Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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News & Updates

Dispatches from the commissioner on all things relevant to our morbid little pastime.

Buckle Up

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It’s official!
Well… it’s been official for some time now… but I’ve just been too damn busy to get around to making any kind of announcement. Congratulations to Abra Cadaver on a spectacular performance. With 6 hits and a whopping 233 points, Mr./Ms. Cadaver is 2018’s Dead Reckoner Celebrity Dead Pool Champion [cue the fanfare and confetti cannons.] May we all pause to expel a guttural groan in celebration of this glorious achievement. A prize package valued at 3 hundred & some-odd dollars has already been awarded… and surely squandered on a Tito’s Vodka & Red Bull bender.

Now that 2018’s over and the Dead Zone has passed, 2019’s competition is currently underway!  All lists and all selections have been posted to the site, as well as this year’s Lucky 13.  Now, all we need are some HITS!  Best of luck to all players… both new faces and old mugs.  Check back here and/or follow us on Twitter for updates.

God luck and good speed.

-Der Kommissar

2018 – The Final Insult

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Following in the footsteps of other half-witted news outlets at this time of year, here’s our little retrospective on celebrities we lost in 2018… but only the ones we really care about. Each of these 24 VIPs made their own little skid mark on history… some wider & longer than others. But their contribution to the DRCDP scoreboard is what – in the end – really matters most.

Enjoy.
-Der Kommissar

The New Sh!t

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Attention all ye bloodthirsty vultures: It’s that time of the year again. It’s time to start compiling your research for 2019’s pool! What better way to avoid another lame conversation with the dullards at your family’s Christmas gatherings than by openly obsessing over ailing and aging celebrities. Yield NOT to the banality of “how’s work going?” or “crazy weather we’re having, right?” Sorry, Uncle Fred. Can’t talk. Deadpooling. That’s right… it’s a verb now.

OK… historically, most folks can get their sh!t on a spit before the New Years deadline… and your commissioner thanks you for your promptness. You know who you are. On the other hand, there are always folks that wake up hungover January 1st… covered in blank shame and the stale stench of regurgitated Corbel… whose unfinished list becomes a casualty of yet another Christmas break bender. And then you have the flakes at the office. In spite of their emphatic, repeated proclamations that they “are totally down this year,” the only thing they deliver on when January 2nd rolls around is disappointment. Let’s face it: with all the sh!t that most of us have going on during the last week of the year, it can be tough to set aside the time. If only we had a little more. Who says we can’t have it?

THE NEW LIST SUBMISSION DEADLINE WILL BE 12AM EST on JANUARY the 8th.
This gives you a full week – unencumbered by holiday obligations – to get it all together. Now, before any crazed traditionalists get up in arms about this, just know that we’re not the first dead pool to create this buffer… we’re just catching up. Why change? Quite simply: greed. The hope is that by moving the deadline a little bit past Ryan Seacrest’s marathon of lip syncing wash-ups this will allow more time for more lists to be submitted. More lists = larger pool… which means… well, you get it. This is not a “gambling website.” Keep that in mind.

Now… we know what you’re thinking. “What if somebody dies within that first week of the year?” A valid question. The answer: Nothing. January 1st thru 7th becomes – what other CDPs have aptly named – “The Dead Zone.” As previously stated, we’re not the first to do this. Celebrities that expire inside this window of time are out of playeven if you have them listed as a selection on a submitted list. So if you picked Bob Barker and he croaks on January 5th, no points… not for you or anybody. Bob’s slot will be backfilled by your next available substitute selection. It doesn’t happen all that often, but that’s The Dead Zone. And trust us… without going too in-depth about it, this little moratorium on corpse counting is a big help for those of us on the administrative end of this macabre sideshow. So before anybody starts bitching about getting only 51 weeks instead of 52, read on.

To make up for lost game time, we’re going to give you more chances to score this upcoming year. Not 10…. but 12 PICKS! Starting in 2019, each list will allow for selection of up to a dozen qualified celebrities. You’ll still need to submit back-ups to cover for possible disqualifications or Dead Zone casualties. We’re going to require 3 per list… and this is for your own good. Submit 15, but only your top 12 living qualifiers will be put in play. So if you can’t decide which of 3 aging wrestlers to pick this year… take all 3! Happy now fukkers? It’s not quite an Oprah car giveaway, but it’s close.

The list submission form will be activated within the next 2 weeks… probably closer to New Years Eve. Look for an aptly titled news posting and/or a direct link to it in the main menu. If you can’t find it, you’re absolutely retarded. Sorry… no time for political correctness here, uncle Fred. Deadpooling.

The Rules & Reg’s page will be updated shortly to reflect these new pronouncements. In the meantime: research, recruit, and remember…. 2018’s not over yet. Stay tuned.

-Der Kommissar

 

 

Cue the Marching Band

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It’s halftime! Now, don’t get too excited. We’ve got no fancy dance numbers, no lip-syncing pop-tards, no fireworks or funny commercials, not even Janet Jackson’s right tittie… it’s just a recap of the action that’s taken place over the past 6 months in The Dead Reckoner Celebrity Dead Pool.

2018’s first half was on pace to be an even split between the 1st & 2nd quarters, until a cluster of hits in the last 2 weeks of June made things interesting. So far, 13 selections got their toe tags since January 1st… a 45% jump in hits over the previous year’s performance. So what, right? Well.. these numbers are worth mentioning (not only to bolster the asinine sports motif we’re running with in this post) because 2018 has fewer  lists in the running than 2017 did.  So in spite of a 17% drop in list submissions, the DR CDP is seeing more action than ever. Good riddance to all you half-witted deserters… we’re doing just fine here without you.

In the lead, Tote Menschen boasts 74 points, but with only a solitary hit under his/her belt.   Close behind, Hog  and Raspus round out the top 3, carrying 72 and 64 points, respectively. For a complete standings list, please visit the leaderboard page.

The new bonus system is stirring things up a bit with 100 total points distributed so far.  Plus, 2 lists have already crossed the 3 hit qualification threshold in the first half… thanks to a Joe Jackson buzzer beater.  That Joe… always gotta be beating something. Congrats to Raspus and Mike Poweleit for being the first in line for the big, big prize package that awaits this year’s champion.  “So doesn’t that mean Raspus & Mike are in 1st & 2nd place then?”  Well….yes, if the competition ended today.  Wether or not a list qualifies will be a determining factor at the end of the year.  For now, we’re just gonna keep things simple and go by points.

Some other random hit stats:
First hit: Keith Jackson – January 12th
Most popular hit: Billy Graham – Selected 9X
Biggest hit: Liam Miller – 64 points
Smallest hit: Verne Troyer – 2ft 8in

With 6 months left, it’s still anybody’s game. Queen E2 has been “under the weather,” McCain is still circling the drain, and ER staffs have been seeing a lot of GHW Bush these days.  And then you have wrestlers in general…. they’re always dying.  Stay tuned and follow us on twitter for hit & miss updates.

 
God luck and good speed, y’all.
-Der Kommissar

A Valentine for the Heartless

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Another Hallmark holiday is upon us, folks. So it’s time to blow your hard-earned dough on candy… overpriced floral arrangements… and prefabricated sentiments, written by a total stranger and printed upon cardstock. That’s love, American style. The D.R. staff would like to skip all of the drugstore formalities and extend to you a video valentine from the one and only Alice Cooper.

CLICK HERE and enjoy.

And So It Begins Again

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It’s on, folks! A new year, 36 new lists, and 182 new celebs to cheer on to the grave. Some may be old or already circling the drain… some are simply bad decision makers… while others are just objects of our unbridled hatred. Whoever they are, may they meet the ultimate finish line before 2019. Godspeed you poor devils!

A big thank you! to returning participants and hearty welcome aboard! to all you new ghouls. A handsome prize package valued at roughly $350 awaits whoever can rack up the most points with at least 3 hits in this calendar year. All lists & selection info is now active on the site. Don’t forget to check out 2018’s Lucky 13 to see how in or out of tune you are with your fellow selectors.

One thing I’ll say is that it’s refreshing to see that folks are really upping their game this year. The research is showing… bravo, y’all. And with 123 of 182 selections being loner picks, that new Cadaver Dog Bonus could change the game a bit. Best of luck to everyone!

So as this year’s carnival of tears kicks off, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention 2017’s results. To throw the moose onto the table: OK… I won. Although I oversee this sh!t show, I’m a participant as well… and after several years of trying, I finally landed the blue marlin with 5 hits and 153 points. The winnings will be re-invested into the site…. and maybe a nice bottle of bourbon. So… no speech… or self-serving ego-stroke in the third-person here… I’ll just say thank you.

However, the competition was fierce and the top-tenners definitely deserve acknowledgement. In order, they are:

  • Kim Reaper 1 – 137 points, 4 hits
  • J. Darr – 137 points, 4 hits
  • B. Hollander – 121 points, 3 hits
  • Doug Graves – 94 points, 3 hits
  • Kim Reaper 2 – 93 points, 3 hits
  • C. Capps – 89 points, 3 hits
  • M. Poweleit 1 – 85 points, 3 hits
  • M. Gettys – 67 points, 2 hits
  • J. Stautberg – 63 points, 2 hits

Top notch players… every one of them.
Well done.

And now… back to our regularly scheduled programming.

-Der Kommissar

In Memoriam

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Well… not exactly. If every other news outlet has a lame “stars we lost” montage or slideshow this time of year, then so should we, right? Not that we’re trying to keep up with the Joneses or anything. Fukk the Joneses. It just seemed like a great way to recap the year and celebrate the carcasses we’ve shredded along the way. As one would guess, our version of a tribute reel is a little south of reverential. But hey… look where we are here.

Two Month Warning!

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OK, fukkers… it’s time to get your sh!t together and start thinking about next year’s picks! Now that Halloween is over, Christmas has stuck it’s ass right in our faces. It’s everywhere… and well before the rotting jack-o-lantern on my porch even makes it to the trash. Every soul-sucking retailer – from Macy’s to The Home Depot – already has all their Christmas sh!t out… front and center. Where are the decorative turkeys?… the pleasantly plump birds, cartoonish in their happiness despite their imminent death & dismemberment. And the pilgrims?… with their depressing clothes that made use of buckles in strange places… and their awkward firearms that appeared to be equal parts rifle and trombone? Where are they in my pre-thanksgiving shopping experience? Sold down the river, unable to compete with the commercial juggarnaut that Jesus’ birthday has become.

Anyway, the point being: The new year is closer than you think. Prepare thyself.  If you haven’t already, start doing your research.  Remember, the list submission deadline is 12:00AM January 1st, 2018. If you don’t already know the drill, visit the Rules & Reg’s page to get up to speed.  There will be some slight tweaks to the language before the year is up, but for the most part it’ll be the same for 2018’s pool.  There will, however, be some new point incentives added as well. For example:  If you are the only person to lay claim to a particular corpse, bonus points will be awarded.  What good does that do?  It encourages you to be creative, mutherfukker.  Take a flyer here and there.  Don’t have a list that looks like it was largely pulled form last year’s unlucky 13. Yawn, fart… that’s no fun.  Run some google searches, read a few news feeds, stalk a couple of ritzy hospices… think outside the bye-bye box.

It’s also a good time to start recruiting new players. More players and more lists yields a bigger & better prize package, folks. So spread the word. A buddy, a neighbor, your degenerate brother-in-law, that jaggoff from work… think they’d be down for some of this action? Reel ’em in. Send them to the site. Remind them that for a modest membership and processing fee they can be part of an entire year’s worth of our morbid merriment. And for any of you people currently on the sidelines, quietly monitoring our disrespect for the deceased… jump in, dammit! What are you waiting for?! Send us your info via the contact page & we’ll get back in touch with you when crunch time hits in December…. but start thinking about your picks now.

Next year aside, this year has been a rollercoaster… especially the past couple of months.  Since giving a score update would only be self serving at this point, I’ll just let the leaderboard do the talking.  It still is, however, anybody’s game. Good luck to all of this year’s participants.  We’ve entered the funeral home stretch… and I’m willing to bet we see a few more hits before the year’s end.  Regardless of how it turns out, we hope that everyone will be back join us again in 2018.  Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to scour the web for some fresh toe tags.

– Der Kommissar

Still Here

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“Hmmm.  There’s something about this stogey… that reminds me of that orgy at Dennis Rodman’s house.”

Happy 52nd birthday to Carlos Irwin Estévez… better known as Mr. Charlie Sheen, and resident of the #5 spot in 2017’s Lucky 13.

As of late, he’s been busy fending off lawsuits from former sex partners, starring in a ridiculous elevator movie that has something to do with 9/11, and showing the world just how geriatric the cast of Major League is looking these days.

Keep up the good work, Carlos… and stay positive.

It’s Halftime!

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Now, don’t get too excited. We’ve got no fancy dance numbers, no lip-syncing pop-tards, no fireworks or funny commercials, not even Janet Jackson’s right tittie… it’s just a recap of the action that’s taken place over the past 6 months.

It’s been slow & steady. Not a whole lotta hits, but they do trickle in from time to time. So far, we’ve seen 9 selections take the big dirt nap since January 1st.  Those dearly departed being: (in chronological order)

Those 9 corpses yielded a total of 733 points over 23 separate lists… which makes it sound just a touch more impressive. In the lead we have “J.Darr” (you people really need to come up with some creative pseudonyms) with 82 points and 2 hits. In 2nd place is “Doug Graves” (that’s more like it) with 75 points and 2 hits. Rounding out the top 3 is a 4 way tie between “C. Capps,” “B. Hollander,” “The Kim Reaper,” and “M. Poweleit” each with 55 points and a single hit. Up to date standings can be found – as always – on the leaderboard page.

The biggest disappointment of the first half: NO QUALIFIERS! By which we mean 3 or more hits on a single list, of course. Well… maybe not a “disappointment,” because that means it’s still anybody’s game…. but come on. Only 4 lists can boast 2 hits, while the rest on the leaderboard each only have a solitary notch on their scythes.

The year may be half over… but nobody has it locked in yet… and there’s plenty of time left on the clock. All it takes is for a couple of fresh bodies to drop for the game to change completely. Check the site for updates, follow us on Twitter, comment on death posts, and STAY TUNED. Will Stan Lee pull a Johnny Cash and throw in the towel soon after seeing his old lady bite the dust? Will Prince Phillip put an end to all this health-scare cock-teasing and move the fuck on? Will Shia Lebeouf accidentally drown himself in a koi pond filled with his own semen in some artsy publicity stunt gone horribly awry? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we’ll be watching… & waiting.

See you all in the 2nd half!
-Der Kommissar

Still Here

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“Like I said: One in the pink…. five in the stink.
That’s how me & Barbie roll, mmmkay?”

Happy belated birthday (June 12th) to former US President George H. W. Bush. At 93 years, the old one-termer just won’t give it up. He’s been in the hospital more times than the entire cast of Jackass, but keeps on kicking. He also holds the title for most frequently selected celeb in the 2017 Dead Reckoner CDP, with the #1 spot on the Lucky 13. Best wishes, Georgie Boy.
 

Still Here

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As happy as they wanna be.

Happy birthday to Queen E2 & Glen Campbell. Although their birthdays are a day apart and they might each deserve their own news posts, we are into the whole brevity thing thing. Queen Elizabeth II, the old sourpuss, turns 91 today… while Glen trails her by ten years & a day, turning 81 tomorrow. We don’t send birthday wishes to just any celebrity… but members of the Lucky 13 get special treatment. Besides, it’s doubtful that the “wishes” we’re sending them are well received.
 

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