Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

Author

Der Kommissar - page 12

Der Kommissar has 760 articles published.

Seat Vacated

in Hits & Misses by
“Peee-eeww!
We’re definitely downwind from
Charm City today, boys & girls!”

Thomas V. Miller, Jr. –
Politician, country boy, Democrat.
December 3, 1942 – January 15, 2021.
Aged 78 years.

Most recognized for: For decades, he was the man to see in Maryland’s state capital, holding the president’s seat longer than any other state’s Senate in history. He often used colorful language to make his point, once calling Baltimore “a goddamn ghetto… It’s sh!t” during a televised news interview. But the white-haired staple of Annapolis had a bad prostate… which wound up getting him in the end.

Selected by: Deadpool Actuary

…and Poof

in Hits & Misses by
“Pssst.
Know anybody who wants to buy
some gently used jungle cat sex toys?”

Siegfried Fischbacher –
Entertainer, illusionist, kitty kraut.
June 13, 1939 – January 13, 2021.
Aged 81 years.

Most recognized for: He was the Siegfried in “Siegfried & Roy,” the infamously gay lions & tigers magic act. They were considered to be the single most successful entertainment attraction in Las Vegas history, with 30 years of sold out crowds under their fancy, sequinned leather belts. Then his boy Roy got mauled… first by one of their big, stupid cats, and then by COVID. Less than a year later, Mr. Fischbacher made his final disappearance.

Shelled Out

in Hits & Misses by
“If they’re republican, they get a million
towards their re-election campaign.
If they’re republican AND Jewish…”

Sheldon Adelson –
Businessman, billionaire, butthole.
August 4, 1933 – January 11, 2021.
Aged 87 years.

Most recognized for: Old Shelly was a hateful old sonofabitch. He hated online gambling, weed, Democrats, etc… He owned newspapers, a chunk of Las Vegas, and many in-office politicians. He’s been called a kingmaker, a casino magnate, the 17th richest person in the world, and finally, home to Shamayim.

Selected by: P Kizzle

Don’t Call a Plumber

in Hits & Misses by
“Was I convicted of having sex
with a 15 year old boy? Yeah…
But not because it’s wrong to ass-slam kids.
It’s all part of a homophobic conspiracy, you see?”

Ezra Nawi –
Activist, troublemaker, gay jew.
January 1, 1952 – January 9, 2021.
Aged 69 years.

Most recognized for: Somewhere in the midst of the never-ending dirt squabble between Israelis and Palestinians, was this guy. Once referred to as “a working-class, liberal, gay version of Joe the Plumber,” he was regularly in trouble with the law for offenses that blurred the lines between heroic and childish, noble and just plain stupid. But somehow, a world away, he made his mark on that incomprehensible skirmish. Here, that mark reads: “31 pts.”

Selected by: Deadpool Actuary

Benched

in Hits & Misses by
“My doctor recommended keto.
I said, “but I’m Italian.”
And that was the end of that conversation.”

Tommy Lasorda –
MLB pitcher, manager, Slim Faster.
September 22, 1927 – January 7, 2021.
Aged 93 years.

Most recognized for: When Tommy wasn’t running the Dodgers or making pointless TV show & commercial cameos, he was choking down meatball sandwiches and having heart attacks. It was a busy gig, but he owned it… for 93 years… right up to less than 2 hours after the DRCDP’s 2021 list submission cut-off.

Selected by: MPoweleit1, BGG, Death’s Dick, Raspus, Goble, J-Ro, and Tote Menschen

You Only Die Twice

in Hits & Misses by
“If you think it’ll get people to
buy tickets to that stupid fantasy movie
I just made, I’ll pose with whatever animal
you want, Mr. Hefner.”

Tanya Roberts –
Actress, Bond girl, Donna’s mom.
October 15, 1955 – January 4, 2021.
Aged 65 years.

Most recognized for: After starring as one of “Charlie’s Angels” for the series’ final season, she played wardrobe-challenged slave girl Kiri in the ’82 sword & sorcery sh!tshow “Beastmaster.” From there she earned a Razzie as a hairsprayed geologist in “A View to a Kill” and later became the hot mom next door on “That 70’s Show.” But after taking her dogs for a walk, the former Playmate mysteriously collapsed… and was first declared dead by her publicist. A day later, by her doctor.

Finnish’d

in Hits & Misses by
“It’s not finger nail polish…
it’s horn paint.”

Alexi Laiho –
Musician, shredder, child.
April 8, 1979 – January 3, 2021.
Aged 41 years.

Most recognized for: Alexi gained notoriety as frontman, vocalist, & lead guitar player for Finnish melodic death metal outfit Children of Bodom. His playing speed and intensity regularly awarded him high rankings on various “greatest ____ of all time” lists in guitar publications. But after a battle with “long-term health issues,” Mr. Laiho finally Bodom’d out.

Stick a Fork In It

in News & Updates by

At last. That godforsaken year is finally over. A global pandemic, endless election drama, lockdowns, looting, and Cyndi Fukking Lauper. Now that we’ve all been force-fed the last bite of that Filet-O-Sh!t, let us reflect upon what brought us the most joy in 2020. Alcohol. And – of course – celebrity corpses.

It was a busy year for the reaper… COVID notwithstanding. After a yawn-inducing 14 hits in 2019, participants in 2020’s pool called a whopping 32 shots. In the end, one player saw 8 of 12 names crossed off of their list. With a record-setting score of 315 points, Tote Menschen is The Dead Reckoner Celebrity Dead Pool Champion for 2020 [cue the fanfare and confetti cannons.] May we all pause to expel a guttural groan in celebration of this glorious achievement. A prize package valued at 2 hundred & some-odd dollars is on its way… only to soon be squandered on fancy beers and vape pens. When asked for a statement, Mr. Menschen stated simply, “at least Abra Cadaver won’t be getting his hat trick.” Rounding out the top 3 are Abra Cadaver with 183 points, 7 hits and Pille with 158 points, 6 hits.

OK… fukk those clowns. Let’s move on. We are currently in the Dead Zone… and will be until the 2021 season opens Thursday night at midnight. That, of course, is the deadline for list submission. YOU MUST ENTER BY 12AM EST, 1/8/2021. Contrary to what you might read or interpret from any other communications, WE WILL NOT BE ACCEPTING LISTS ON FRIDAY THE 8th. You can enter as often as you like, but just be prepared to fork over 10 bucks for each list you fill out. Deadbeats will be shamed… publicly and most viciously.

In a brief and uncharacteristic moment of solemnity, we at the Dead Reckoner wish to express our support for all first-responders, healthcare providers, law enforcement, essential service workers, and any Joe-six-packs out there who are actively confronting or have been effected by COVID-19. If you don’t personally know someone who has been impacted by now, chances are that you will before it’s all over. We just hope that you’re not friends or family with any celebrities, as that could make for some awkwardness… and an advantage. Moment over.

Get your lists in and let’s get on with 2021!
Enter HERE… RIGHT NOW!

-Der Kommisssar

The Short List – Dec ’20

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

December 1, 2020
  • Hugh Keays-Byrne – Aged 73 years. Australian actor who played the villain in 2 Mad Max films.
  • Arnie Robinson Jr. – Aged 72 years. Gold medal winning Olympic long jumper.
December 2, 2020
  • Frank Carney – Aged 82 years. Entrepreneur, co-founder of Pizza Hut.
  • Warren Berlinger – Aged 83 years. American character actor of stage & screen.
  • Refer Johnson – Aged 86 years. Gold medal decathlete and actor who tackled Sirhan Sirhan moments after he shot RFK.
  • Valéry Giscard d’Estaing – Aged 94 years. Former president of France.
  • Pat Patterson – Aged 79 years. First openly gay pro wrestler and creator of the Royal Rumble match.
  • Pamela Tiffin – Aged 78 years. Golden Globe nominated American actress who found added success in Italy.
  • Richard Corben – Aged 80 years. Award-winning illustrator whose comics were featured in Heavy Metal magazine.
December 3, 2020
  • Alison Lurie – Aged 94 years. Pulitzer Prize winning novelist.
  • Marv Marinovich – Aged 81 years. NFL lineman, strength/conditioning coach, and asshole dad.
December 4, 2020
  • David Lander – Aged 73 years. American comedian & Actor wo played Squiggy from “Laverne & Shirley.”
December 5, 2020
  • Peter Alliss – Aged 89 years. Links legend turned broadcaster, known as “The Voice of Golf.”
December 6, 2020
December 7, 2020
  • Natalie Desselle Reid – Aged 53 years. TV and film actress from “B.A.P.S.” and “Madea’s Big… Stupid… Whatever.”
  • Dick Allen – Aged 78 years. MLB All-Star, NL MVP, and musician.
December 8, 2020
  • Harold Budd – Aged 84 years. Avant-garde composer known for work with Brian Eno & Robin Guthrie.
December 9, 2020
  • Ray Perkins – Aged 79 years. NFL WR (Colts) and NCAA coach (Alabama.)
  • Paolo Rossi – Aged 64 years. Italian striker who led Italy to the 1982 FIFA World Cup title.
  • Alex Olmedo – Aged 84 years. Pro tennis player & 1959 Wimbledon champ.
  • Phil Linz – Aged 81 years. Utility player for the Yankees made famous for the “Harmonica Incident.”
December 10, 2020
  • Carol Sutton – Aged 76 years. American actress seen in “Steel Magnolias,” “Monsters Ball,” and “Ray.”
December 11, 2020
  • Kim Ki-duk – Aged 59 years. South Korean art-house film director.
December 12, 2020
  • John le Carré – Aged 89 years. Ex-MI6 operative turned British spy novel author.
  • Ann Reinking – Aged 71 years. American actress, dancer, and choreographer of stage & screen.
December 13, 2020
  • Sal Rocca – Aged 74 years. American politician from Michigan.
  • Catie Lazarus – Aged 44 years. American writer, comedian, and talk show host.
December 14, 2020
  • Earl Hutto – Aged 94 years. American politician who represented Florida’s 1st district.
December 15, 2020
December 16, 2020
December 17, 2020
  • Jeremy Bulloch – Aged 75 years. English film & TV actor who played Boba Fett in the original “Star Wars” trilogy.
December 18, 2020
  • William Winter – Aged 97 years. Former Governor of Mississippi.
  • Roger_Berlind – Aged 90 years. American businessman and award-winning theatrical producer.
December 19, 2020
  • Rosalind Knight – Aged 87 years. English actress with 70+ years in showbiz.
December 20, 2020
  • Chad Stuart – Aged 79 years. Half of the English musical duo Chad & Jeremy.
December 21, 2020
  • Kevin Greene – Aged 58 years. Hall of Fame linebacker with 3rd most sacks in NFL history.
  • K.T. Oslin – Aged 78 years. American country music singer/songwriter known for her country hit single “80’s Ladies.”
December 22, 2020
  • Leslie West – Aged 75 years. Founding member and vocalist for classic rockers Mountain.
  • Stella Tennant – Aged 50 years. British model and fashion designer.
December 23, 2020
  • Rebecca Luker – Aged 59 years. American Broadway actress, singer, and Tony Award nominee.
  • John Edrich – Aged 83 years. English first-class cricketer regraded as one of the world’s best batsmen.
  • John “Ecstasy” Fletcher – Aged 56 years. Rapper & co-founder of hip-hop legends Whodini.
December 24, 2020
  • Danny Hodge – Aged 88 years. American pro wrestler and Olympic boxer.
December 25, 2020
  • Michael Alig – Aged 56 years. Club promoter, murderer known as the “Club Kid Killer.”
  • K.C. Jones – Aged 88 years. NBA player, coach, & Celtics legend.
  • Tony Rice – Aged 69 years. American guitarist and bluegrass musician.
December 26, 2020
  • Phil Niekro – Aged 81 years. 5X Golden Glove winning knuckleball pitcher.
  • Jonathan Huber – Aged 41 years. Bearded wrestler known under ring names Luke Harper (WWE) and Brodie Lee (AEW.)
December 27, 2020
  • Loyd Phillips – Aged 75 years. Outland Trophy winning Razorback and defensive end for the Chicago Bears.
December 28, 2020
  • Armando Manzanero – Aged 85 years. Grammy winning Mexican Mayan musician, singer, composer, actor and music producer.
December 29, 2020
  • William Link – Aged 87 years. Award winning screenwriter, producer, and collaborator with Richard Levinson.
  • Dzhambulat Khatokhov – Aged 21 years. World’s fattest child.
  • Joe Louis Clark – Aged 82 years. Real-life Eastside High principal played by Morgan Freeman in “Lean on Me.”
December 30, 2020
  • Alto Reed – Aged 72 years. Sax player, member of Bob Seger’s Silver Bullet Band.
  • Shabba Doo – Aged 65 years. Actor, dancer, & choreographer who starred in Breakin’ 1 & 2.
December 31, 2020
  • MF Doom – Aged 49 years. Masked rapper.
  • Robert Hossein – Aged 93 years. French film actor & director.

Cast Away

in Hits & Misses by
“There’s no dope on this island?!?
You’re sh!tting me!”

Dawn Wells –
Actress, humanitarian, spud girl.
October 18, 1938 – December 30, 2020.
Aged 82 years.

Most recognized for: Dawn played the pig-tailed girl-next-door on “Gilligan’s Island”… but Mary Ann also liked to play around with Mary Jane. She had a few weed-related run-ins with the law, including driving around stoned and shipping pot through the mail to cast mate Bob Denver. But after a battle with the ‘Rona, Dawn ultimately went dusk.

Out of Fashion

in Hits & Misses by
“Have I seen “Queer eye?”
I practically invented it,
silly ass.”

Pierre Cardin –
Designer, brand name, wop frog.
July 2, 1922 – December 29, 2020.
Aged 98 years.

Most recognized for: In the arrogant world of French high fashion, he was a god… a great, gay, bubble dress-making god who could do no wrong… except maybe design a series of hideous interiors for AMC Javelins in the early 70’s. Over the years, he slapped his name on everything from underwear to cigarettes.. to the point where his attempt to sell the brand was largely met with a “pass” in 2011. By the decade’s end, he passed on it too.

Permanent Weekend

in Hits & Misses by
“If there wasn’t a script to follow,
you know damn well who would have won, Hogan!
The same goes for you too, Ice Cube!
Bitches!”

Tom “Tiny” Lister –
Actor, wrestler, monocular monolith.
June 24, 1958 — December 10, 2020.
Aged 62 years.

Most recognized for: Since the mid 80’s, whenever casting directors needed a big, scary-lookin’ black dude, Mr. Lister’s phone would ring. His role as Hulk Hogan’s antagonist Zeus in the wrestling flick “No Holds Barred” segued into a monster heel gig in the WWF. He also appeared in “The Dark Knight,” “The Fifth Element,” and “Jackie Brown.” But on top of the ‘Beetus, he got the ‘Rona… and eventually, Deebo saw his last “Friday.”

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