Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

Author

Der Kommissar

Der Kommissar has 529 articles published.

Good Knight

in Hits & Misses by
“First hit of the year?
Me??
I’m speechless.”

Terry Jones
Actor, comedian, Python.
February 1, 1942 – January 21, 2020.
Aged 77 years.

Most recognized for:  Mr. Jones was arguably the biggest brain behind Monty Python’s bizarre and innovative brand of sketch comedy. He appeared in & directed all of the troupe’s feature films, including the infamous “Monty Python & The Holy Grail.” But after a lengthy struggle with a form of dementia, he lost his ability to speak… and eventually, to breathe.

Selected by: Tote Menschen

Twofer-cide

in Hits & Misses by
“We might look happy, but hey!
We’re actors!
You never know, right?”

Harry Hains & Stan Kirsch
12/4/92 – 1/7/20 & 7/15/68 – 1/11/20
TV actors, producers, quitters.
Aged 27 & 51.

Most recognized for: Harry made recent appearances in “American Horror Story” & “Sneaky Pete” while recording music under the moniker “Antiboy.” Stan popped up in an episode if “Friends” and had a regular gig on “Highlander: The Series” in the 90’s. Both dabbled in producing their own starring-role films, but only found the headlines they sought at the end of their ropes.

No Rush

in Hits & Misses by
“Mustache ride?
You know you want one, honey.
First one’s free?”
 

Neal Peart
Musician, author, Canuck.
September 12, 1952 – January 7, 2020.
Aged 67 years.

Most recognized for: Ask any serious drummer to name their idols and Mr. Peart’s name will surely come up. Unfortunately, the rest of the converstion will be that person gushing about how “you just don’t understand how good he is, man.” As primary lyricist and drummer for Canadian prog-rockers Rush, he was renowned for his technical proficiency and stamina. But when it came to glioblastoma, he just couldn’t beat it.

Buck Passed

in Hits & Misses by
“Say, Bill…
Your Salisbury steak on pumpernickel
looks delicious, but what I really
could use now is a bump.
Have you seen Chevy?”
 

Buck Henry
Actor, writer, tax man.
December 9, 1930 – January 8, 2020.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: In SNL’s early years, Buck held the record for most appearances as a host… which placed him in some of the show’s most classic sketches, such as “Lord & Lady Douchebag” and “Samurai Delicatessen.” He also wrote the screenplay for “The Graduate,” directed Warren Beatty’s “Heaven Can Wait,” and made various film appearances… including a small role as the persistent IRS agent in “Grumpy Old Men.” But after a coronary event at Sedars-Sinai, the old douchebag dried up.

Hang in There

in News & Updates by

We’re working on it, folks. Thank you to all of 2020’s players for your entries! Now, comes the work. Vetting the names, compiling the lists, building new pages, etc. As much as I tell myself that I’m going to automate more of what happens behind the scenes here on the site, programming takes time. So unfortunately, I’m still doing a lot of things the hard way. But rest assured, we have all your info & it will be posted soon.
Thanks for our patience.
-Der Kommissar

Dead End Zone

in Hits & Misses by
“That smell…
either somebody died,
or we’re downwind
from Cleveland.”
 

Sam Wyche
NFL QB, head coach, snowball hater.
January 5, 1945 – January 2, 2020.
Aged 74 years.

Most recognized for: A back-up QB for Cincy in the late 60’s, he was later hired by team founder/owner Paul Brown as head coach of the Bengals in 1984… where he gave us trick huddles, the hurry-up offense, and a Bengals Super Bowl appearance. Just months after Mr. Brown’s death, his idiot son Mike assumed control of the team & promptly fired Mr. Wyche on Christmas eve… ushering in a legacy of nepotistic mismanagement. Wait… who are we supposed to be roasting here?

Decennium In Quietus

in News & Updates by

That’s all for the last dead pool of the two-thousand teens, folks. Comparatively speaking, 2019 was a sh!t year for our CDP… with a measly 14 overall hits. But with a little help from the bonus point system, a handful of folks were still able to post some pretty respectable scores.

For a second consecutive year, one player has retained the top spot on our leaderboard. With 4 hits and 191 points, Abra Cadaver is 2019’s Dead Reckoner Celebrity Dead Pool Champion… again [cue the fanfare and confetti cannons.] May we all pause to expel a guttural groan in celebration of this glorious achievement. A prize package valued at 2 hundred & some-odd dollars is on its way… only to soon be squandered on frivolous sports betting. Rounding out the top 3 were Raspus & Schlitz, each with 4 hits and only a point difference between them (134 & 133.)

OK… fukk all those guys, let’s move on. We are currently in the Dead Zone… and will be until the 2020 season opens Tuesday night at midnight. That, of course, is the deadline for list submission. YOU MUST ENTER BY 12AM EST, 1/8/2020. Contrary to what you might read or interpret from any other communications, WE WILL NOT BE ACCEPTING LISTS ON WEDNESDAY THE 8th. You can enter as often as you like, but just be prepared to fork over 10 bucks for each list you fill out. Deadbeats will be shamed…. publicly and most viciously.

Now go tell a neighbor, co-worker, idiot in-law, etc. Surely you have some friends that share your taste for the macabre. RECRUIT, FUKKERS! I’m not gonna sit here and poor-mouth everybody about expenses & sh!t… like those crybabies at Wikipedia. This site was never going to be a moneymaker… and I knew it going in. I just want to see more lists… more action… more hits! Spread the word. Perhaps go door-to-door… like some Bizarro World Jehovah’s Witness… and ask strangers if they think Jimmy Carter has another year left in him. Just be sure to take along some bail money.

God luck and good speed.

-Der Kommissar

Dirt Nappy

in Hits & Misses by
“Say… what exactly did you mean by
all hat & no cattle? ‘”
 

Don Imus
Broadcaster, shock jock, bigot.
July 23, 1940 – December 27, 2019.
Aged 79 years.

Most recognized for: Although Don did a lot to help needy & sick kids, his commitment to noble causes has always been eclipsed by his big fat mouth. As host of “Imus in the Morning,” Don liked to provoke & annoy listeners with defamatory rants & racial slurs. His infamous reference to the Rutgers Women’s B-ball team as “nappy-headed hoes” wasn’t anywhere close to the worst of it. But now, Don’s on his best behavior… broadcasting nothing but dead air.

Old Enough

in Hits & Misses by
“Younger and sluttier?
Can do, Mr. Kubrick!”

Sue Lyon
Actress, singer, pan flash.
July 10, 1946 – December 26, 2019.
Aged 73 years.

Most recognized for: Miss Lyon’s career peaked early with her film debut as the title character in Stanley Kubrick’s “Lolita.” The performance earned her a Golden Globe for Most Promising Female Newcomer… but it was all downhill from there. Following a 10 year slide of B-movies and sh!tty TV shows, she stopped working. And nearly 40 years later, stopped breathing.

Last Lap

in Hits & Misses by
“So there’s nothing in this picture that could cause me any problems 30 years from now?
No? Then kiss away, ladies.”

Junior Johnson
NASCAR driver, team owner, shiner.
June 28, 1931 – December 20, 2019.
Aged 88 years.

Most recognized for: Junior was the wheel man for his notorious family’s bootlegging business. His skill for high speed, evasive driving landed him a legit career in professional racing, becoming one of NASCAR’s top 50 drivers of all time. After retiring from racing, he returned to the ‘shine biz, starting his own legal brand, Midnight Moon. But in the end, Junior made one last pit stop in hospice before Alzheimers black-flagged him.

Yogi Buried

in Hits & Misses by
“No Yoga…
no yoga pants.
You’re welcome, fellas.”

Ram Dass
Author, spiritualist, day-tripper.
April 6, 1931 – December 22, 2019,
Aged 88 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Dass was a psychology professor at Harvard when he met Timothy Leary… and they soon became LSD BFFs. The duo conducted extensive “research” on psychedelics, becoming countercultural gurus in the process.  Ram’s book “Be Here Now” sold over 2 million copies and is credited for popularizing yoga  & meditation in Western culture.

2019 – In Memoriam

in News & Updates by

Well… not exactly. If every other news outlet has a lame “stars we lost” montage or slideshow this time of year, then so should we, right? Not that we’re trying to keep up with the Joneses or anything. Fukk the Joneses. It just seemed like a great way to recap the year and celebrate the carcasses we’ve shredded along the way. As one would guess, our version of a tribute reel is a little south of reverential. But hey… look where we are here.

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