Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

Author

Der Kommissar - page 6

Der Kommissar has 760 articles published.

Survey Says…

in Hits & Misses by
“Who you calling ‘fat lady?!’
Oh yeah… that’s me, alright.”

Louie Anderson –
Comedian, actor, basket case.
March 24, 1953 – January 21, 2022
Aged 68 years.

Most recognized for: A gap-toothed tub from the Midwest, Mr. Anderson hit it big doing stand-up. From there, he washed lettuce in “Coming to America,” created the Emmy-winning cartoon series “Life with Louie,” hosted “Family Feud” for a few years, and threw on a dress & wig to play a twisted family matriarch on “Baskets.” But after a quiet bout with lymphoma, this fat lady finally sang.

Insignificant Other

in Hits & Misses by
“I used to pack a chainsaw, but it made
the dismemberment process just too damn messy.
Hacksaws and paring knives are really where it’s at.
Wait… did I just say that out loud?
Is this mic on?”

Robert Durst –
Rich kid, murderer, lesser evil?
April 12, 1943 – January 10, 2022.
Aged 78 years.

Most recognized for: You remember that syphilitic sock puppet who sang for Limp Bizkit? Well, that’s Fred… another Durst… who’s still alive, unfortunately. Robert, on the other hand, actually had some skills… specifically in the department of making folks disappear. He just really sucked at managing the details… like body parts, paper trails, and his own big, fat mouth. So he wound up dying in prison. We can only pray a similar fate befalls Fred. But for that, you gotta have faith.

How I Met the Reaper

in Hits & Misses by
“Hey there…
how’d you like to make $10,000…
the hard way?”

Bob Saget –
Comedian, actor, aristocrat.
May 17, 1956 – January 9, 2022.
Aged 65 years.

Most recognized for: A staple of family TV in the 80’s & 90’s, Bob was America’s wholesome source for lame dad jokes and groin injury home videos. Meanwhile, in the comedy clubs, he was a shameless font of four-letter words and purveyor of the bluest comedy. But after checking into a Ritz-Carlton between gigs in Florida, Mr. Sagat mysteriously checked out.

Roll on ’22

in News & Updates by

We’re juiced up and ready to rip, folks. All lists and selections have been uploaded to the site. Enrollment was a bit low this year, but we’re thankful for the twisted company we’ve kept. To all the players… thank you. And to the spectators: while having an audience is appreciated, get a fukken helmet next year!

A notice will soon be going out to y’all individually as a reminder of where to send your “membership & processing fees.” So pay the good Doctor and let’s get on with the sh!t show.

God luck & good speed –
Der Kommissar

The Short List – December ’21

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

December 1, 2021
  • Grand Jojo – Aged 85 years. Belgian singer-songwriter with a ridiculous stage name.
December 2, 2021
  • Darlene Hard – Aged 85 years. American pro tennis player with multiple singles & doubles championship titles.
December 3, 2021
  • Claude Humphrey – Aged 77 years. Hall of Fame NFL defensive end for the Falcons & the Eagles.
December 4, 2021
  • Stonewall Jackson – Aged 89 years. Country musician from the 50’s-60’s golden era of honky tonk.
December 5, 2021
  • Bill Glass – Aged 86 years. 4X Pro-bowl defensive end for the Cleveland Browns.
December 6, 2021
  • Kåre Willoch – Aged 93 years. 30th prime minister of Norway.
December 7, 2021
  • NAME – Aged 64 years. Musician & author dubbed “the Godfather of hip hop journalism.”
December 8, 2021
  • Robbie Shakespeare – Aged 68 years. Jamaican musician and session bassist.
  • Gil Bridges – Aged 80 years. Sax player for Detroit rockers Rare Earth.
  • Blackjack Lanza – Aged 86 years. Pro wrestler, one-half of tag team The Blackjacks.
  • Barry Harris – Aged 91 years. American jazz pianist, bandleader, & bebop proponent.
  • Ralph Tavares – Aged 79 years. Vocalist for family R&B/soul/disco act Tavares.
December 9, 2021
  • Al Unser – Aged 82 years. Pro racing driver, 4X Indy 500 champ.
  • Demaryius Thomas – Aged 33 years. 4X Pro Bowl RB for Denver’s Super Bowl 50 team.
  • Larry Sellers – Aged 72 years. Native American actor from “Dr. Quinn, medicine Woman.”
  • Carmen Salinas – Aged 82 years. Mexican actress turned politician.
  • Cara Williams – Aged 96 years. Oscar & Emmy-nominated American film & TV actress.
December 10, 2021
  • Les Emmerson – Aged 77 years. Singer/guitarist for Five Man Electrical Band who originally wrote Tesla’s hit “Signs.”
December 11, 2021
  • Anne Rice – Aged 80 years. American author who penned “The Vampire Chronicles”.
  • Manuel Santana – Aged 83 years. US Open & Wimbeldon winning tennis player.
  • Jack Hedley – Aged 92 years. British actor who appeared in “For Your Eyes Only.”
December 12, 2021
  • Roland Hemond – Aged 92 years. GM and award-winning executive for multiple MLB teams.
  • Vicente Fernández – Aged 81 years. Grammy-winning Mexican musician and cultural icon.
  • James Guffney – Aged 39 years. TNA Pro wrestler known by the ring name “Jimmy Rave.”
December 13, 2021
  • Joe Simon – Aged 85 years. Grammy-winning R&B musician & vocalist.
  • Blackberri – Aged 76 years. Gay black wierdo.
December 14, 2021
  • Ken Kragen – Aged 85 years. Music manager & producer who organized We Are the World and Hands Across America.
December 15, 2021
  • Len Hauss – Aged 79 years. 5X Pro-bowl center for the Washington Redskins… yes, the fukking REDSKINS.
  • Wanda Young – Aged 78 years. Lead singer of Motown’s The Marvelettes.
  • Bridget Hanley – Aged 80 years. TV actress with featured roles on “Here Come the Brides” and “Harper Valley PTA.”
December 16, 2021
  • George Gekas – Aged 91 years. Pennsylvania Congressman fror 20 years.
  • Hub – Aged 62 years. Original bass player for The Roots.
  • Alan B. Scott – Aged 89 years. Inventor of Botox.
December 17, 2021
  • Harry Jacobs – Aged 84 years. All-star linebacker for the Bills.
December 18, 2021
  • Kangol Kid – Aged 55 years. American hip hop producer, songwriter, break dancer, and emcee.
December 19, 2021
  • Drakeo the Ruler – Aged 28 years. Another dipsh!t rap star.
  • Sally Ann Howes – Aged 91 years. Stage, screen, & TV actress over 6 ecades, played Truly Scrumptious in “Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.”
  • Billy Conway – Aged 65 years. Drummer for Morphine.
  • Nicholas Georgiade – Aged 88 years. Actor who was Agent Rico Rossi on TV’s “The Untouchables.”
December 20, 2021
December 21, 2021
  • Anthony Williams – Aged 90 years. Steel pan musician also known as “Muffman.”
December 22, 2021
December 23, 2021
December 24, 2021
  • JD Crowe – Aged 84 years. American banjo player and bluegrass band leader.
December 25, 2021
  • Candy Palmater – Aged 53 years. Canadian comedian & actress seen on “Trailer Park Boys.”
December 26, 2021
December 27, 2021
  • Bruce Davis – Aged 65 years. NFL lineman for the Raiders early-80’s Super Bowl teams.
December 28, 2021
December 29, 2021
December 30, 2021
  • Sam Jones – Aged 88 years. Hall of Fame NBA guard with 10 championship rings.
December 31, 2021
  • Fred Cone – Aged 95 years. NFL fullback & placekicker and Packers’ Hall of Famer.

 

 

 

 

Stay Golden

in Hits & Misses by
“Ha ha! One point!
That’s all you get, bitches!”

Betty White –
Actress, comedian, old broad.
January 17, 1922 – December 31, 2021.
Aged 99 years.

Most recognized for: Betty was a TV pioneer with a Guinness record-setting, multiple award-winning career that spanned 7 decades. She was the last surviving main cast member of “The Mary Tyler Moore Show” & “Golden Girls” and – at 88 – the oldest host of SNL. But just 17 days before her 100th birthday, Betty bit the bullet.

Selected by: Dr. Death, Talophex, Kickthebuckethead

Rules Update for ’22

in News & Updates by

Buzzkill Alert: The selection field of sports & politics has been a long-abused sea of haystacks with too many goddamned needles. So we’re gonna reign things in a bit.

SPORTS PLAYERS:
British cricketeers, Slavic soccer players, Kiwi rugby clowns… the world of sports is just too fukken big. We’re gonna stick to North American Pro Sports: NFL, MLB, NHL, NBA, MLS, and if you absolutely must, CFL. Additionally, (and this is the really important part) selections must have achieved some level of career status in their sport. A title, a record, an award, All-star status, or an immediate association with some aspect of the game. For example: Pro-bowler, All-star, Rookie of the year, MVP, Hall of Famer, youngest/oldest, first black/last white, whatever. So it can’t be a relief pitcher who bounced between the minors & majors for 2 years only to “retire” and become a used car salesman in his mid-20’s. Or some 2nd string O-lineman who played for 5 teams in as many years before pursuing his passions for substance and spousal abuse full time. They have to have done SOMETHING other than have their mug printed on a trading card.

Now… the torch-bearing mob at my door has a question: “What about other sports? Golf players? Tennis players? NASCAR drivers? Pro Wrestlers?” Yeah, yeah… I know… this is opening an enormous can of worms. Yes you can pick them. But again let me reiterate: title, record, award, status, or immediate association with the sport. I’m not trying to eliminate sports… just trying to make the world of corpses I need to keep an eye out for just a little smaller AND hone in a bit on CELEBRITY status… which – trust me – is astronomically subjective and difficult.

POLITICIANS:
On the US side, we’re keeping it strictly federal. Presidents, first ladies, VP’s, senators, representatives, Supreme Court justices, cabinet members & press secretaries… past and present…all fair game. US state/territory governors – although technically not federal – will also be allowed. City mayors, elected county officials, state congress members, town sanitation commissioners… nope. Outside of the US, heads of state and royals – past and present – are legit picks. But we’re not getting as granular as members of foreign Parliament, political parties or activist groups. Call this the “Ezra Nawi Rule” if you like.

So that’s it. I had grand schemes to clarify sh!t even further this year, but that’s all I had time for. If you have any issues with the above, please feel free to contact the DRCDP Give-a-fukk Department… which unfortunately was downsized long, long ago. Old Crankypants has spoken. The Rules & Reg’s page has been updated accordingly. Get your lists in… you have a week. Good luck to all.
-Der Kommissar

Reid the Fine Print

in Hits & Misses by
“Like I told that clerk at Popeye’s:
I like light skinned ! Light skinned, you hear?
I don’t want none of that dark meat!”

Harry Ried –
Senator, lawyer, democrat.
December 2, 1939 – December 28, 2021.
Aged 82 years.

Most recognized for: Politicians hate a filibuster… unless it’s their party that’s doing the filibustering. As majority Leader, Harry invoked the “nuclear option” in 2013 to end a Republican filibuster. Years later, the move became the precedent used to end a Democratic filibuster and appoint Trump’s Supreme Court justices.

Selected by: Pille

Tombed Raider

in Hits & Misses by
“Last meal request? That’s easy.
A turducken… served on
Lambeau’s 50 by a nude Bret Farve.
Boom!”

John Madden –
NFL coach, commentator, corn pone.
April 10, 1936 – December 28, 2021.
Aged 85 years.

Most recognized for: John called the shots for the Oakland Raiders throughout the 70’s, where he set records and reeled in a Super Bowl championship. What followed was a successful career on television… where he pimped foot cream, steakhouses, light beer, video games, and Bret Favre. But less than 3 days after Fox aired a documentary on his life, Mr. Madden was off the air for good.

Selected by: Goble & Hog 1

Ta-ta to Tutu

in Hits & Misses by
“Racial tension somewhere?
I smell paid appearances and
lotsa Skymiles coming my way!”

Desmond Tutu –
Bishop, author, blacktivist.
October 7, 1931 – December 26, 2021.
Aged 90 years.

Most recognized for: Desmond was an Anglican bishop who played a central role in dismantling South Africa’s Apartheid. But give somebody a Nobel Peace Prize and suddenly they think they can solve the rest of the world’s problems too. Civil skirmishes around the globe frequently bore the shadow of his opinions and posturing. But now, he’s solely focused on the underground in Cape Town.

Selected by: MPoweleit1, Schlitz, & Hog 2

Johnny Go Lately

in Hits & Misses by
“I’ve been told that I have one helluva handshake.
What’s my secret? Well… Between you & I,
I just let the Parkinsons do all the work.”

Johnny Isakson –
Politician, Republican, Bulldog.
December 28, 1944 – December 19, 2021.
Aged 76 years.

Most recognized for: Johnny was a Georgia congressman for nearly 6 years before being elected to the Senate in 2004… where he faithfully carried the GOP torch and became the longest serving Senator in the state’s history. But an advanced case of Parkinsons left the old Georgia boy feeling a little less than peachy… and he gave up his seat in December of 2019. 2 years later, he gave up everything else.

Selected by: MPoweleit2

A Little Less Monkee Business

in Hits & Misses by
“I doubt this’ll be be the last you’ll hear of me…
as I’d imagine my name will come up again
when Mickey Dolenz kicks the bucket.
Then… that oughta be the last.”

Michael Nesmith –
Musician, actor, hat head.
December 30, 1942 – December 10, 2021.
Aged 78 years.

Most recognized for: He was the knit wool cap wearing member of The Monkees who grew frustrated with the band’s made-for-TV image and left to pursue other interests… like making TV. His 1985 show “Television Parts” helped launch the careers of several comedians, including Jerry Seinfeld, Garry Shandling, and Jack Handey. Though hesitant at first, he would later participate in several Monkee reunions… with one more in the works. They’re just waiting on Mickey for this one.

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