Michael Mantenuto –
Actor, hockey guy, dirtbag.
May 13, 1981 – April 24, 2017.
Aged 35 years.
Most recognized for: He played US olympic hockey star Jack O’Callahan in that Disney movie about The Miracle on Ice. You know… the one with Kurt Russell in it? Remember? Well perhaps he was trying to forget it when he decided to ventilate his noggin.
Jonathan Demme –
Director, producer, Go-Go banger.
February 22, 1944 – April 26, 2017.
Aged 73 years.
Most recognized for: Although he directed several feature films, documentaries, and even a few episodes of Saturday Night Live, one work overshadows them all: 1991’s “The Silence of the Lambs.” The scarring Buffalo Bill dance scene introduced Joe 6-pack to the practice of “tucking”… and haunts us all to this day.
Robert M. Prisig –
Author, philosopher, greasemonkey.
September 6, 1928 – April 24, 2017.
Aged 88 years.
Most recognized for: He penned “Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance,” a semi-autobiographical novel steeped in philosophical deconstruction and deep metaphysical analysis. If you’ve read it, good for you…. and why are you currently reading this garbage?
Erin Moran –
Actress, party chick, Shortcake.
October 18, 1960 – April 22, 2017.
Aged 56 years.
Most recognized for: Erin played Joanie Cunningham on “Happy Days” and its short-lived spin-off “Joanie Loves Chachi.” Child star turned Hollywood casualty, she wound up living in an Indiana trailer park… from which she was evicted for her “hard partying ways.” Atta girl, Joanie… you do you.
Cuba Gooding Sr. –
Singer, actor, old boy in the hood.
April 27, 1944 – April 20, 2017.
Aged 72 years.
Most recognized for: Cuba Sr. was lead vocalist for “The Main ingredient,” a soul group best known for the 1972 hit “Everybody Plays the Fool.” Found in his Jaguar dead of an overdose at the ripe old age of 72, he finally got his turn… and nailed it.
Matthew Tapunuu Anoaʻi AKA “Rosey” –
Wrestler, Samoan, chubby kid.
April 7, 1970 – April 17, 2017.
Aged 47 years.
Most recognized for: One half of the villainous wrestling duo “3 Minute Warning,” Rosey threw his weight around the ring in the WWE for about 5 years or so. Although he never achieved the same level of fame as his lil cuz Dwayne Johnson and lil bro Roman Reigns, he tried… but he died.
Happy birthday to Queen E2 & Glen Campbell. Although their birthdays are a day apart and they might each deserve their own news posts, we are into the whole brevity thing thing. Queen Elizabeth II, the old sourpuss, turns 91 today… while Glen trails her by ten years & a day, turning 81 tomorrow. We don’t send birthday wishes to just any celebrity… but members of the Lucky 13 get special treatment. Besides, it’s doubtful that the “wishes” we’re sending them are well received.
Aaron Hernandez –
Ex-Pat, murderer, prison bitch.
November 6, 1989 – April 19, 2017.
Aged 27 years.
Most recognized for: Operating under the Belichick-taught principle that basic rules were meant to be broken, this former New England Patriot decided that it was OK to off people he didn’t get along with. Convicted of 1st degree murder, his tight end was sent to the pokey… where he ultimately threw in the towel and hanged himself.
Clifton James –
Actor, decorated veteran, pretend po-po.
May 29, 1920 – April 15, 2017.
Aged 96 years.
Most recognized for: Somewhat typecast as a tobacco-chewing, gravy-swilling southerner, he played the bloated, clumsy cop character in “Cool Hand Luke,” “Superman II,” “Silver Streak,” and “Live and Let Die,” just to name a few. He was even a single-episode replacement for James Best as Rosco P. Coltrane on “The Dukes Of Hazzard.”
Emma Morano –
Supercentenarian, record holder, fossil.
November 29, 1899 – April 15, 2017.
Aged 117 years.
Most recognized for: A hundred and seven-fukking-teen years old. Jeezus. At the time of her death, she was the world’s oldest living person and the last living person born in the 1800’s.
Matt Holt –
Singer, musician, metalhead.
May 28, 1977 – April 15, 2017.
Aged 39 years.
Most recognized for: Mr. Holt was the vocalist for Washington D.C. metal group Nothingface. After a brief swell of success, the band broke up, reformed, and broke up again. So Matt went back to doing… well, whatever it was that he did… until an unspecified chronic illness cut that short.
Toby Smith –
Musician, producer, ponytail enthusiast.
October 29, 1970 – April 11, 2017.
Aged 46 years.
Most Recognized for: Remember Jamiroquai? Not really? That’s OK. They were one of those British funk-pop bands du jour back in the day when MTV actually played a music video from time to time. Anyway, Mr. Smith was the founding keyboardist.