Der Kommissar - page 53

Michael Bond –
Author, Brit, “big deal” in the OBE.
13 January 1926 – 27 June 2017.
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: A published author for an impressive 59 years, Mr. Bond’s most lucrative work lies in the Paddington Bear children’s book series. The Brits so love their little duffel coat-wearing, marmalade-addicted ursine, that the Queen dubbed Mr. Bond ‘Commander of the Order of the British Empire’ in 2015. OOOOHHH! Fancy titles & shiny neck wear doled out by the enfeebled figurehead of a powerless monarchy.  PPHHTPTPT!!!

Mikael Nyqvist –
Actor, Swede, pale guy with an accent.
November 8, 1960 – June 27, 2017.
Aged 56 years.

Most recognized for: He played Russian villain Viggo Tarasov in the first “John Wick” movie and fictional journalist Mikael Blomkvist in the original “The Girl withe the Dragon Tattoo” film… a role he reprised in parts 2 & 3 of the Stieg Larsson movie trilogy. That’s right… the Swedes filmed all 3. Suck it, Daniel Craig.

Anthony Young –
MLB pitcher, record holder, loser.
January 19, 1966 – June 27, 2017.
Aged 51 years.

Most recognized for: During his time as a relief pitcher for the Mets, he set the standing MLB losing streak record of 27 consecutive decisions. Between May of ’92 & July of ’93, Mr. Young went 0–14 as a starter and 0–13 as a reliever. Not long after, he hung up his cleats & took a day job at a Texas chemical plant. 8 years and 1 inoperable brain tumor later, here we are.

Frank Kush –
College/pro football coach, Hall of Fame’r, mean old Polack.
January 20, 1929 – June 22, 2017.
Aged 88 years.

Most recognized for: During his tenure as head coach at Arizona State, his sadistic practice drills in desert heat became the stuff of legend. These “motivational” techniques became the focus of a lawsuit after he blasted a player in the mouth. Following his dismissal from ASU, he coached the Colts for a minute, and then quit for a USFL job. Remember the USFL?

Albert Johnson – A.K.A Prodigy –
Rapper, actor, thug.
November 2, 1974 – June 20, 2017.
Aged 42 years.

Most recognized for: The pretentiously self-nicknamed Prodigy was one half of East Coast hardcore rap duo Mobb Deep. Flashy & foolish, he was busted for drugs, guns, and eventually landed himself in the pokey. Although he survived his 3 years in a jail cell, the sickle cell was waiting for him on the outside.

Bill Dana –
Actor, comedian, pretend Mexican.
October 5, 1924 – June 15, 2017.
Aged 92 years.

Most recognized for: A comedy show staple in the 50’s & 60’s… he even had his own sit-com at one time. Bill also had recurring characters on “Too Close for Comfort,” “Golden Girls,” “St. Elsewhere,” and wrote the infamous Sammy Davis Jr. episode of “All In The Family.” In spite of all these accomplishments, he’s best known for his Mexican immigrant turned astronaut character ‘Jose’ on “The Ed Sullivan Show.”

Tim Hague –
Professional fighter, Canadian, bleeder.
May 9, 1983 – June 18, 2017.
Aged 34.

Most recognized for: A heavyweight MMA’er, this 6’4″ 265 lb Canuck ruled the cage circuit up North before transitioning to the UFC. After losing by what Joe Rogan referred to as “the worst decision he’s seen in his life,” he left the UFC… only to return & quit a time or two more… eventually deciding to stick to just boxing. A few shots to the head later, & he’s out cold. Real cold.

Stephen Furst –
Actor, director, ‘Beetus casualty.
May 8, 1954 – June 16, 2017.
Aged 63 years.

Most recognized for: He played chubby fraternity pledge Kent Dorfman (AKA Flounder) in the college comedy classic “Animal House.” Contrary to Dean Wormer’s criticism, it tuns out that ‘fat, drunk, & stupid’ does work out for some people. It just lacks a little longevity.
 

John G. Alvidsen –
Director, Oscar winner, montage enthusiast.
December 21, 1935 – June 16, 2017.
Aged 81 years.

Most recognized for: He gained Hollywood stud status as director of “Rocky,” only to flounder throughout the subsequent decade as helmsman of – not just one, but – all 3 “Karate Kid” movies. He returned to the fold to direct “Rocky V” in 1990, but we all know how that one turned out.

Helmut Kohl –
Ex-chancellor of Germany, EU architect, commie-hatin’ kraut.
April 3, 1930 – June 16, 2017.
Aged 87 years.

Most recognized for: Instrumental in the re-unification of Germany after the collapse of the Iron Curtain, he was often ridiculed for being portly and unsophisticated by his political detractors. But come on… the dude was known for holding day-long policy meetings with nothing but beer & sauerkraut on the table. Of course he’s gonna get fat & smelly. Would you rather have the Berlin Wall back?

Anita Pallenberg –
Actress, artist, rock-n-roll cum dumpster.
January 25, 1944 – June 13, 2017.
Aged 73 years.

Most recognized for: She had a handful of film appearances, including “Barbarella” and “Mister Lonely”… but she’s best known for her role as a spread pair of skyward-pointed legs for just about any member of The Rolling Stones. She banged Brian Jones, Mick Jagger, and ultimately Keith Richards… with whom she bore 3 children. One can only guess how fuuuucked up those kids are.