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Hits & Misses - page 4

A chronology of the bucket-kickers.


in Hits & Misses by
“Will I sign your Pinto’s tailgate?
Uh… no thanks.
You never can be too careful.”

Lee Iacocca
Businessman, author, motorhead.
October 15, 1924 – July 2, 2019.
Aged 94 years.

Most recognized for: A former president of Ford and chairman of Chrysler, Lee’s vision gave us the Ford Mustang and the Dodge Caravan. But not every idea was a winner. He’s also to blame for the Ford Pinto and the Chrysler K-Car. Long retired from the auto business, he busied himself with various philanthropic endeavors…. until Parkinsons-related complications put his ass in park.

Unfresh Princess

in Hits & Misses by
“My biggest turn on?
24 karat gold, baby. That sh!t gets me
hot & ready like a little Caesars pizza.”

Judith Krantz
Romance novelist, rich girl, Jew.
January 9, 1928 – June 22, 2019
Aged 91 years.

Most recognized for: Judith’s unique brand of fiction centered around affluent women obsessed with food, fashion, & fukking. Her steamy tales of cock & caviar flew off the shelves in the decade of excess, with many becoming fodder for sh!tty 80’s TV movies. But after turning up dead at her home in Bel Air, Judy won’t be seeing friend & classmate Barbara Walters at the next high-school reunion.

A Coordinated Effort

in Hits & Misses by
“We would have mad a great
Crockett and Tubbs,
but Billy tends to scare people…
and I just wasn’t black enough.”

Billy Drago & Max Wright
Actors, midwesterners, D-listers.
11/30/45 & 8/2/43 – 6/26/19.
Aged 73 & 75 years.

Most recognized for: Mr. Drago’s odd appearance landed him bad guy roles in movies such as “Pale Rider” and “The Untouchables.” Mr. Wright’s appearance, on the other hand, typically landed him the role of anal-retentive weaklings… as seen on TV’s “WKRP in Cincinnati,” “Misfits of Science,” and – his biggest role – as the dad on “ALF.” With only a few years and a few miles between them in LA county, they both managed to kick the bucket on the same day. Teamwork.

Flew the Coop

in Hits & Misses by
“Why worry about lung cancer?
I could buy your lungs… both of them…
tomorrow. Yes… yours.”

Gloria Vanderbilt
Actress, author, aimless heiress.
February 20, 1924 – June 17, 2019.
Aged 95 years.

Most recognized for: A trust fund child of insanely wealthy railroad barons, she had the means to pursue whatever interested her at any given moment. She acted, she modeled, she wrote, she designed clothes & greeting cards. She even managed to squeeze out a white-haired CNN anchor named Anderson.  But advancing years and a recent stomach cancer diagnosis brought her money train to its last stop.

Old Sponge Dries Out

in Hits & Misses by
“Yeah. I farted.
What the fuck are you gonna do about it?”

Silvia Myles
Actress, Oscar nominee, party chick.
September 9, 1924 – June 12, 2019.
Aged 94 years.

Most recognized for: Sylvia’s knack for portraying hardened women earned her 2 Oscar nods in the early 70’s. She also had a reputation for showing up at any & every event in Manhattan that had an open bar, usually with Andy Warhol as her wingman. She drank, smoked, & screwed around, and made no apologies for it. Godspeed, you boozy old floozy. Godspeed.

A Life Too Short

in Hits & Misses by
“Ha ha!
Ever since the accident,
I can drink an entire case of malt liquor
& never see double!”

Bushwick Bill
Rapper, Texan, midget.
December 8, 1966 – June 9, 2019.
Aged 52 years.

Most recognized for: As a member of Houston’s infamous horrorcore rap outfit The Geto Boys, Bushwick accidentally shot himself in the face during a PCP & Everclear fueled tiff with his girlfriend… which he survived with only one eye and a bullet lodged in his brain. But it was a stage 4 pancreatic cancer diagnosis that came shortly before death finally dealt little Bill a low blow.

Doctor Who?

in Hits & Misses by
“Who am I wearing?
Well, I got the jacket from Prince,
the necklace from Ritchie Valens,
the glasses from Ray Charles,
and the shirt I had made from an old Davenport I found on the side of the road in New Mexico.
You dig?”

Dr. John
Musician, Grammy winner, night tripper.
November 20, 1941 – June 6, 2019.
Aged 77 years.

Most recognized for: After serving 2 years for running dope & whores, he moved to LA & landed a seat with the infamous Wrecking Crew. Meanwhile, his solo act mixed blues, jazz, and psychedelic rock with a touch of voodoo shamanism… and carried an appearance so odd as to be the inspiration behind Jim Henson’s Dr. Teeth. Bonnaroo takes its name from his 1974 album… and his passage – less than one week before the 2019 festival – will give throngs of clueless hipsters the opportunity to eulogize the late, great guy they never heard of.

Two for the Road

in Hits & Misses by
“We are…
two wild…
and crazy guys!”

Roky Erickson & Leon Redbone
Musicians, singer/songwriters, weirdoes.
7/15/47 – 5/31/19 & 8/26/49 – 5/30/19
Aged 71 & 69 years.

Most recognized for: Roky first tasted success in the 60’s with The 13th Floor Elevators… and then tasted a lot of psychedelic drugs, recording multiple solo albums in-between trips to loony bin. If you missed Leon’s multiple guest appearances on SNL & Johnny Carson, you’d probably recognize him from the theme song to “Mr. Belvedere” or the handful of beer & car commercials he sold out for.

No Wake Zone

in Hits & Misses by
“OJ Simpson?
Never heard of him.
Should I have?”

Claus von Bülow
Dane, socialite, bachelor.
August 11, 1926 – May 25, 2019.
Aged 92 years.

Most recognized for: Claus and his wife Sunny were a couple of high-society’s biggest hobnobbers… until Sunny mysteriously wound up in a coma. In a highly publicized trial, Claus was convicted of attempted murder… twice. So Claus called in the big guns from Harvard and got both convictions overturned on appeal… making the von Bülows’ scandalous story the topic of crime novels, Hollywood films, and Denis Leary punchlines.

Packed Up

in Hits & Misses by
“People say we drink too much in Wisconsin… but if it weren’t for the beer sh!ts, we’d never get all of the goddamned cheese out of our systems.”

Bart Starr
NFL QB, coach, career cheesehead.
January 9, 1934 – May 26, 2019.
Aged 85 years.

Most recognized for: Bart set team and league records as one of Vince Lombardi’s golden boys in the late 1960’s. At quarterback, he led the Packers to 3 consecutive championships, but he simply couldn’t deliver as their coach in the 70’s & 80’s. Then came every ailment under the sun… making him a popular CDP pick for several years… but 2019 was a zero Starr affair.

F1 and Done

in Hits & Misses by
No thanks, kid.
What’s the point?
I mean…Just look at me.”

Niki Lauda
Race driver, airline owner, rat-kabob.
February 22, 1949 – May 20, 2019
Aged 70 years.

Most recognized for: A 3 time World Champion, Mr. Lauda is considered one F1’s top drivers of all time. In 1976, he narrowly survived one of the sport’s most fiery wrecks, adding scars and disfigurement to his already rodent-like appearance. Niki also founded 3 airlines, including Austria’s Lauda Air. But after 2 kidney transplants and a recent double lung transplant, he finally crossed the finish line.

Selected by: Tote Menschen

Turn the Page

in Hits & Misses by
“Well… I kind of liked
being compared to Jackie Robinson.
Now if you’ll excuse me,
I should be getting off to temple…
and you should be getting
the fukk off my lawn.”

Herman Wouk
Author, Pulitzer winner, centenarian.
May 27, 1915 – May 17, 2019.
Aged 103 years.

Most recognized for: Referred to as “An American Tolstoy” and “The Jackie Robinson of Jewish American Fiction,” he was… wait. Wait a goddamned minute. Who said that shit?! Surely not Jackie Robinson!… or any other black baseball player! Fukking ridiculous. Anyway, he wrote “The Caine Mutiny,” “War & Remembrance,” and… oh, who cares. Having crossed the 100 year threshhold, his existence – as far as this CDP is concerned – was pointless.

Selected by: Nobe

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