Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Der Kommissar - page 3

Der Kommissar has 756 articles published.

Black Hole Collapses

in Hits & Misses by
“I’m receiving a faint signal from someone claiming to be a dragon. It’s breaking up… but he keeps saying the Captain is some kind of lover. A… something… lover.”

Nichelle Nichols
Actress, singer, space case.
December 28, 1932 – July 30, 2022.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: Often (erroneously) cited as the first interracial kiss on scripted television, Nichelle’s character Lt. Uhura got a little Captain on her in a 1968 episode of “Star Trek”… not because Kirk wanted to make out with the ship’s switchboard operator, but because he was forced by some form of alien mind control… which makes much more sense. Everybody knew Kirk preferred those green broads anyway.

Beaver Leaver

in Hits & Misses by
“For the last time, motherfukker,
my name’s not Wally. It’s Tony.
And the last time I saw a beaver was in
you momma’s bedroom last night.”

Tony Dow
Actor, director, goody two-shoes.
April 13, 1945 – July 27, 2022.
Aged 77 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Dow has always been a bit of a rarity. On-screen he was Wally Cleaver – the polite, intelligent, responsible, and yet somehow popular teenager. Off-screen he was the 60’s child star who wasn’t tragically addicted to drugs, booze, and publicity. Post-Beaver, he landed various gigs on legit TV shows… as opposed to becoming a jizz biz novelty act. Although he’s no Ron Howard, for a 50’s child star, he turned out OK. But, mysteriously, his liver did not.

Another Paul Bearer

in Hits & Misses by
“Alright, Mr. Reaper.
Whatever DeNiro is paying you,
I’ll double it right now.”

Paul Sorvino
Actor, artist, Goodfella.
April 13, 1939 – July 25, 2022.
Aged 83 years.

Most recognized for: Hollywood mafiosos are quickly becoming a hotter deadpool commodity than wrestlers or rappers. A few weeks ago, it was Paulie Walnuts from “The Sopranos.” And now, Mr. Sorvino… whose “Goodfellas” character Paulie Cicero (based on real life Capo Paul Vario) encouraged us all to “just stay away from the garbage.” But if the angel of death insists on collecting another Paulie, might we suggest he lay off the guidos and go for Mr. Shore?

Can’t Catch Me

in Hits & Misses by
“It’s just a milk mustache, dahling.
Don’t be disgusting. I’m not that kinda girl.
Unless…”

Ivana Trump
Model, author, professional divorcee.
February 20, 1949 – July 14, 2022
Aged 73 years.

Most recognized for: Born & raised in Soviet-controlled Czechoslovakia, Ivana first married a ski instructor just for an Austrian passport. Her 2nd divorce granted her fame, fortune, and the Trump surname. Ex-spouse #3 was sued for $15M and the on/off drama of #4 gave her the tabloid attention she desperately craved. But after swearing off marriage & attachments, the idea of “standing on her own two feet” didn’t quite work out as she’d planned.

Last Call

in Hits & Misses by
“What’ll it be? Wellers? Red or green label?
Me… I prefer green. Speaking of green,
you wanna hear me rant about climate change?”

Joe Turkel
Actor, WWII vet, lefty.
July 15, 1927 – June 27, 2022.
Aged 94 years.

Most recognized for: According to Jack Torrence, he was “the best god-damn bartender from Timbuktu to Portland, Maine – or Portland, Oregon for that matter.” At least, that was his ghostly character in Stanley Kubrick’s “The Shining.” In real life, Joe’s used his cult cinema status to grab the mic & give pep talks at Occupy Seattle rallies. But since his liver gave up, the only thing he’s occupying now is a burial vault.

Pasta Way

in Hits & Misses by
“Just because I get my hair & makeup done
on set everyday, that doesn’t mean
I enjoy that type of thing.
I ain’t no finook, understand me?!”

Tony Sirico
Actor, felon, greaseball.
July 29, 1942 – July 8, 2022.
Aged 79 years.

Most recognized for: Once a real-life pistol-packin’ goombah from Brooklyn, Tony decided to try acting after a 20 month stretch in Sing Sing. He took the part of Paulie Walnuts in “The Sopranos” on the condition that his character would never “become a rat.” Unfortunately, Mr. Sirico’s passing adds to a growing cluster of recently deceased Hollywood wiseguys… including Ray Liotta & James Caan… which begs the question: Can somebody go check on Joe Pesci? Please?

Departly Sonny

in Hits & Misses by
“I cried once… from this eye here.
It was when they told me that I had to
kiss Barbara Streisand on camera.
I still have nightmares.”

James Caan
Actor, elf dad, Corleone.
March 26, 1940 – July 6, 2022.
Aged 82 years.

Most recognized for: With roles in too many great films to list, we’ll just focus on one: The Godfather. Oh Sonny… you lecherous hothead. How could you fall for that little farce Carlo played with Rocky Balboa’s wife? I mean your mouthy sister… whatever. But it wasn’t an ill-fated tollbooth stop that got ol’ Santino this time. Though I’m sure the Caans know the cause, they’re keeping it personal, not business… drawing a collective rebuke from the celebrity dead pool world.

Bowed Out

in Hits & Misses by
“So that’s where that dropped piece
of sashimi went. I’ve been walking
around with tuna foot since lunch.”

Shinzo Abe
Ex-Jap PM, rich kid, Trumpster.
September 21, 1954 – July 8, 2022.
Aged 67 years.

Most recognized for: Shinzo was Japan’s longest-serving prime minister. Whenever confronted about the Japanese Imperial Amy’s practice of sexual slavery in WWII occupied territories, his unwavering response of “oh, you mean comfort girls? Yeah… never happened” was always a crowdpleaser. Surprisingly, that had nothing to do with why he was assassinated while campaigning for a 3rd term.

The Short List – June ’22

in Hits & Misses by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

June 1, 2022
  • Barry Sussman – Aged 87 years. WAPO editor who helped break the Watergate story.
June 2, 2022
  • Hal Bynum – Aged 87 years. Award-winning outlaw country songwriter.
June 3, 2022
  • Larry Hillman – Aged 85 years. Canadian defenceman & coach whose name was engraved on the Stanley Cup 6 times.
  • Ken Kelly – Aged 76 years. Artist whose work was often featured on heavy metal album covers.
  • John Porter – Aged 87 years. 21 year Illinois congressman.
  • Ann Turner Cook – Aged 95 years. The kid seen on Gerber baby food packaging since 1931.
June 4, 2022
  • John Cooksey – Aged 80 years. Louisiana eye doctor turned congressman.
June 5, 2022
  • Trouble – Aged 34 years. Another stupid dead rapper.
June 6, 2022
  • Jim Seals – Aged 80 years. The Seals of 70’s soft rockers Seals & Crofts.
  • Eric Nesterenko – Aged 88 years. NHL All-star Center who appeared in “Youngblood.”
  • Brother Jed – Aged 79 years. Confrontational evangelist.
June 7, 2022
June 8, 2022
  • Rocky Freitas – Aged 76 years. Pro-bowl offensive tackle for the Lions.
June 9, 2022
  • Julee Cruise – Aged 65 years. Singer/actress seen in all the Twin Peaks stuff.
  • Don Perkins – Aged 84 years. 3X All-Pro and 6X Pro Bowl NFL fullback.
  • Matt Zimmerman – Aged 87 years. Canadian actor who voiced Alan Tracy on “Thunderbirds.”
June 10, 2022
  • Baxter Black – Aged 77 years. Writer and radio personality whose whole life revolved around being a cowboy.
June 11, 2022
  • George Weyerhaeuser – Aged 95 years. Kidnapped victim at the center of an FBI investigation in the 30’s.
June 12, 2022
June 13, 2022
  • Carlos Ortiz – Aged 85 years. Int’l Boxing Hall of Famer who held world titles at 2 weight classes.
June 14, 2022
  • Ondrej Rigo – Aged 66 years. Slovak serial killer and necrophiliac.
June 15, 2022
  • Maureen Arthur – Aged 88 years. American film, television, and stage actress.
June 16, 2022
  • Mike Pratt – Aged 73 years. NCAA Basketball head coach turned sportscaster.
June 17, 2022
  • Jean-Louis Trintignant – Aged 91 years. Award-winning french actor known by cinephiles for his work in “Z.”
June 18, 2022
  • Mark Shields – Aged 85 years. DNC fanboy who regularly appeared on PBS & CNN panel shows that nobody really watched.
June 19, 2022
  • Brett Tuggle – Aged 70 years. Keyboardist for Fleetwood Mac and David Lee Roth.
  • Tim White – Aged 68 years. WWE referee whose Hell in a Cell appearance became the impetus for the bizarre Lunchtime Suicide storyline.
June 20, 2022
  • Caleb Swanigan – Aged 25 years. Power forward for the Portland Trailblazers.
June 21, 2022
  • James Rado – Aged 90 years. Grammy-winning musician behind the catchy tunes of “Hair.”
  • Dragan Tomić – Aged 86 years. Former president of Serbia and accessory to genocide.
June 22, 2022
  • Bruton Smith – Aged 95 years. Billionaire NASCAR track owner.
June 23, 2022
  • Bernard Belle – Aged 57 years. R&B songwriter & producer who created hits for Michael Jackson, Bobby Brown, & Patti LaBelle.
June 24, 2022
June 25, 2022
  • Sam Gilliam – Aged 88 years. American abstract artist.
June 26, 2022
  • Mary Mara – Aged 61 years. Actress seen mostly on primetime TV dramas like ER, Law & Order, & Nash bridges.
June 27, 2022
  • Marlin Briscoe – Aged 76 years. Pro football’s first starting Quarterblack.
June 28, 2022
June 29, 2022
  • Sonny Barger – Aged 83 years. Outlaw biker, author, co-founder of The Hell’s Angels.
  • Jim Pappin – Aged 82 years. 2x Stanley Cup winning Maple Leaf.
June 30, 2022
  • Vladimir Zelenko – Aged 48 years. Dubious physician who concocted the Trump-touted “Zelenko Protocol.”

 

 

 

Nevermore

in Hits & Misses by
“Ok. So I signed your fukken program.
Now where’s that free meatball sub
we talked about?”

Tony Siragusa
NFL player, TV personality, fat guy.
May 14, 1967 – June 22, 2022.
Aged 55 years.

Most recognized for: Tony helped lead the Ravens to their 1st Super Bowl… mainly by illegally body slamming Rich Gannon in the AFC title game. After hanging up his pads, he did some sideline reporting, hosted TV’s “Man Caves,” and totally reinvented himself as a fat Jersey greaseball for a few episodes of “The Sopranos.” But then, at an early-ish age & without any signs of failing health, he left us dead poolers with nothing but a big, fat Goose egg.

No Such Thing

in Hits & Misses by
“According to my tattoo artist,
this piece truly is a one-of-a-kind.
He said it’s the only time he’s ever seen a man
get a Bon Jovi tattoo.”

Alec John Such
Bassist, Jersey boy, stand-in.
November 14, 1951 – June 4, 2022.
Aged 70 years old.

Most recognized for: In their hair-metal heyday, he was the “original” bass player for Bon Jovi… or so it would seem. While Mr. Such was the one seen strutting around onstage & pouting for the cameras, his parts were often rearranged and rerecorded by session player Hugh MacDonald. But Hugh just didn’t look cool… and apparently, some myopic doofus thought Alec did. So when the demand for hairspray wore off in the mid-90’s, so did the need for Alec’s image… and Hugh finally got his due.

An Empty Barber’s Chair

in Hits & Misses by
“Will Smith can slap Chris Rock
around all he wants, but he best keep
his hands out my dome.
Ya feel me?”

Marion Barber III
Running back, pro-bowler, gopher.
June 10, 1983 – June 1, 2022.
Aged 38 years.

Most recognized for: “Marion the Barbarian” was a hard-hitting third-down running back for 6 seasons with the Cowboys and led the league in broken tackles in 2007. But post-retirement, Marion was anything but a librarian. Arrests, fines, probation, mental health evaluations, etc. And while many signs point to CTE, he strictly forbade submitting his battered brain for research. So now his woes are beknownst only to the worms below Frisco.

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