding to a halt shortly after “The Masked Singer.”

The Short List – Nov ’22

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

November 1, 2022
  • Max Maven – Aged 71 years. Acclaimed magician and influential mentalist.
  • Romano Mazzoli – Aged 89 years. Kentucky congressman and pro-life Democrat.
  • Norman D. Shumway – Aged 88 years. Republican, Mormon, Japanophile, and 6-term California congressman.
  • Takeoff – Aged 28 years. Another bullet-riddled young rapper.
November 2, 2022
  • Francesco Tatò – Aged 90 years. Italian energy & media magnate known as “Kaiser Franz”.
November 3, 2022
  • Douglas McGrath – Aged 64 years. Screenwriter, film director, and actor who got an Oscar nod for “Bullets over Broadway.”
  • Ray Guy – Aged 72 years. Raiders’ 3X Super Bowl punter & only one ever drafted in the first round.
November 4, 2022
  • Dave Butz – Aged 72 years. 16-year Defensive tackle for the Redskins.
  • Bill Sheffield – Aged 94 years. Fifth governor of Alaska from 1982 to 1986.
November 5, 2022
  • Tame One – Aged 52 years. Rapper, member of hip-hop supergroup The Weathermen.
  • Bill Treacher – Aged 92 years. British actor mostly known for soaps.
  • Tyrone Downie – Aged 66 years. Bob Marley’s keyboard player and Grace Jones’ fukk-buddy.
November 6, 2022
  • Don Lewis – Aged 81 years. Electronic engineer and electronic music pioneer.
November 7, 2022
  • Michael Butler – Aged 95 years. Broadway producer of “Hair” dubbed “the hippie millionaire”.
  • Jeff Cook – Aged 73 years. Country musician, founding member of Alabama.
  • Leslie Phillips – Aged 98 years. English actor, director, producer and author.
November 8, 2022
  • Dan McCafferty – Aged 76 years. Singer for Scottish hard rock band Nazareth.
November 9, 2022
  • Fred Hickman – Aged 66 years. Sports broadcaster seen on CNN, TBS, and ESPN.
  • Garry Roberts – Aged 72 years. Founding guitarist for The Boomtown Rats.
November 10, 2022
  • Jack Reed – Aged 89 years. 2X World Series Outfielder for the Yankees, popularly referred to as “Mickey Mantle’s caddie.”
  • Nik Turner – Aged 82 years. Member of space rock pioneers Hawkwind.
  • Alan Park – Aged 60 years. Canadian comedian and political satirist.
November 11, 2022
  • Keith Levene – Aged 65 years. Founding member of both the Clash and Public Image Ltd (PiL).
  • John Aniston – Aged 89 years. Emmy-winning soap actor and Jennifer’s dad.
November 12, 2022
  • Gene “Cip” Cipriano – Aged 94 years. Woodwind player for session legends The Wrecking Crew.
  • Budd Friedman – Aged 90 years. American actor and comedian who founded The Improv.
  • Carroll Hubbard – Aged 85 years. Kentucky congressman embroiled in the “Rubbergate” scandal.
  • Jim Bohannon – Aged 78 years. Syndicated radio broadcaster.
November 13, 2022
  • Anthony Johnson – Aged 38 years. Top ranked American mixed martial artist nicknamed “Rumble.”
November 14, 2022
  • Jerzy Połomski – Aged 89 years. Pop singer and actor who was some kind of big deal in Poland at some point. Have a fukk?… give a fukk.
November 15, 2022
  • Veronica Hurst – Aged 91 years. British film, stage and television actress.
  • Marcus Sedgwick – Aged 54 years. Award-winning author of teen fiction.
November 16, 2022
  • Nicki Aycox – Aged 47 years. Film & TV actress with an assortment of mid-level roles.
  • Carol Leigh – Aged 71 years. “The Scarlot Harlot” credited for coining the occupational phrase “sex worker.”
  • Robert Clary – Aged 96 years. Actor who played Corporal Louis LeBeau on “Hogan’s Heroes”.
November 17, 2022
  • Ken Mansfield – Aged 85 years. Record producer who worked with The Beatles and helped popularize the Outlaw movement with Waylon Jennings.
  • B. Smyth – Aged 30 years. A young rapper who didn’t OD or get shot for doing stupid sh!t. Apparently, they exist.
November 18, 2022
  • Tommy Facenda – Aged 83 years. Rock & Roll Hall of Famer known for his 1959 single “High School U.S.A.”
November 19, 2022
  • Jason David Frank – Aged 49 years. Actor who played Tommy Oliver of “The Mighty Morphin Power Rangers.”
November 20, 2022
  • Gray Frederickson – Aged 85 years. Film producer who won an Oscar for “The Godfather Part II.”
  • Mickey Kuhn – Aged 90 years. Child actor who played Beau Wilkes in “Gone with the Wind.”
  • Michael Armand Hammer – Aged 67 years. Heir to a petrochemical corporation and father to a rumored cannibal.
  • Buster Drayton – Aged 70 years. Former IBF light-middleweight world champion.
  • Joyce Bryant – Aged 95 years. Singer, dancer, and civil rights activist dubbed “The Bronze Blond Bombshell” and “The Black Marilyn Monroe”.
November 21, 2022
  • Wilko Johnson – Aged 75 years. Guitar player for 70’s rockers Dr. Feelgood and mute executioner on “Game of Thrones.”
November 22, 2022
  • John Y. Brown Jr. – Aged 88 years. Kentucky Governor who turned KFC into a multimillion-dollar restaurant chain.
November 23, 2022
  • Nobody terribly important.
November 24, 2022
  • Börje Salming – Aged 71 years. First European player inducted into the Hockey Hall of Fame.
November 25, 2022
  • Irene Cara – Aged 63 years. Actress and singer of “Fame” and “Flashdance…. What a Feeling.”
November 26, 2022
  • Albert Pyun – Aged 69 years. Director of low-budget B-movies and direct-to-video action films, including the 1990 version of “Captain America.”
  • Freddie Roman – Aged 85 years. Jewish stand-up comedian best known for his frequent appearances at “Borscht Belt” hotels.
November 27, 2022
  • James Wright – Aged 94 years. Australian media personality known as “The Merry Medic.”
November 28, 2022
  • Clarence Gilyard – Aged 66 years. Actor who played Sundown in “Top Gun” and vault hacker Theo in “Die Hard.”
  • Donald McEachin – Aged 61 years. Virginia congressman and Ashley Madison user.
November 29, 2022
  • Aline Kominsky-Crumb – Aged 74 years. American underground comics artist and Robert Crumb’s widow.
November 30, 2022
  • Christine McVie – Aged 79 years. Singer, songwriter, and keyboardist for Fleetwood Mac.
  • John Hadl – Aged 82 years. 2X pro-bowl QB for the Chargers & the Rams.
  • Jiang Zemin – Aged 96 years. 5th President of the People’s Republic of China.




Dropped the Hammer

in Hits & Misses by
“You’ve gotta learn to read a room with this act. What plays well in Vegas could easily get you killed in Detroit.”

Leo Gallagher
Prop comic, actor, melon head.
July 24, 1946 – November 11, 2022.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: A staple of 80’s cable TV comedy, Gallagher built an entire career out of a single bit. Audiences would sit through hours of mediocre prop and observational comedy just to get “the good part”… where Leo would smash watermelons with an oversized hammer he called the “Sledge-O-Matic.” The routine was so simple, his near-twin brother even took the show out on the road for a while… until he sued his sibling for ripping off his signature shtick.

Bath and Beyond

in Hits & Misses by
“Whenever I start to question wether
the price of fame was worth it, I swallow
a handful of pills, put on my mee-maw’s jewelry,
pull out my junk, and take a selfie in the sh!tter.
And I think… Fukk yeah, it was.”

Aaron Carter
Child star, switch hitter, walking pharmacy.
December 7, 1987 – November 5, 2022.
Aged 34 years.

Most recognized for: You may not be familiar with his… “work,” but Backstreet brother Aaron was definitely somebody. Somebody who… had a platinum record before he could drive… somebody who banged Lindsay Lohan & Hilary Duff… who loved huffing canned aerosols …. sold dick pics on OnlyFans… was knocked out by Lamar Odom… got a lot of stupid fukking tattoos… and somebody never destined to carry an AARP card.

Selected by: BGG

The Short List – Oct ’22

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

October 1, 2022
  • Antonio Inoki – Aged 79 years. 12X pro wrestling world champion and Japanese politician.
October 2, 2022
  • Sacheen Littlefeather – Aged 75 years. Native American civil rights activist who gave Brando’s Oscar “acceptance speech.”
October 3, 2022
October 4, 2022
  • Dave Dryden – Aged 81 years. Ice hockey goaltender who created and first used the modern goaltending mask.
  • Jerry Vainisi – Aged 80 years. GM & VP of the Chicago Bears when they won SB XX
October 5, 2022
  • Sara Lee – Aged 30 years. Pro wrestling chick.
October 6, 2022
  • Judy Tenuta – Aged 72 years. Accordion-playing, grammy-winning comedian known as “The Love Goddess.”
  • Jody Miller – Aged 80 years. Grammy-winning country music singer who had a hit with “Queen of the House.”
October 7, 2022
  • Austin Stoker – Aged 92 years. Trinidadian-American actor who regularly played a cop in shi++y action movies.
  • Ann Flood – Aged 89 years. Soap actress from the “golden age of television”… whatever that is.
October 8, 2022
  • Peter Tobin – Aged 76 years. Scottish serial killer.
  • Charlie Brown – Aged 80 years. Syndicated “beach music” DJ.
October 9, 2022
  • Eileen Ryan – Aged 94 years. Actress and mother of Chris & Sean Penn.
  • Dick Ellsworth – Aged 82 years. All-star pitcher for the Cubs.
  • Anita Kerr – Aged 94 years. Multiple Grammy-winning Nashville vocalist.
October 10, 2022
  • Michael Callan – Aged 86 years. Golden Globe-winning actor seen in “Gidget Goes Hawaiian” and other steaming heaps of feces.
October 11, 2022
  • Charles Sherrod – Aged 85 years. American minister and civil rights activist.
October 12, 2022
  • Lucious Jackson – Aged 80 years. NBA All-star Center for the 76’ers and the US Olympic team.
October 13, 2022
  • Bruce Sutter – Aged 69 years. 6X All-star and MLB HOF pitcher.
  • James McDivitt – Aged 93 years. Astronaut and NASA legacy pilot.
October 14, 2022
  • Ted White – Aged 96 years. Stuntman and actor who donned the hockey mask in the 4th “Friday the 13th” installment.
  • Jose Luis Rivera – Aged 62 years. Puerto Rican WWF wrestler, half of tag teams “The Shadows” and “The Conquistadores.”
  • Jan Rabson – Aged 68 years. Actor & voice talent, voice of Leisure Suit Larry and several Pixar flick characters.
October 15, 2022
  • Joyce Sims – Aged 63 years. R&B singer who had a top 10 hit with “Come Into My Life.”
October 16, 2022
October 17, 2022
October 18, 2022
  • Harvey L. Wollman – Aged 87 years. Former Governor of South Dakota.
  • Robert Gordon – Aged 75 years. Actor and rockabilly singer.
  • Charles Duncan Jr. – Aged 96 years. Jimmy Carter’s Secretary of Energy and former president of Coca-Cola.
October 19, 2022
  • Charley Trippi – Aged 100 years. Versatile RB for the Chicago Cardinals.
  • Dave Herman – Aged 81 years. Starting right guard for The Jets’ Super Bowl III winning team.
  • John Jay Osborn Jr. – Aged 77 years. Bestselling author of “The Paper Chase.”
  • Joanna Simon – Aged 85 years. Member of vocal group The Simon Sisters with siblings Carly & Lucy.
October 20, 2022
  • Lucy Simon – Aged 82 years. Carly’s other bandmate and Grammy-winning sister.
  • Ron Masak – Aged 86 years. TV actor who played the town sheriff in “Murder, She Wrote.”
  • Bettye Crutcher – Aged 83 years. Singer/songwriter whose songs get covered by far bigger names.
October 21, 2022
  • Rainer Schaller – Aged 53 years. German entrepreneur, owner of Gold’s Gym.
October 22, 2022
  • Dietrich Mateschitz – Aged 78 years. Austrian billionaire businessman, co-founder of Red Bull.
October 23, 2022
  • Walt Corey – Aged 84 years. AFL All-star linebacker and coach.
  • Don Edwards – Aged 86 years. American cowboy singer, guitarist who performs Western music.
  • Michael Kopsa – Aged 66 years. Canadian actor who voiced and appeared in several sci-fi films & TV shows
October 24, 2022
  • Ash Carter – Aged 68 years. Obama’s US Secretary of Defense.
  • Leslie Jordan – Aged 67 years. Emmy-winning TV actor seen in “Will & Grace.”
  • Ben Feigin – Aged 47 years. Emmy-winning producer of “Schitt’s Creek.”
October 25, 2022
  • Jules Bass – Aged 87 years. One half of Rankin/Bass Productions… who created the “Frosty the Snowman” and “Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer” holiday TV classics.
October 26, 2022
  • Julie Powell – Aged 49 years. Author who’s cooking book was adapted for the 2009 film “Julie & Julia”.
  • Agustín Ramírez – Aged 70 years. Mexican singer-songwriter, co-founder and frontman of Los Caminantes.
October 27, 2022
  • Geraldine Hunt – Aged 77 years. R&B singer who had a #1 dance hit in 1980 with “Can’t Fake the Feeling.”
October 28, 2022
  • D.H. Peligro – Aged 63 years. Punk drummer for The Dead Kennedys and – briefly – The Red Hot Chili Peppers.
  • Vince Dooley – Aged 90 years. Head coach of the Georgia Bulldogs for almost 25 years.
October 29, 2022
  • Robin Sylvester – Aged 72 years. Bass player for Grateful Dead side project Rat Dog
October 30, 2022
  • Mike Fanning – Aged 69 years. First-team All-American for the ’74 Irish and starting Defensive Tackle for the Rams’ Super Bowl XIV team.
October 31, 2022


Killer Be Keeled

in Hits & Misses by
“How does it feel to be an adult in
an intimate relationship
with a 13 year old?

In a word:

Jerry Lee Lewis
Rock pioneer, pianist, cousin fukker.
September 29, 1935 – October 28, 2022.
Aged 87 years.

Most recognized for: Jerry was one of rock & roll’s first superstars… and as such, set the example: wild performances, booze, drugs, guns, violence, & sex with young girls… regardless of their age or proximity in his family tree. “The Killer” – as he called himself – once shot his bass player in the chest and had 2 of his 7 battered wives die amidst fishy circumstances. But in spite of all the chaos, Jerry continued touring into his 80’s.. until – a few years after a stroke – his great balls of fire went ice cold.

Selected by: BGG & J-Ro

Nun’s Run Done

in Hits & Misses by
“My agent told me to lose some weight.
I told him he’s nuts. If I’m gonna put
some bloody food on the table,
I’ve gotta eat!”

Robbie Coltrane
Actor, comedian, saucy Scot.
March 30, 1950 – October 14, 2022.
Aged 72 years.

Most recognized for: Most folks would know him as the fat, bearded wizard from the Harry Potter movies. But Robbie was… versatile. He played a fat escaped convict hiding in a habit in “Nuns of the Run”… a fat Russian mafioso in 2 Bond flicks… the fat guy in the bathroom in “European Vacation”… and a fat criminal psychologist on the award-winning TV series “Cracker.” We’re not fat shaming here, but did any of those plus-sized roles lend a helping hand in Robbie’s longevity? Fat chance.

Finally Left Mom’s Basement

in Hits & Misses by
“When you play the lottery, sometimes you win and sometimes you lose… But’s it better than using drugs or alcohol. Because when you use drugs and alcohol, especially drugs, you always lose.”
(Actual quote)

Mike Schank
Filmmaker, musician, cautionary tale.
1966 – October 13, 2022.
Aged 56 years.

Most recognized for: As the chemically lobotomized sidekick in 1999’s cult classic documentary “American Movie,” Mike inadvertently stole every scene he was in. His tales of vodka and acid… recounted through a fog that could only be conjured by a brain cell body count in the billions… could make even the heaviest of partiers stop & think, “Wow. There but for the grace of God go I.” And although he’d supposedly cleaned himself up, the brakes clearly weren’t pumped until long after the wheels had gone over the cliff.

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