Celebrity Dead Pool News for the Ghoulish and Depraved

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Hits & Misses - page 10

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.

There’s the Beef

in Hits & Misses by
“I figure having a woman on the ballot
is the only chance I have. Beyond that,
I’d have to resort to cheating, haha!”

Walter Mondale –
Politician, ex-Veep, ass man.
January 5, 1928 – April 19, 2021.
Aged 93 years.

Most recognized for: Walt was a Dem’s Dem. His blood ran so goddamned blue, he could give an anemic donkey a transfusion. After serving as Jimmy Carter’s #2, he decided to run for #1 in the ’84 election. But even with a female, pro-choice catholic as his running mate, Mr. Mondale lost by a landslide to incumbent Ronald Reagan… ushering in 4 more years of nuclear escalation, crack on every street corner, and good ol’ Reaganomics.

Bern in Hell

in Hits & Misses by
“I especially enjoyed taking
Steven Spielberg’s money.
If you paid to see that last
Indiana Jones movie,
you would too.”

Bernie Madoff –
Financier, philanthropist, fraudster.
April 29, 1938 – April 14, 2021.
Aged 82 years.

Most recognized for: A law school drop-out from Queens, his modest penny stock brokerage became a Wall Street powerhouse by the mid-80’s. Unfortunately, the asset management portion of his firm was – to quote the man himself – “one big lie.” His clients lost 18 billion bucks in the largest Ponzi scheme in world history… earning Mr. Madoff a 150 year sentence in the federal slammer. So now he’s getting out a little early… but not exactly the way his legal team had hoped.

Selected by: Abra Cadaver & Goble

Royal Flush

in Hits & Misses by
“Hmmmm….
Canada.
Why exactly am I supposed to
give a fukk about this
ghastly place again?”
 

Prince Philip –
Duke, Dane, dick.
June 10, 1921 – April 9, 2021.
Aged 99 years.

Most recognized for: In the idiotically uptight world of the British monarchy, Phil was a notorious sh!t stirrer and gaffe machine. Women, children, cripples, Asians… nobody was immune from his deliciously blunt and insensitive epithets. Perhaps it was his way of getting attention… as his puny, princely existence seemed eclipsed by his wife’s sovereignty. But as long as his grandson’s camera-hogging jezebel doesn’t crash the funeral, Phil will finally have his moment to shine.

Selected by: MPoweleit1, Kappy, Kim Reaper, Pille

Time’s Up (in Here)

in Hits & Misses by
“To the children of the world…
don’t do drugs, stay in school,
get a job, and pay your taxes.
Otherwise, you might wind up like me…
a Def Leppard fan.”

DMX –
Rapper, actor, deadbeat.
December 18, 1970 – April 9, 2021.
Aged 50 years.

Most recognized for: Good ol’ Earl Simmons spent more time behind bars than he did in front of a microphone. Drugs, theft, assault, animal cruelty, carjacking, dodging child support… it’s amazing that he ever had time to find a rhyme with all the dumb sh!t he was up to. But just before changing his home state from New York to Vegetative, Mr. X bestowed a lone act generous nobility… by doing his part to help curb the Narcan shortage in his community.

Paid in Full

in Hits & Misses by
“If that briefcase you’re holding
happens to be full of cash,
you have my undivided attention.”

Alcee Hastings –
Congressman, ex-judge, greased palm.
September 5, 1936 – April 6, 2021.
Aged 84 years.

Most recognized for: Even after being nominated by Jimmy Carter to a cushy US District Court seat, Alcee was still looking for a handout… in the form of bribes from mobsters in exchange for lighter sentencing. Impeached for bribery and perjury but narrowly escaping jail time, he did what just about any disgraced public figure would do next: run for office.

Selected by: MPoweleit2, Raspus, DP Actuary, Everything Went Black

The Short List – March ’21

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

March 1, 2021
  • Ralph Peterson Jr. – Aged 58 years. American jazz drummer and bandleader.
  • John “Ian” St John – Aged 82 years. Scottish professional football player, coach and broadcaster.
  • Vernon Jordan – Aged 85 years. American business executive, civil rights activist, & Clintonista.
March 2, 2021
  • Bunny Wailer – Aged 73 years. Grammy-winning reggae musician and Bob Marley collaborator.
March 3, 2021
March 4, 2021
  • Bhaskar Menon – Aged 86 years. Music industry executive who backed “The Dark Side of the Moon.”
  • Tony Hedra – Aged 79 years. English actor & writer who helmed National Lampoon and played Spinal Tap’s manager Ian Faith.
March 5, 2021
  • David Bailie – Aged 83 years. South Afican actor who played the mute pirate Cotton in the Pirates of the Caribbean series.
March 6, 2021
  • Lou Ottens – Aged 94 years. Dutch inventor who gave us the cassette tape.
March 7, 2021
March 8, 2021
  • Rhéal Cormier – Aged 53 years. MLB relief pitcher and Canadian Baseball Hall of Fame inductee.
  • Leon Gast – Aged 84 years. Oscar-winning documentary filmmaker.
March 9, 2021
  • Cliff Simon – Aged 58 years. South African athlete and actor, known as Ba’al on TV’s “Stargate SG-1.”
March 10, 2021
March 11, 2021
  • Ray Campi – Aged 86 years. Double-bass playing musician nicknamed “The King of Rockabilly”.
March 12, 2021
  • Ronald DeFeo Jr. – Aged 69 years. Long Island mass murderer who inspired “The Amityville Horror.”
March 13, 2021
  • Murray Walker – Aged 97 years. English Formula 1 commentator and journalist.
March 14, 2021
  • Frankie de la Cruz – Aged 37 years. MLB pitcher who went on to play in various leagues around the world.
  • Rusty Tillman – Aged 75 years. NFL linebacker and XFL coach.
  • Henry Darrow – Aged 87 years. Emmy-winning TV actor known for roles in “The High Chaparral,” “Zorro,” and “Santa Barbara.”

 

 

March 15, 2021
March 16, 2021
  • Sabine Schmitz – Aged 51 years. German pro race driver, known as as the ‘Queen of the Ring.’
  • Moudud Ahmed – Aged 80 years. 7th Prime Minister of Bangladesh.
March 17, 2021
March 18, 2021
  • Paul Jackson – Aged 73 years. Founding bassist for Herbie Hancock’s jazz-fusion band The Headhunters.
  • Richard Gilliland – Aged 71 years. TV/film actor seen in “Airplane II: The Sequel” and “Designing Women.”
March 19, 2021
  • Barry Orton – Aged 62 years. Pro wrestler and member of the noted Orton family of wresters.
March 20, 2021
  • Peter Lorimer – Aged 74 years. Scottish pro soccer player & record-holder with Leeds United.
March 21, 2021
  • Robina Asti – Aged 99 years. Womens’ rights activist and 2X Guinness record holder for oldest active pilot and active flight instructor.
March 22, 2021
  • Elgin Baylor – Aged 86 years. Pro basketball player, coach, & Lakers legend.
March 23, 2021
  • Don Heffington – Aged 70 years. In-demand session drummer and original member of Lone Justice.
  • George Segal – Aged 87 years. Oscar-nominated & Golden Globe winning actor best known for roles on TV’s “Just Shoot Me” and “The Goldbergs.”
March 24, 2021
  • Jessica Walter – Aged 80 years. Award-winning actress in Eastwood’s “Play Misty for Me” and Tv’s “Arrested Development.”
  • Craig “muMs da Schemer” Grant – Aged 52 years. Actor & poet from HBO’s “Oz” who also played Lysol on “Chappelle’s Show.”
March 25, 2021
  • Bill Brock – Aged 90 years. Former US congressman and Regan administration cabinet member.
  • Bobby Brown – Aged 96 years. Yankees 3rd baseman who also served as AL president.
  • Stan Albeck – Aged 89 years. NBA & ABA coach.
  • Bertrand Tavernier – Aged 79 years. French actor & filmmaker who brought us “Round Midnight.”
March 26, 2021
  • Mike Bell – Aged 46 years. Reds 3rd baseman and Twins bench coach.
March 27, 2021
  • Petr Kellner – Aged 56 years. Czech billionaire and state’s richest person.
  • Howard Schnellenberger – Aged 87 years. NFL/NCAA football coach who led U of Miami to the national title in 1983.
March 28, 2021
  • Malcolm Cecil – Aged 84 years. British jazz bassist and Grammy Award-winning record producer.
  • Didier Ratsiraka – Aged 84 years. Longest serving president of Madagascar.
March 29, 2021
  • Bibian Mentel – Aged 48 years. Winter Paralympics gold-medalist & 5X world para-snowboarding champion.
  • Sarah Onyango Obama – Aged 99 years. Obammy’s step-grammy. Not a valid pick (by our rules) but the world somehow thinks her passage is “news.”
March 30, 2021
  • Myra Frances – Aged 78 years. Actress credited for half of British TV’s first lesbian kiss.
March 31, 2021

CemeteryGate

in Hits & Misses by
“Wow. An obit that didn’t
once mention the word ‘Watergate.’
Dammit! I just said it!”

G. Gordon Liddy –
Ex-G-man, convicted felon, cue ball.
November 30, 1930 – March 30, 2021.
Aged 90 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Liddy’s tortuous job history is a wonder to behold: Korean War artillery officer, lawyer, drug-raid leader for the FBI, White House “plumber”, federal prison inmate, author, actor, Wrestlemania referee, game show guest celebrity, debate panelist, gold commercial pitchman, and syndicated radio talk show host. Somewhere in there he did some dirty sh!t for Richard Nixon, but we can’t quite recall what it was or where it took place.

Written Off

in Hits & Misses by
“(sniff) You fart, Bev?”
 
“Watch it, kid. I’ve got a crawlspace packed with smartassed little whipper-snappers like you.”

Larry McMurty & Beverly Cleary –
Authors, award winners, old farts.
6/3/1936 & 4/12/1916 – 3/25/2021.
Aged 84 & 104 years.

Most recognized for: Larry’s work was regularly adapted for film or TV… most notably “Lonesome Dove,” “The Last Picture Show,” and everybody’s favorite gay cowboy movie “Brokeback Mountain.” Beverly, on the other hand, wrote for the kiddie crowd…. penning the Ramona Quimby and Ralph S. Mouse children’s series. Both earned dozens of big awards over the course of their careers…. and both went the way of the typewriter on a Thursday in late March.

… and Let Die

in Hits & Misses by
“Well… at least I got to see
that ‘Coming to America’ sequel
before I turned in my dinner pail.
I’m finished, lord.”

Yaphet Kotto –
Actor, bond villain, TV G.
November 15, 1939 – March 15, 2021.
Aged 81 years.

Most recognized for: Between Broadway & prime time TV, he’s played Othello, Idi Amin, and at least a dozen different bitter cops & black cowboys, but a few key film roles punctuated his winding career. He was a Nostromo crew member in “Alien,” mortally wounded by Buzzsaw in “The Running Man,” and keeper of Solitaire’s psychic virginity in “Live and Let Die.” But eventually, the former “Homicide” star got his final curtain call in the Philippines.

Selected by: Everything Went Black

Marvel-less

in Hits & Misses by
“What’s this I hear about
Tommy Hearns runnin’-off
at the mouth again?”
 

Marvelous Marvin Hagler –
Boxer, actor, anti-vaxxer’s wet dream.
May 23, 1954 – March 13, 2021.
Aged 66 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Hagler reigned as undisputed middleweight champ for 6½ years of the 80’s. His split decision loss to Sugar Ray Leonard remains one of pro boxing’s most hotly disputed outcomes. Fed up with waiting for a rematch, he retired and moved to Milan… where he got into making sh!tty Italian action movies. But after rumored to be struggling with vaccination side effects, he passed away of natural causes… creating another disputable entry in Marv’s loss column.

The Short List – Feb ’21

in Hits & Misses/News & Updates by

Each month, we list the unselected dead celebs we either didn’t have time to report on… or who were just too boring to malign. So in case you were wondering “whatever happened to,” this monthly post may give you some unexpected closure.

February 1, 2021
  • Ricky Powell – Aged 59 years. Renowned hip-hop photographer and correspondent.
  • John Sweeney – Aged 86 years. AFL-CIO President Emeritus.
February 2, 2021
  • Rennie Davis – Aged 80 years. Activist, member of the Chicago Seven.
  • Albert Hale – Aged 70 years. Politician, former head of the Navajo Nation.
  • Grant Jackson – Aged 78 years. Winning pitcher for game 7 of the ’79 World Series.
February 3, 2021
  • Jim Weatherly – Aged 77 years. Pop/country singer/songwriter from the 70’s.
February 4, 2021
  • Nolan Porter – Aged 71 years. American R&B singer and songwriter known for “Keep On Keepin’ On.”
February 5, 2021
  • Charlie Krueger – Aged 84 years. Hall of Fame NFL tackle for the 49’ers.
February 6, 2021
  • George Shultz – Aged 100 years. Politician, businessman, and one of only two people to have held four different Cabinet-level posts.
February 7, 2021
  • Ron Wright – Aged 67 years. Texas republican, first sitting member of Congress to die from COVID.
  • Ralph Backstrom – Aged 83 years. Canadian, 6X NHL Champion.
February 8, 2021
February 9, 2021
  • Chick Corea – Aged 79 years. American jazz composer & Miles Davis collaborator.
February 10, 2021
  • Jorge Morel – Aged 89 years. Renowned classical guitarist and composer.
February 11, 2021
  • Rusty Brooks – Aged 63 years. Heel jobber in the early 80s who regularly got pummeled by WWF A-listers.
February 12, 2021
  • Lynn Stalmaster – Aged 93 years. Famed Hollywood casting director, first to receive an Oscar.

 

February 13, 2021
  • Louis Clark – Aged 73 years. English music arranger and keyboard player (ELO, Hooked on Classics).
  • Marco Dimitri – Aged 58 years. Weirdo Italian dubbed “the most famous Satanist in Europe.”
February 14, 2021
  • Carlos Menem – Aged 90 years. 44th and oldest living president of Argentina.
  • Ari Gold – Aged 47 years. Gay Jewish pop singer.
February 15, 2021
  • Arne Sorenson – Aged 62 years. President & CEO of Marriott International.
  • Vincent Jackson – Aged 38 years. 3x Pro Bowl WR & Tampa bay stud.
February 16, 2021
  • Carman – Aged 65 years. Grammy nominated Christian music singer/songwriter & TV evangelist.
February 17, 2021
  • Martha Stewart – Aged 98 years. No… the OTHER Martha who was an actress in the 40’s & 50’s.
February 18, 2021
  • Prince Markie Dee – Aged 52 years. The lighter complected of the 3 Fat Boys.
  • John Roach – Aged 87 years. NFL QB who backed up Bart Starr in GB.
February 19, 2021
  • Bruce Meyers – Aged 94 years. Designer of the Meyers Manx, the original Dune Buggy.
February 20, 2021
  • Stan Williams – Aged 84 years. 2X World Series Champ pitcher and pitching coach for 14 MLB teams.
February 21, 2021
  • Doug Wilkerson – Aged 73 years. 3X Pro Bowl guard for the Chargers.
February 22, 2021
February 23, 2021
  • Geoffrey Scott – Aged 79 years. American TV actor known for roles on “Dynasty,” “Dark Shadows,” “General Hospital,” and other soapy turds.
February 24, 2021
  • Ronald Pickup – Aged 80 years. English actor seen in the “Best Exotic Marigold Hotel” movies (yes… they made more than one.)
February 25, 2021
  • Darrius Johnson – Aged 48 years. NFL cornerback & member of the Broncos’ Super Bowl 32 and 33 championship squads
February 26, 2021
  • Bob James – Aged 68 years. American rock singer-songwriter for Montrose.
February 27, 2021
  • Louis Nix – Aged 29 years. NFL defensive lineman who liked to call himself “Irish Chocolate.”
February 28, 2021
  • Johnny Briggs – Aged 85 years. British soap actor who had a 30 year gig on “Coronation Street.”

Rush to Judgement

in Hits & Misses by
“So, if I’m such an vile, homophobic monster,
how on earth did I get Sir Elton John
to be my personal wedding singer?
Riddle me that,
Mr. Mayor Pete’s wife.”
 

Rush Limbaugh –
Broadcaster, conservative, provocateur.
January 12, 1951 – February 17, 2021.
Aged 70 years.

Most recognized for: Love him or hate him, he asked the tough questions… like, Have you honestly ever seen an attractive feminist? What’s so great about Donovan McNabb? By ‘no,’ you mean ‘yes,’ right? Heard any good AIDS jokes lately? or Brother, can you spare Vicodin? We’re paraphrasing, of course. Regardless of whether you called his content news, editorial, hate speech, or good old fashioned entertainment, Mr. Limbaugh is definitely off the air.

Selected by: Schlitz, BGG, Raspus, Goble, A.Cadaver, Pille, D.Actuary, KBHead, T.Menschen

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