Hits & Misses - page 38

Nanette Fabray –
Actress, Emmy winner, old broad.
October 27, 1920 – February 22, 2018.
Aged 97 years.

Most recognized for: “Nan” habitually made regular appearances on TV shows named after their egomaniacal stars… including Ed Sullivan, Sid Caesar, Mary Tyler Moore, Carol Burnette, and even “The Nanette Fabray Show.” Her longest running gig, however, was as Grandma Romano on “One Day at a Time.” 40 years later in a nursing home for celebs, the excessively aged Romano finally went ripe.

William Franklin “Billy” Graham –
Evangelist, Baptist, Hypocrite.
November 7, 1918 – February 21, 2018.
Aged 99 years.

Most recognized for: With one foot on the pulpit and the other entrenched in the sewer of politics, Billy was equal parts fire & brimstone preacher and bible-based lobbyist. Called “The Pastor to the Presidents,” “America’s Pastor,” & even “The Great Legitimator,” his blessing lent credibility to even the most pointless of White House crusades… like LBJ’s War on Poverty. His message was one of constant contradiction… openly preaching spiritual inclusivity after referring to Judaism as “The Synagogue of Satan,” promoting equality while stating the role of a homemaker was the only path to “real womanhood,” and endorsing Mitt Romney for president while his website listed Mormonism as “a cult.” At last, his runaway train of bullsh!t has reached its terminus at the ripe old age of 99… which opens the door for a fresh face in next year’s Lucky 13.

Selected by: Mike Poweleit, Schlitz, Dr. Death, Ralphie May’s Fat Ghost, Kappy, Raspus, Gobes, Johnny Diamond, & MDN1977.

John Gavin –
Actor, US Embassador, double-0 6.5
April 8, 1931 – February 9, 2018.
Aged 86 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Gavin carried supporting roles in several box office hits, including “Psycho,” “Imitation of Life,” and “Spartacus.” He was also slated to play James Bond twice, but was benched by producers at the last minute both times. In 1981, he was appointed Ambassador to Mexico by Reagan, which John parlayed into a new career in global capital management… which was far more lucrative than any lame acting gig.

Prince Henrik of Denmark –
Monarch, pianist, frog.
June 11, 1934 – February 13, 2018.
Aged 83 years.

Most recognized for: A French-born aristocrat, he married the Princess of Denmark in 1967… who would eventually become Queen. Denying him the moniker of “King,” she titled him “Prince Consort of Denmark”… and that didn’t sit well with ol’ Henrik. The snub became quite the bone of contention, culminating in his break of a nearly 500 year tradition… by refusing be buried next to his wife in the royal Danish cemetery. Way to put your foot down, man.

Marty Allen –
Comedian, actor, Brillo pad prototype.
March 23, 1922 – February 12, 2018.
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Allen was one-half of the popular comedy duo Allen & Rossi,  whose catchphrase “Hello dere” was beat like a dead horse on over 700 TV programs, including 44 Ed Sullivan show appearances.  Known for his wild eyes & wacky hairdo, Marty’s signature jew-fro doubled as a combover in his advancing years.

Daryle Singletary –
Singer, songwriter, country guy.
March 10, 1971 – February 12, 2018.
Aged 46 years.

Most recognized for: One of a million hayseeds that flock to Nashville each year with hopes of country music stardom, this clown actually made it… for a little while. After being discovered by Randy Travis, he found some success in the late 90’s with a handful of top 40 hits. Unfortunately, he got lazy and recorded multiple albums largely comprised of cover songs. Then ol’ Daryle got covered… with dirt.

Reg E. Cathey –
Actor, Emmy winner, Army brat.
August 18, 1958 – February 9, 2018.
Aged 59 years.

Most recognized for: Reginald’s impressive collection of small parts in big films is upstaged only by his TV resume… including regular appearances on “Square One TV,” “Arli$$,” “Oz,” “The Wire,” and an Emmy win for “House of Cards.” He even dabbled in stage work, starring as Red in a London theatrical production of “The Shawshank Redemption.” Sounds like Hollywood’s not the only town out of fresh ideas.

Vic Damone –
Singer/songwriter, actor, wop.
June 12, 1928 – February 11, 2018.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: Born Vito Rocco Farinola in Brooklyn, NY, this guy couldn’t be a bigger greaseball if he sh!t lasagna and pissed Pelligrino. Inspired to be a crooner like his idol Frank Sinatra, his number one hit “You’re Breaking My Heart” actually caught the attention of Ol’ Blue Eyes… who claimed that Vic had “the best set of pipes in the business.”

Liam Miller –
Int’l footballer, midfielder, mick.
February 13, 1981 – February 9, 2018.
Aged 36 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Miller was a star midfielder for the Republic of Ireland’s national football team. Throughout his career, he bounced around between multiple clubs, even playing briefly for Manchester United. Then in 2017, he was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer… which eventually dealt him the ultimate red card.

Selected by: Tote Menschen

Craig MacGregor –
Musician, bassist, Iowegian.
September 13, 1949 – February 9, 2018.
Aged 68 years.

Most recognized for: For nearly 40 years, he slappa’d da bass for classic rockers Foghat. As replacement for original member Tony Stevens, poor Craig came on board after the band had already hit its creative and commercial peak. Occasionally, Tony would come back, and Craig would go off & do his own thing… until lung cancer brought his Slow Ride to a grinding halt.

Pat Torpey –
Musician, singer/songwriter, paradiddler.
December 13, 1953 – February 7, 2018.
Aged 64 years.

Most recognized for: Although skilled at multiple instruments, Pat’s bread & butter was his drumming. He played with Robert Plant, Montrose, and The Knack, but is best known as the rhythm man for 80’s hard rockers Mr. Big… who (surprisingly) continue to record & tour. Ever since his 2014 diagnosis, Pat’s been trying to shake off a case of the Parkinson’s… but just couldn’t beat it.

Mickey Jones –
Actor, musician, ginger.
June 10, 1941 – February 7, 2018.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: Before breaking into TV & film, Mickey was the drummer for Bob Dylan and Kenny Rodgers’ original band The First Edition. As a burly, bearded Texan, he became a go-to character actor for rough roles, including the garage mechanic/sheriff who towed the Family Truckster out of the desert in the John Hughes classic “National Lampoon’s Vacation.”