Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

Taken By Storm

in Hits & Misses by
“Ray may talk a lot of chocolate talk,
but he’s pretty vanilla below the belt,
if you catch my drift.”

Kathleen Blanco
Politician, Democrat, buck passer.
December 15, 1942 – August 18, 2019.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: Kathleen was the Governor of Louisiana at the time Hurricane Katrina hit in 2005. Along with fellow nincompoop Ray Nagin, she had a hand in bungling the timeliness of state’s disaster relief efforts… but conveniently deflected all the blowback towards Dub’ya’s buddies at FEMA.

Selected by: Raspus & Tote Menschen

Down By Contact

in Hits & Misses by
“Man…
and I thought playing for
Chicago sucked.”

Cedric Benson
NFL RB, All American, tipsy Texan.
December 28, 1982 – August 17, 2019.
Aged 36 years.

Most recognized for: Once a stud running back for the Longhorns, Cedric was drafted 4th overall by the Bears in 2005. 2 seasons later, he was busted for drunk boating… which made him ripe for a trade to the handcuff-friendly Cincinnati Bengals. A couple of assault charges and a DUI later, Ced found himself brokering mortgage loans in Austin… when his motorcycle made a fiery collision with a minivan.

On a One-way Trip

in Hits & Misses by
“I’m not sure if all the LSD we took did any permanent damage, but I’m sure that I can smell your thoughts right now.”

Peter Fonda
Actor, screenwriter, doper.
February 23, 1940 – August 16, 2019.
Aged 79 years.

Most recognized for: He became a countercultural icon after producing, co-writing, and starring in 1969’s “Easy Rider.” According to co-star Jack Nicholson, with Mr. Fonda and director Dennis Hopper they smoked more than 150 joints filming the campfire scene alone. 50 years later, Ol’ Pete succumbed to complications of lung cancer. Connection? You be the judge.

A Touch Too Much

in Hits & Misses by
“Here’s one for all you foil-hatters out there:
It wasn’t the Clintons, Trump, the Russians…
or even me paying off the guards
to simply look the other way.
It was inter-dimensional space aliens
that beamed into my cell and choked the life
out of me with their noodly appendages.
Could happen !
Think about it
!”

Jeffrey Epstein
Financier, Clintonista, pervert.
January 20, 1953 – August 10, 2019.
Aged 66 years.

Most recognized for: Jeffrey was a top-level investment consultant who specialized in ponzi schemes, currency manipulation, blackmail, and child prostitution. Friends in high places – and rumored CIA ties – kinda/sorta got him off the hook in ’07 for forcing underage girls to pleasure prominent people in his Palm Beach mansion… which was filled with hidden cameras. But it didn’t stop there… and Jefferey’s history with grossly underage girls became undeniable. While awaiting trial, he was found dead in his jail cell… giving rise to endless ridiculous conspiracy theories.

London Flogged

in Hits & Misses by
“So you wanna be a rock star?
Come play with us!
It’s a helluva lot cheaper than
one of those fantasy camps
and our drugs are better!”

Nigel Benjamin & Lizzie Grey
Musicians, glam guys, Sunset strippers.
9/12/54 – 8/2/19 & 8/13/58 – 8/4/19.
Aged 64 & 60 years.

Most recognized for: Hollywood, 1978. Lizzie and a fella named Nikki Sixx formed a glam-metal band… and soon recruited Nigel from Mott (the Hoople) to be their vocalist. They called themselves London… and soon became an incubator for hair metal stardom. A long list of ex-members went on to form some of the genre’s biggest acts (Mötley Crüe, Guns N’ Roses, Cinderella, W.A.S.P.,) but poor Nigel & Lizzie got left behind… forever.

Kingdom Come

in Hits & Misses by
“First you call wrestling fake…
and now gay?
You go too far sir.
Too far.”

Harley Race
Wrestler, promoter, royal douche.
April 11, 1943 – August 1, 2019.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: Billed under various names, he grappled with sweaty dudes for 30+ years… most notably as “The King Harley Race” during the WWF’s glory days. After defeating an opponent, manager Bobby Heenan would grab a handful of the loser’s hair and force them to bow and kneel before his highness… adding one more layer of bizarre innuendo onto the whole homoerotic circus that is professional wrestling.

Quiet as a Mouse

in Hits & Misses by
“[SNORT] . Yep! That’s me!
More chins than chinatown!”
 

Russi Taylor
Voice actor, Emmy winner, Disney diva.
May 4, 1944 – July 26, 2019.
Aged 75 years.

Most recognized for: If you watched any cartoons in the 80’s, you’ve heard her voice at some point. “Strawberry Shortcake,” “My Little Pony,” “Duck Tales,” “Muppet Babies,” “The Flintstones,” “The Smurfs”…. the list goes on. But if none of those rings a bell, she voiced Minnie Mouse for all things Disney since 1986 and 4th grade nerd Martin Prince on “The Simpsons.”

Got the Memo

in Hits & Misses by
“My lawn? Yeah. You’re on it.”

Rutger Hauer
Actor, Golden Globe winner, Dutch boy.
January 23, 1944 – July 19, 2019.
Aged 75 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Hauer was already a celebrated actor in his native Netherlands before he became memorable to US theatergoers as Roy in 1982’s “Blade Runner.” He later starred in “The Hitcher,” “Wanted: Dead or Alive,” “Sin City,” “Batman Begins,” and the awesomely sh!tty & gritty “Hobo With a Shotgun.”

Off to Nevil-neville Land

in Hits & Misses by
“Utah!
Get me two!”
 

Art Neville
Singer, songwriter, cajun casualty.
December 17, 1937 – July 22, 2019.
Aged 81 years.

Most recognized for: A pioneer in the New Orleans funk scene, he founded The Neville Sounds… which would go on to become the Neville Brothers. Sibling Aaron Neville eventually became the breakout artist of the group, eclipsing Art’s work with The Funky Meters and Slightly Stoopid. But Art never really escaped the NOLA scene… and became a permanent fixture at an undisclosed location.

Cracker Reduced to Crumbs

in Hits & Misses by
“Mic drop!
Sh!t… wrong hand.”
 

Johnny Clegg
Musician, anthropologist, slump buster.
June 7, 1953 – July 16, 2019.
Aged 66 years.

Most recognized for: Johnny’s bi-racial band Juluka really stirred the pot in the 1970s. Thier politically charged lyrics that fused Zulu & English placed them at the front & center of South Africa’s anti-apartheid movement. But John boy hadn’t charted a hit since the 80’s… that is, until pancreatic cancer came along.

Selected by: Pille & Schlitz

Torn Apart

in Hits & Misses by
“Who said ‘Rip Taylor?!
Anybody who confuses me with that confetti-throwing fruitcake gets a wrench in the face.”

Rip Torn
Actor, Oscar nominee, Patches O’Houlihan.
February 6, 1931 – July 9, 2019.
Aged 88 years.

Most recognized for: The gruff & temperamental Mr. Torn had been a serious thespian for decades… until his work on Garry Shandling’s “The Larry Sanders Show” precipitated an avalanche of comedic movie roles… including “Dodgeball,” “Freddie Got Fingered,” & the “Men in Black” series. Alas, no cause of death was released… which – for fans & curious ghouls alike – was a total rip-off.

Former Reformer

in Hits & Misses by
“I just love talkin’ to you press bozos!
I could just read you the ingredients
off the back of a soda cracker box
and y’all would lose your
goddamned minds!”
 

H. Ross Perot
Billionaire, Texan, sideshow.
June 27, 1930 – July 9, 2019.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: A quirky and cartoonish hayseed out of Texarkana, he was the most successful 3rd party candidate since Teddy Roosevelt. But before he became a sound-bite grabber’s wet dream, he made his fortune in computers… and despite having once lost $450M in a single day on the NYSE in the 70’s, he bankrolled prisoner extractions out of Iran, gave Steve Jobs $20M when he got kicked out of Apple, and purchased an original copy of the Magna Carta… when he really should’ve been funding a cure for leukemia.

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