Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

Author

Der Kommissar

Der Kommissar has 546 articles published.

Ex Machina

in Hits & Misses by
“Before you break my balls
about working with Michael Stipe,
allow me to show you
my pool area out back.”
 

Bill Rieflin
Musician, producer, revolting cock.
Sept. 29, 1960 – March 24, 2020.
Aged 59 years.

Most recognized for: When industrial metal acts needed a percussionist who could not only program their computerized drum machines but also beat the skins live, Bill was the guy. Fortunately, his work with Ministry, KMFDM, Nine Inch Nails, The Revolting Cocks, Pigface, Swans, and King Crimson helps us to overlook those 5 R.E.M. albums he played on. We get it… one R.E.M. record probably paid more than all the work with Ministry combined…. but c’mon, man. R.E.M.?!

Picked a Fine Time to Leave

in Hits & Misses by
“Dolly says I could use an eyebrow lift.
You think I should go for it?”

Kenny Rogers
Musician, actor, chicken chucker.
August 21, 1938 – March 20, 2020.
Aged 81 years.

Most recognized for: One of the best-selling music artists of all time, Kenny charted over 120 hit singles across various music genres. The once hirsute and chubby balladeer shocked fans in the early 2000’s after a series of cosmetic surgical procedures left him nearly unrecognizable. But just as casino closures began in the wake of the CoVid-19 Pandemic, The ol’ Gambler quietly folded and cashed out.

Cold Porridge

in Hits & Misses by
“Can you show me
on this doll where
you would like me
to touch you?
Hhmmmm?”
 

Genesis Breyer P-Orridge
Musician, artist, freakshow.
February, 22 1950 – March 14, 2020.
Aged 70 years.

Most recognized for: Some folks just gotta be weird… and when weird just isn’t good enough, you get this clown. As vocalist for industrial music originators Throbbing Gristle, his performances provoked and annoyed by flaunting Satanic ideologies and a lot of gender-bending dress-up. His addiction to cosmetic surgery and eccentric “3rd gender” lifestyle left us with a treasure trove of ridiculous pictures… and a regret that we could choose only one.

Selected by: Pille

Checkmate

in Hits & Misses by
“Wait… what?
Lipton ran whores?
You’re sh!ttin’ me.”
 

Max Von Sydow
Actor, Oscar nominee, Swede.
April 10, 1929 – March 8, 2020.
Aged 90 years.

Most recognized for: Among over 100 film & TV appearances, he played Father Merrin in “The Exorcist,” Brewmaster Smith in “Strange Brew,” and Ming the Merciless in “Flash Gordon”… but is best known as the Knight who plays chess against Death in Ingmar Bergen’s classic “The Seventh Seal.” He was the first to play both Jesus (“The Greatest Story Ever Told”) and Satan (“Needful Things”) in major studio films… but now, he mostly just plays dead.

Player to Player…

in Hits & Misses by
“Do I know where
you can get some
hookers?
Oui.”
 

James Lipton
Thespian, TV personality, whoremonger.
September 19, 1926 – March 2, 2020.
Aged 93 years.

Most recognized for: As host of Bravo’s “Inside the Actor’s Studio,” James pried inside the minds Tinseltown’s biggest names with hard-hitting questions like “what turns you on?” and “what’s your favorite curse word?” But long before basic cable, Mr. Lipton claimed to be… a pimp. But his whimsical tales of running a “roaring” bordello in post-war Paris were so endearing, that ‘woke’ Hollywood liberals were able to overlook that they were being interviewed by a sex trafficker.

The Short List – Feb ’20

in Hits & Misses by

Unfortunately, banging out crude obits isn’t a paying job. Sometimes, we just don’t have the time to report on every last qualified celebrity corpse. Or possibly, there just isn’t enough available dirt on someone to throw one last shovelful in their face. But nevertheless, there are lots of people out there that would qualify as a pick that kick the bucket every day but don’t make a dent on the Dead Reckoner’s front page… until now. Each month, we’ll list the unselected celebs we either A) didn’t have time for… or B) were too boring to malign. So just in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

February 1, 2020
  • Andy Gill – Aged 64 years.
    Founding guitarist for Brit punkers Gang of Four.
February 8, 2020
  • Robert Conrad – Aged 84 years. Singer, actor, star of TV hits “Wild Wild West” and “Hawaiian Eye.”
February 9, 2020
  • Paula Kelly – Aged 76 years. Singer, dancer, & TV actress.  Emmy nominated for “Night Court.”
February 10, 2020
  • Lyle Mays – Aged 66 years. Grammy winning composer/keyboardist for The Pat Metheney Group.
February 11, 2020
  • Joseph Shabalala – Aged 78 years. Founding singer of South African choral group Ladysmith Black Mambazo.
February 12, 2020
  • Paul English – Aged 87 years. Willie Nelson’s longtime drummer and debt collector.
February 14, 2020
  • Lynn Cohen – Aged 86 years.
    Actress in the “Sex in the City” movies and “The Hunger Games: Catching Fire.”
February 15, 2020
  • Caroline Flack – Aged 40 years. Actress, TV personality, and British sexpot.
  • Tony Fernández – Aged 57 years. 5 time All-star and 4 time Golden Glove winning MLB shortstop.
February 16, 2020
  • Jason Davis – Aged 35 years. Child actor and spoiled socialite.
  • Harry Gregg – Aged 87 years. Irish footballer, team manager, and Munich air disaster survivor.
  • Kellye Nakahara – Aged 73 years. Actress. Played Nurse Kellye in 165 episodes of M*A*S*H.
  • Zoe Caldwell – Aged 86 years.
    Stage and screen actress, 4 time Tony Award winner.
February 17, 2020
  • Andrew Weatherall – Aged 56 years. English DJ, record producer, and remixer.
  • Mickey Wright – Aged 85 years.
    LPGA powerhouse and member of the World Golf Hall of Fame.
  • Charles Portis – Aged 86 years.
    Western fiction author who penned “True Grit.”
February 19, 2020
  • Henry Gray – Aged 95 years. Singer & blues pianist. Worked with Muddy Waters, Howlin’ Wolf, & the Rolling Stones.
February 22, 2020
  • B. Smith – Aged 70 years. Model, restauranteur, author, and TV personality.
  • “Mad” Mike Hughes – Aged 64 years. Daredevil, amateur rocketeer, and flat earth crackpot.
February 24, 2020
  • John “Sonny” Franzese – Aged 103 years. Old school Colombo family mobster, “Texas Chainsaw Massacre” and “Deep Throat” financier.
  • Ben Cooper – Aged 86 years. TV & film actor, worked almost exclusively in Westerns.
  • Diana Serra Cary – Aged 101 years. Silent film child star best known as “Baby Peggy”
February 25, 2020
  • David Roback – Aged 61 years.
    Guitarist, songwriter, co-founder of Mazzy Star.
  • Kazuhisa Hashimoto – Aged 61 years. Video game developer & inventor of the “Konami Code” (Up, up, down down…)
February 28, 2020
  • Joe Coulombe – Aged 89 years. American entrepreneur, founder of Trader Joe’s.

So Let It Be Done

in Hits & Misses by
“What’s that I hear?
A collective groan?…
from all the deadpoolers who
took me off their lists this year?
Oh, it feels so good
to be missed.”

Hosni Mubarak
Ex-head of State, pilot, Panama Paperboy.
May 4, 1928 – February 25, 2020.
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: Just after Anwar Sadat was assassinated, Mr. Mubarak became the 4th president of Egypt in 1981.  Referred to as “The Last Pharaoh,” he amassed staggering wealth through various military contracts. But when Arab Spring demonstrations turned bloody 30 years later, he stepped down… only to be imprisoned on charges of corruption and abuse of power. Hosni was acquitted upon appeal in 2017, but the catalog of medical problems he’d developed in the slammer never really let him off the hook.

Popped, Smoked

in Hits & Misses by
“What’s in my wallet?
Here’s my Capital one Card…
and my capital Two Card.”

Bashar Jackson AKA Pop Smoke
Rapper, songwriter, smart guy.
July 20, 1999 – February 19, 2020.
Aged 20 years.

Most recognized for: Less than a year after the success of his breakout single “Welcome to the Party” (featuring Miki Minaj,) Pop was rollin through the Hollywood Hills, posting photos of himself on social media… wherein he & a fellow rocket scientist were seen holding large stacks of cash. Hours later, he was shot dead in a home invasion robbery. What a fukking shocker, right?

Movin’ On Down

in Hits & Misses by
“With the exception of
this wig and the fake orchid,
I like to keep it real.”
 

Ja’Net DuBois
Actress, singer, gossip queen.
August 5, 1945 – February 18, 2020.
Aged 74 years.

Most recognized for: Ja’Net’s resume of TV & film roles was nothing to sneeze at… even in spite of its lack of diversity. Her longest run was as the Evans’ sassy neighbor Willona on “Good Times.” She also wrote/sang “The Jeffersons” theme song and won Emmys for her voice work on Eddie Murphy’s “The PJs.” But as sure as fish don’t fry in the kitchen and beans don’t burn on the grill, Ms. Bubois will not be attending this year’s Image Awards.

In Solitary Confinement

in Hits & Misses by
“Strip, blindfold, und spanken
all of ze female prisoners?
Yes, mein führer.”
 
 

Dyanne Thorne
Actress, model, D-cup.
October 14, 1936 – January 28, 2020.
Aged 83 years.

Most recognized for: Dyanne and her undeniable coconuts squeezed in & out of a Nazi officer’s uniform for the 1975 sexploitation classic “Ilsa, She-wolf of the SS.” Its bizarre amalgam of history, horror, prison, and porno developed into a franchise for Ms. Thorne… as she reprised the role 3 more times in “Ilsa, Harem Keeper of the Oil Shieks,” “Ilsa, the Tigress of Siberia,” and “Ilsa, the Wicked Warden.” Then came “Ilsa, Patient of the Pancreatic Cancer.”

It’s About Goddamned Time

in Hits & Misses by
“Seriously?
You trolls waited until now
to drag Natalie Wood’s
skeleton out of the closet?”

Kirk Douglas
Actor, producer, fossil.
December 9, 1916 – February 5, 2020.
Aged 103 years.

Most recognized for: As a leading man in the golden age of Hollywood, he starred in “Paths of Glory” and “Spartacus.” In 1996, he suffered a debilitating stroke, but managed to hang on for another 24 years… just long enough to get dragged into the “Me Too” issue by faceless online advocates of Natalie Wood.

Selected by: Dr. Death, Pretty Kitty, Clover All Over, BGG, Abra Cadaver, Mnob, & Hoh

Out of Africa

in Hits & Misses by
“Hear ye, hear ye…
If you ain’t got some sort of a pimp cane,
you ain’t runnin’ sh!t ’round here!

Daniel Arap Moi
Ex-head of State, politician, goldbricker.
September 2, 1924 – February 4, 2020.
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: After serving as VP under Kenya’s first president, he was elected as successor in 1978… and served as president until 2002. In spite of his involvement in bribery, fraud, and various international scandals, he was somehow still revered as a consummate politician. But no matter how dirty he was back then, nobody can deny smell he’s giving off now.

Selected by: Raspus

1 2 3 46
Go to Top