Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Der Kommissar - page 52

Der Kommissar has 760 articles published.

He’s Coming to Get You, Barbara!

in Hits & Misses by
“I’m the zombie godfather, fucker. Make a jab at me & yours will be the first house I visit after I crawl outta the county morgue.”
 

George A. Romero –
Filmmaker, author, zombie?
February 4, 1940 – July 16, 2017.
Aged 77 years.

Most recognized for: Zombies…. plain and simple. He co-wrote, produced, and directed “Night of the Living Dead” in 1968… and in doing so, created the Zombie film genre. Although he tried his hand at romantic comedies & sports documentaries, no one paid him any attention unless he was cranking out grizzly horror flicks. So he embraced his one-trick pony status and gave us 5 more gore-filled zombie movies.

This Post Will Self-Destruct in 5 Seconds

in Hits & Misses by
“No, I will not sign your Mission: Impossible 3 DVD.
I was a cast member of the classic TV show, not those Tom Cruise produced abortions.”

Martin Landau –
Actor, drama coach, creepy old fart.
June 20, 1928 – July 15, 2017.
Aged 89 years.

Most recognized for: Having appeared in over 100 movies and TV shows, Mr. Landau spent the bulk of his acting career in supporting roles. However, as an Actors Studio student turned faculty member, he could easily outshine any leading man… even Johnny Depp. His portrayal of aging horror legend Bela Legosi in “Ed Wood” earned him an Oscar in 1994. Johnny got shit.

Ain’t Got You, Babe

in Hits & Misses by
“Did anybody mention that I also played for the CFL?  If it ended in ‘FL,’ chances are that I pulled a paycheck from them at some point in time.”

Vito “Babe” Parilli –
Quarterback, coach, greaseball.
May 7, 1930 – July 15, 2017.
Aged 87 years.

Most recognized for: A two time All-American out of that asshole factory they call Kentucky, he played 16 years of pro football, 10 of which for the AFL prior to the NFL merge. In his last year, he managed to score a ring as Namath’s backup in Super Bowl III. From there, the spotlight definitely faded for the Babe, as he drifted into the obscurity of the WFL and AFL.

Fresh Kid on Ice

in Hits & Misses by
“I’m serious! It really is long!
Somebody please believe me!!”

Chris Wong Won A.K.A. Fresh Kid Ice –
Rapper, label owner, Chinaman.
May 29, 1964 – July 13, 2017.
Aged 53 years.

Most recognized for: A founding member of 2Live Crew, he was the only member to appear on all their albums. His 1992 solo record “The Chinaman” contained tender serenades such as “Dick ’em Down” and even delved into the sci-fi/fantasy genre with the thought-provoking “Long Dick Chinese.”

Red Carded

in Hits & Misses by
“It’s a parrot… not a canary
… and parrots don’t sing.
What exactly are you implying, sir?”
 

Chuck Blazer –
Soccer executive, “whistleblower,” Pirate Santa Claus.
April 26, 1945 – July 12, 2017.
Aged 72 years.

Most recognized for: FIFA & CONCACAF bigwig turned IRS & FBI informant, this wire-wearing bitch-boy exposed the shady dealings of international pro soccer’s governing bodies. As it turns out, he & his fellow FIFA honchos would accept million$ in bribes to sway their decision on where a ball gets kicked back & forth for a yawn-worthy 90 minutes. Money well spen’t.

Hard Guy Goes Soft

in Hits & Misses by
“You want me to play an undercover cop who teaches kindergarden?!  That’s the dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
 
 

Joe Robinson –
Actor, wrestler, poor-man’s Schwarzenegger of the 50’s &  60’s
May 31, 1927 – July 3, 2017.
Aged 90 years.

Most recognized for: “Tiger Joe” was an EHC wrestler who caught the acting bug. After being featured in a fitness documentary (a la “Pumping Iron,”) he started landing roles in shitty sword-and-sandal flicks, where he was shirtless 90% of the time. The peak of his visibility was his role as Bond villain Peter Franks in “Diamonds are Forever.” Diamonds may be, Joe… but you, not so much.

Fresh Outta Cocoa

in Hits & Misses by
“You wanna put what what in my butt?”
 

Nelsan Ellis –
Actor, playwright, bitch.
November 30, 1977 – July 8, 2017.
Aged 39 years.

Most recognized for: He played flamboyant short-order cook Lafayette Reynolds on the HBO series “True Blood.”  On the big screen, he popped up as stable hand Eddie Sweat in “Secretariat” and portrayed Martin Luther King Jr in Lee Daniels’ “The Butler.”  Even after winning a handful of acting awards, it turns out his heart wasn’t in it.

It’s Halftime!

in News & Updates by

Now, don’t get too excited. We’ve got no fancy dance numbers, no lip-syncing pop-tards, no fireworks or funny commercials, not even Janet Jackson’s right tittie… it’s just a recap of the action that’s taken place over the past 6 months.

It’s been slow & steady. Not a whole lotta hits, but they do trickle in from time to time. So far, we’ve seen 9 selections take the big dirt nap since January 1st.  Those dearly departed being: (in chronological order)

Those 9 corpses yielded a total of 733 points over 23 separate lists… which makes it sound just a touch more impressive. In the lead we have “J.Darr” (you people really need to come up with some creative pseudonyms) with 82 points and 2 hits. In 2nd place is “Doug Graves” (that’s more like it) with 75 points and 2 hits. Rounding out the top 3 is a 4 way tie between “C. Capps,” “B. Hollander,” “The Kim Reaper,” and “M. Poweleit” each with 55 points and a single hit. Up to date standings can be found – as always – on the leaderboard page.

The biggest disappointment of the first half: NO QUALIFIERS! By which we mean 3 or more hits on a single list, of course. Well… maybe not a “disappointment,” because that means it’s still anybody’s game…. but come on. Only 4 lists can boast 2 hits, while the rest on the leaderboard each only have a solitary notch on their scythes.

The year may be half over… but nobody has it locked in yet… and there’s plenty of time left on the clock. All it takes is for a couple of fresh bodies to drop for the game to change completely. Check the site for updates, follow us on Twitter, comment on death posts, and STAY TUNED. Will Stan Lee pull a Johnny Cash and throw in the towel soon after seeing his old lady bite the dust? Will Prince Phillip put an end to all this health-scare cock-teasing and move the fuck on? Will Shia Lebeouf accidentally drown himself in a koi pond filled with his own semen in some artsy publicity stunt gone horribly awry? Only time will tell. In the meantime, we’ll be watching… & waiting.

See you all in the 2nd half!
-Der Kommissar

Ball Hog Benched

in Hits & Misses by
“Why do I feel like I’m in a poster for a shitty van damme movie where he plays his own twin?”

Gene Conley –
MLB Pitcher, NBA Forward, Okie from Muskogee.
November 10, 1930 – July 4, 2017.
Aged 86 years.

Most recognized for: An over-talented show-off, he is one of only two professional sports folks to have played for championship winning teams in 2 of the 4 major American sports. In Gene’s case, he earned rings with The Milwaukee Braves in 1957 and the Boston Celtics in 1961. Way to go, Liberace.

Drummer Beats It

in Hits & Misses by
“They got ribs backstage? Hell yeah, dawg!”

John Blackwell Jr. –
Musician, Grammy nominee, skin beater.
September 9, 1973 – July 4, 2017.
Aged 43 years.

Most recognized for: His runs with Justin Timberlake, Bootsy Collins, D’Angelo, and P. Diddy all get overshadowed by the 12 years he spent in The New Power Generation. “Yeah… I play drums for Prince.” Drop that line and the panties come right off.

Artist Goes Underground

in Hits & Misses by
“SLAYER!!”
 

Heathcote Williams –
Actor, writer, whale hugger.
November 15, 1941 – July 1, 2017.
Aged 75 years.

Most recognized for: Enviro-political activist & artsy-fartsy madman, he published books, penned lyrics for recording artists, wrote plays, appeared in several films & TV shows, set himself on fire, made a fanboy out of Al Pacino, and even vandalized Buckingham Palace. Dude was legit.

Stevie Hangs it Up

in Hits & Misses by
“Could you help me find my bra? Last night was fun, but I really should get going.”
 

Stevie Ryan –
Actress, writer, goofy girl.
June 2, 1984 – July 1, 2017.
Aged 33 years.

Most recognized for: She gained YouTube notoriety for lampooning celebrities such as Amy Winehouse and Kim Kardashian. VH-1 took notice of the viral vixen and gave her the spotlight as writer/producer/star of her own sketch comedy show. “Stevie TV” ran for 2 seasons. Then, as her career seemed to get a bit hung up, so did she.

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