Der Kommissar – Page 41 – THE DEAD RECKONER

Linger No More

Published on January 15, 2018 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

“Some girls are **lucky** to have *resting bitch face*.
I, on the other hand, am stuck with
*resting lobotomy face*.”

Dolores O’Riordan –
Musician, singer-songwriter, Mick.
September 6, 1971 – January 15, 2018.
Aged 46 years.

Most recognized for: Dolores was the singer/frontwoman for Irish rockers The Cranberries, whose hit “Zombie” was in heavy rotation back when MTV actually showed music videos. Their success launched her solo career, eventually landing her a judge’s chair on Ireland’s version of “The Voice.” Although her health issues cancelled a 2017 Cranberries reunion tour, Ms. O’Riordon still had one last show scheduled… at the funeral parlor.

We Interrupt This Broadcast…

Published on January 14, 2018 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

“How am I supposed to pronounce that?!?
Can’t anybody have a normal fukking name anymore?!?”

Keith Jackson –
Sportscaster, commentator, jarhead.
October 18, 1928 – January 12, 2018.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: A legend in the sports broadcasting world, he’d called it all: NFL, MLB, NBA, NASCAR, the Olympics, etc. His distinctive voice and down-home delivery provided the play-by-play for over 50 years of college football, coining phrases along the way such as “The Grandaddy of them All” (The Rose Bowl) and “The Big House” (Michigan Stadium.)

Selected by: P Kitty

Hey There, Hi There, HO There!

Published on January 12, 2018 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

“You don’t have to wait an hour in line
to jump in this ride, fellas.
Take that, Disneyland!”

Doreen Tracey –
Actress, Mouseketeer, attention whore.
April 13, 1943 – January 10, 2018.
Aged 74 years.

Most recognized for: She was one of America’s little sweethearts in “The Mickey Mouse Club” & other family friendly Disney shows in the late 50’s. Then she grew up… and decided to show her mouse trap to the world in a 1976 issue of Gallery… and then again in 1979. Needless to say, Walt stopped calling. She later became a publicist for Frank Zappa… only to finish her career working for Warner Bros. Not seeing the correlation? Ask a Zappa fan.

Not So Fast, Eddie

Published on January 11, 2018 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

“Fast Eddie” Clark –
Musician, producer, quitter.
October 5, 1950 – January 10, 2018.
Aged 67 years.

Most recognized for: Eddie was the last surviving member of the original Motörhead line up. Whilst recording the abysmal cover of “Stand By Your Man,” Mr. Clark grew tired of Lemmy’s infatuation with Wendy O. Williams and quit the band. He later formed Fastway with UFO bassist Pete Way… which gave him something to do when he wasn’t sitting by the phone waiting for Lemmy to call him back.

In No Mood

Published on January 9, 2018 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

“Hello, Ladies. In addition to today’s flute lesson, we’ll also study the slide whistle and jaw harp. OK… blindfolds, everyone”

Ray Thomas –
Singer/songwriter, Brit, flautist.
December 29, 1941 – January 4, 2018.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: Ray had it made in the flower power days as a dark & stormy singer/tootler for The Moody Blues. With every velvety rendition of “Nights in White Satin,” he soaked the drawers of stoner chicks at concert venues around the globe. As time went on, the Vietnam war came to a close, bellbottoms went out of style, acid became harder and harder to find, and ol’ Ray’s prostate bit him in the ass.

And So It Begins Again

Published on January 7, 2018 in News & Updates by Der Kommissar

It’s on, folks! A new year, 36 new lists, and 182 new celebs to cheer on to the grave. Some may be old or already circling the drain… some are simply bad decision makers… while others are just objects of our unbridled hatred. Whoever they are, may they meet the ultimate finish line before 2019. Godspeed you poor devils!

A big thank you! to returning participants and hearty welcome aboard! to all you new ghouls. A handsome prize package valued at roughly $350 awaits whoever can rack up the most points with at least 3 hits in this calendar year. All lists & selection info is now active on the site. Don’t forget to check out 2018’s Lucky 13 to see how in or out of tune you are with your fellow selectors.

One thing I’ll say is that it’s refreshing to see that folks are really upping their game this year. The research is showing… bravo, y’all. And with 123 of 182 selections being loner picks, that new Cadaver Dog Bonus could change the game a bit. Best of luck to everyone!

So as this year’s carnival of tears kicks off, I would be remiss if I didn’t at least mention 2017’s results. To throw the moose onto the table: OK… I won. Although I oversee this sh!t show, I’m a participant as well… and after several years of trying, I finally landed the blue marlin with 5 hits and 153 points. The winnings will be re-invested into the site…. and maybe a nice bottle of bourbon. So… no speech… or self-serving ego-stroke in the third-person here… I’ll just say thank you.

However, the competition was fierce and the top-tenners definitely deserve acknowledgement. In order, they are:

Kim Reaper 1 – 137 points, 4 hits
J. Darr – 137 points, 4 hits
B. Hollander – 121 points, 3 hits
Doug Graves – 94 points, 3 hits
Kim Reaper 2 – 93 points, 3 hits
C. Capps – 89 points, 3 hits
M. Poweleit 1 – 85 points, 3 hits
M. Gettys – 67 points, 2 hits
J. Stautberg – 63 points, 2 hits

Top notch players… every one of them.
Well done.

And now… back to our regularly scheduled programming.

-Der Kommissar

A Cold, Dead Space

Published on January 7, 2018 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

“It puts the gloves in the helmet.
It does this whenever it’s told.”

John Young –
Astronaut, test pilot, moonwalker.
September 24, 1930 – January 5, 2018.
Aged 87 years.

Most recognized for: Yep. Yet another dead astronaut. Somebody should have wisened up and submitted a list of nothing but aged NASA dudes. John had the longest career of any astronaut, with 42 years of service. He was also the only guy to have flown/commanded all 4 classes of NASA spacecraft and the first crazy fukker to pilot a space shuttle in 1981.

Player Substitution

Published on January 6, 2018 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

“Dick & I got high as fukk on the ride over here. What event is this again?”

Jerry Van Dyke –
Actor, comedian, lil’ sib.
July 27, 1931 – January 5, 2018.
Aged 86 years.

Most recognized for: Similar to the 2 Howard boys (Ron & Clint,) you have the Van Dyke boys. One made it big, and the other just barely made it… getting his start by appearing on big brother’s hit show. Jerry managed to branch out on his own, eventually… winning an Emmy for his role as defensive coordinator Luther Van Dam on the hit TV show “Coach.”

Latter-day Ain’t

Published on January 3, 2018 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

“Say…
that’s a fine looking boy you have there.”

Thomas S. Monson –
Religious leader, author, one of those creepy mormons.
August 21, 1927 – January 2, 2018.
Aged 90 years.

Most recognized for: At the time of expiration, Tom was the 16th president of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints… so he was kinda/sorta the pope of the Mormons. He also served as an executive boardmember for the Boy Scouts of America. So like many other religious leaders, he was deeply passionate about touching the lives of young boys.

Spoiler Alert!

Published on December 29, 2017 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

Rose Marie Manzetta –
Actress, vaudevillian, Hollywood square.
August 15, 1923 – December 28, 2017.
Aged 94 years.

Most recognized for: Rose’s 9 decades in showbiz began in shorts for Vitaphone at the age of 5. Radio, theater, the night club circuit, TV, film… she’d seen & done it all. Her highest profile gigs were starring as comedy writer Sally Rogers on “The Dick Van Dyke Show” and as herself in over 600 episodes of “Hollywood Squares.” Had her on your list for 2018, did’jya? Sorry, Charlie… but that’s all she wrote.

In Memoriam

Published on December 27, 2017 in News & Updates by Der Kommissar

Well… not exactly. If every other news outlet has a lame “stars we lost” montage or slideshow this time of year, then so should we, right? Not that we’re trying to keep up with the Joneses or anything. Fukk the Joneses. It just seemed like a great way to recap the year and celebrate the carcasses we’ve shredded along the way. As one would guess, our version of a tribute reel is a little south of reverential. But hey… look where we are here.

So Long, Farewell

Published on December 26, 2017 in Hits & Misses by Der Kommissar

“Trust me. I’m just as shocked as you are that the TV version of ‘Logan’s Run’ lasted 14 episodes. It truly was dog-sh!t awful.”

Heather Menzies Urich –
Actress, philanthropist, Mrs. Spencer for Hire.
December 3, 1949 – December 24, 2017.
Aged 68 years.

Most recognized for: Heather played 3rd oldest child Louisa von Trapp in “The Sound of Music.” Desperate to shake off the wholesome child-star image and show off her lovely rack, she posed for Playboy in 1973. Several TV shows and a couple of B-horror flicks later, she hung up her acting spurs… but somewhere in that stack of old magazines in your dirty uncle’s basement, her star shines on.

Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

Der Kommissar - page 41

Der Kommissar has 760 articles published.