Der Kommissar - page 51

Jeanne Moreau –
Actress, director, chainsmoker.
January 23, 1928 – July 31, 2017.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: “Another French actress we’ve never heard of!?” We know, we know… but apparently she’s a really big deal. Winner of multiple international film awards and seldom seen without a cigarette, she’s been referred to as “The French Bette Davis.” Although she hasn’t appeared in much on our side of the pond, she foolishly turned down some major American roles, including Nurse Ratched and Mrs. Robinson.

Lee May –
MLB 1st Baseman, All-Star, Big Bopper.
March 23, 1943 – July 29, 2017.
Aged 74 years.

Most recognized for: A renowned slugger and frequent DH/pinch hitter, Mr. May was often the guy who hit the game-winning home run or RBI. As a Cincinnati Red, his was the last ball to go over the wall at Crosley Field’s final game. He also made quite a name for himself in Baltimore and has been inducted into both the Orioles’ and Reds’ Halls of Fame… the latter of the two being the only one that means a sh!t.

D.L. Menard –
Musician, craftsman, mush-mouth.
April 14, 1932 – July 27, 2017.
Aged 85 years.

Most recognized for: In the deep South, the English language is not so much spoken… but rather chewed up and spat at you… and casually explained away as “Cajun.” As an ambassador of this ignorance, Mr. Menard traveled the world performing his one big hit “The Back Door” at odd-ball cultural music festivals… and confusing the sh!t out of audiences between songs with his incoherent ramblings.

June Foray –
Voice actress, writer, funny sounding old broad.
September 18, 1917 – July 26, 2017.
Aged 99 years.

Most recognized for: Referred to as ‘The Cartoon Queen’ and ‘The Female Mel Blanc,’ she’d been at it since 1943… lending her voice to over 300 animated productions. Her biggest moneymaker was her role as Rocky the Flying Squirrel… from the character’s 1959 debut to present. She was also the voice of Cindy Lou Who, Jokey Smurf, and just about every old lady you ever saw in a Loony Tunes cartoon.

John Kundla –
Pro/College basketball coach, HOF’er, golden gopher.

Most recognized for: Born in a little coal-mining sh!t-hole called Star Junction, he escaped to attend school in the land of 1,000 lakes. As a college ballplayer turned pro coach, he led the (then) Minneapolis Lakers to 5 national championships in their first 6 years of existence. John went on to be voted one of the 10 best coaches in NBA history… and Star Junction’s #1 export.  It’s just like how French Lick, IN worships Larry Bird.  Truly pathetic.

Geoff Mack –
Singer, songwriter, one hit wonder.
December 20, 1922 – July 21, 2017.
Aged 94 years.

Most recognized for: While fixing planes for the RAAF during WWII, he started writing tunes. Ultimately, he came up with the traveler’s anthem “I’ve Been Everywhere.” Recorded over 130 different ways by countless artists (including Johnny Cash,) this one song got Mr. Mack inducted into Nashville’s Songwriters Hall of Fame… and presumably a lifetime’s worth of royalty checks.

John Heard –
Actor, producer, ex-Mr. Kidder.
March 7, 1946 – July 21, 2017.
Aged 71 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Heard started out as a lead actor in the late 70’s but somehow ended up as one of those go-to guys for supporting roles. His list of film and TV credits hovers around the 200 mark… with the biggest being the role of Peter McCallister. Yep… Kevin’s Dad. Painfully, we must now accept what this really means: No “Home Alone 3.” Take a moment to dry your eyes, everyone.

Chester Bennington –
Singer, music producer, chandelier.
March 20, 1976 – July 20, 2017.
Aged 41 years.

Most recognized for: In 2000, Rap-metal and Nu-metal had a baby… a hideous disfigurement called Linkin Park.  Chester was the spikey-haired little screamo boy who fronted this bubblegum abomination.  Over time, Chester grew up, ditched the hair dye & gas station attendant clothes, & got the opportunity to collaborate with & befriend his musical idols… like Chris Cornell.  We can only presume this is where he got the bright idea to hang it up.

Robert Gene “Red” West –
Actor, songwriter, Elvis hangaround.
March 8, 1936 – July 18, 2017.
Aged 81 years.

Most recognized for: A high-school friend of Elvis, he co-wrote a few tunes and got bit roles in 16 of his movies. After being booted from the entourage for criticizing The King’s drug use, he focused on acting. The crown jewel of his career: his role as shotgun-wielding auto parts store owner Red Webster in “Road House.” The jewel may be a plastic piece of garbage set in a cardboard Burger King crown, but all that matters… is how you wear it.

Harvey Atkin –
Actor, cartoon voice talent, Canuck.
December 18, 1942 – July 17, 2017.
Aged 74 years.

Most recognized for: He played camp director Morty Melnick in the Gen-X comedy classic “Meatballs” …a role that earned him a Best Supporting Actor nomination at the 1980 Genie Awards. “WTF are the Genie Awards,” you ask? They’re Canada’s Oscars.  “Meatballs” was nominated for 9…. FUKKING 9 Canadian Oscars!  Meanwhile, in US, the Academy is recognizing “Apocalypse Now,” “Alien,” and “Kramer vs. Kramer.”  Oh Canada…

David “Dave Z” Zablidowsky –
Bassist, fashionista, pretty boy.
May 29, 1979 – July 14, 2017.
Aged 38 years.

Most recognized for: With chiseled abs and flowing locks, Dave Z was the lady-slaying bass player for the Trans-Siberian Orchestra and supergroup-turned-disaster magnet Adrenaline Mob. 2 years after finding their drummer dead on the bus, they got plowed by a tractor-trailer while changing a tire. If their luck got any better, they’d be Lynyrd Skynyrd.

Bob Wolff –
Sportscaster, HOF’er, talker.
November 29, 1920 – July 15, 2017.
Aged 96 years.

Most recognized for: Having been on the air in 9 different decades, Mr. Wolff was the longest running broadcaster in TV & radio history. Getting his start at 18, he’s called play-by-play for baseball, basketball, football, hockey, and even the Westminster Kennel Club Show. Whether this is evidence of a great talent or someone who – no matter the situation – simply cannot shut the fukk up… you be the judge.